an undivided heart

Tonight I went to the "season 3 premiere" of TwoFour, which is the college ministry at our church. The message was one that really hit home to me. Jared Via taught from 1 Kings 18 about having a divided heart. The people of Israel were "limping along" between worshiping God and worshiping Baal. They had one foot in righteousness and one foot in sin. They wanted God but they wanted their sin and their other god too. Something Jared said that really struck me was "We are verbal monotheists, but practical polytheists." In our words, we claim that God is our only savior and redeemer. But with our actions, we prove otherwise, centering our attention on other people, material things, ideals, or even ourselves.

I can't even claim that I have an undivided heart. Lately, though my quiet time has been more regular than ever, thanks in large part to having one of my best friends keep me accountable to do it, and though I spend probably close to 12 hours per week at my church - worshiping, learning, teaching, serving - I find myself growing apathetic towards God and my relationship with him. It surprises me when I catch myself in this attitude, because my brain knows that, hello, this is the God of the universe here! He created everything we see with just a word. He is greater and more powerful than I or anyone could ever hope to be.

And I'm beginning to realize that the reason this is happening is because I am making an idol out of...myself. It's not that I think I'm amazing and I worship myself, but I think that I and my needs are more important than God. For example, I'll be too tired to get up early so I can spend time with God and go for a run, both things that I need to do to start my day. So, I'll sleep in and read my Bible on my bed with my eyes blearily half open. Or I'll be praying and my mind will go off thinking about something I really want. Or I'll forget to pray before I eat because I'm just way too hungry to spend 30 seconds thanking God for his provision. Often, I'll have more of a desire to hang out with friends or to do something relaxing at home than to saturate myself with God. And this needs to stop. My God is the only thing that will matter a hundred years from now. My God is the only thing that will save me. My God is the only thing that will be constant throughout my life and even afterwards. I need to make him my focus instead of myself.

On another note...today I went to a friend's house and rode one of her horses. I did a little bit of riding when I was younger, but not a lot at all. I had never cantered before, but when Alyssa said, "Her trot is bouncy. Kick her a bit harder and she'll canter; it's a lot smoother," I did. And it felt like flying. That was definitely one of today's highlights.

beliefs

Lately I've been realizing that the things I believe in, the ideas upon which I've founded my life, are not necessarily things that I have taken for my own. The reason they are still in my life and that I believe in them is because they're familiar. I was taught them when I was younger and grew up knowing and believing certain things. I simply never knew anything else. But as I grew older and had my eyes opened to the world around me, I realized that what I had believed all my life was not necessarily something everyone believed in. It didn't surprise me that there were immoral people, those who didn't believe what I did because God was repulsive to them. All they wanted was their own sin. What did surprise me was that even Christians didn't believe some or even most of the same things I did.

So this year, my last year of high school and my last year of the familiar before I leave home and enter the craziness of the world around me, I'm going to dig deep into what I believe and why I believe what I do. I don't want to believe something simply because people I know do, even if they're my own family or close friends. I want to believe something because I know it's true, not because someone else does.

In my quiet time today, I read Isaiah 40. Verses 6-8 stood out to me as something to hold on to as I try to figure things out.

"A voice says, 'Cry out.' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' 'All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.'"

We are like grass, and like the flowers of the field. We grow, have our short lives under the sun, and then we wither and die. But God's word will stand forever. What do I believe? One thing I know for sure is that God is real. He is more real than anything in this world. And as I do my digging, I will lean on him and his word.

oh, summertime!

This week my sister is CITing for kindercamp, and my little brother is going to cabin camp, so I've been dropping them off and picking them up every day. It makes me happy because then I get to see camp friends! Everyone pretends to be afraid when I drive up, as if I'm going to run over them. :) I haven't been at NLC during day camp since I was a day-camper like 8 years ago because we're always traveling during the end of July/beginning of August. Being there feels like summer when I was a kid, and I love it.