comprehension

Some of my thoughts lately have been about being "saved" and at what point that occurs. In my life, I accepted Christ into my heart and asked him to save me from my sins at age 3. I know that at that point I understood my utter hopelessness for any other redemption except for in the name of Jesus. And I also know that it was the point at which my name was written in the Book of Life.

But I also know that I did not fully understand many things about God at that point. I didn't really understand just how much God loves me. I didn't understand the concept of my life being radically changed by my relationship with the God of the universe. I don't think I understood the concept of rules and standards being followed not because of legalism but because it pleases God for us to be holy. I didn't understand grace.

Those are just a few examples. Many concepts which I now consider to be core to my belief in God I didn't know of or understand at the point when I accepted Christ. It's confusing. It's like I loved Christ before I even knew why I loved him. I just knew there was nothing else for me, and as a young child, I believed and loved whole-heartedly.

things aren't quite like what they used to be

In England, they talk so fast and with such a strong accent that sometimes it's almost like they're speaking another language. I often have to ask people to repeat something they've just said. I really love the accent though. My friends Katie and Rebecca were teaching me how to speak British, not posh British or cockney, just with a "normal" accent, and now I can fake a really good British accent. I've also learned a bunch of British phrases that everyone says. My favorite one, which is a bunch of English-ese strung together, is "That's rather spiffing, flowerpot!"

I have a problem. I am interested in too many things to pick one major and one interest and one career. I told Sabrina that I know whatever I do will have to do with people because one of my theories is that people are the most important things to invest in because they're the only things that will last forever. And that I want to care for people's souls, not their bodies, though that's a highly commendable career. While I was talking to her I realized how ironic that is that God would call me to such a career when I am so introverted. But God would do something like that. He would call me to something so opposite of what I first thought I'd do. I look back at the journey I took to end up where I am right now and I realize that I never would have expected to end up here. But you know what? This is the right place for me to be right now. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has led me to this place.

You hear people talk a lot about God's will for your life, and figuring out what it is. I think a lot of people expect a sudden and complete revelation from God and then they're set for life. I don't think God works that way. I think it's more of taking steps and each one leading you to the next one. You don't know what's ten steps ahead, or even two. All you can do is take the next step and pray that God leads you the rest of the way. Often you don't feel like you're going anywhere at all. But then you'll look behind you and see the footprints that led you to where you're now standing, and you can see God's work in it all.

But I do, I honestly do way too often wish I knew what my future held. It drives me crazy not to know. But then again I feel like if I knew where I'm supposed to end up, I'd just work my way there and stop trusting God to get me there.

I think I like to blog because it enables me to organize my thoughts so I can sleep at night.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

It amazes me that some girls I know whom I know to be absolutely beautiful don't see themselves the same way. They'll look in the mirror and groan and talk about how they're overweight and need to work out, or how their hair is a mess, or how they need to put on makeup. Or I'll be walking somewhere with them and thinking about how I wish I had hair like theirs and they'll catch a glimpse of themselves in a shop window and comment, "I hate my hair!" Or we'll take a picture and they'll look at it and say, "Well, I look like crap today." Sometimes it makes me mad. Are they just saying that to make themselves look better? Do they even know how many girls are jealous of the way they look? But most of the time I know they honestly do think that about themselves. And then it makes me sad. I don't know if it's just me, because I tend to look at someone and call them beautiful because of what kind of a heart they have, but I think they're incredibly gorgeous.

And I have a theory...my sister would laugh because basically my life consists of these random theories that I come up with that all have nothing to do with each other and are generally unimportant for life and are also not backed up by any kind of fact but are just made up in my head. Anyway. I have this theory that you tend to look like what you are. As in, if you have a beautiful heart, your face will reflect that. Even before you're old and have wrinkles that define your default face, you can - or at least I can - look at someone and have some kind of idea of the person they are. I don't know how this works, and it's definitely not anything that would be scientific, but I really have noticed that. Please tell me I'm not crazy. :)

And from a totally selfish perspective, I wonder if these girls have ever thought that if they're talking about how unacceptable they look, how that reflects on me? In other words, if they think they're ugly, what do they think I am? I have some pretty beautiful friends, anyone would think so, and when I'm with them in comparison I feel like I look even less pretty than I actually am, which is not an awful lot.

On a mostly unrelated topic (another one of my theories is that everything is at least remotely related so you can probably trace some kind of a far-out path of your brain's journey from one topic to the next) lately I've been surprising people a lot. I noticed that a lot on the Greece trip. Once, on the bus back from Philippi, Eric and Sabrina and I were doing iPod karaoke and someone said, "Lauren, you do it!" So I said, "Okay, fine, I'll try it." And Eric looked surprised and said, "You'll do it? Wow, Lauren, you just surprised me." And I jokingly said, "I surprise people every day of my life." And it seems like recently I have been! haha.

It's interesting to me because for a long time I wanted to be more outgoing but I didn't want to push myself into fake extravertedness. And now I can be more outgoing. And I'm still myself. I think it's because on the one hand, I feel more accepted by my friends. And on the other hand, it doesn't matter as much to me anymore, because I'm beginning to truly know that my identity is found in Christ. So I can actually say what's on my heart without fear...okay, without overwhelming fear...that I'll say something completely wrong and mess something up. And I can do something without being afraid that I'll look totally stupid and make people dislike me. Because, love me or leave me, I belong to Christ.

i miss...

blasting music really loud in the car so you can barely hear yourself sing. opening the sunroof and feeling the wind whip your hair around. lying on the beach knowing you're getting too much sun but not caring. drinking some kind of iced Starbucks drink and then feeling really hyper because it has more caffeine than you were aware of. driving around with a carload full of friends. laughing way too hard over something that other people wouldn't think that funny. eating gelato everyday. talking for hours on everything and nothing. always going home having learned something new about life and love and faith. spontaneity. waking up smiling. going home from the beach with your hair stiff with sand and salt and your skin hot with a soon-coming sunburn. staying out late because there's nothing you have to wake up for in the morning. midnight fast food runs. my car. being able to pick up my cell phone and call or text someone. happiness and confusion being mixed together. walking down the streets of greece holding hands with friends because they do that in greece. running to make planes and buses. learning a new language everyday. accents. greek shopping. frappes. sarah workman's struggles. being woken up by sabrina dancing on the bed. hannah's "we are friends" song. eating greek salad everyday. ipod karaoke. taking bad pictures of katie. skyping with people from the hotel's messed up wifi. imitating british accents. walking way too much. trying to translate euros into dollars. getting somewhat delirious late at night at a bus stop and saying stupid things and laughing till we almost fell off the bench.

all this and more. one of the problems of having good friends is that you miss them like crazy when they're not around.

i've lived a lifetime in the past month

The events of the past month, looking back on them, seem to have taken so much longer than just a month. I have grown and changed and lived so much in the past month. My most recent excursion and life-changing experience has been my trip to Greece. I cannot begin to describe everything wonderful that happened on that trip. God blessed me so much.

There were a bunch of little things that I always think of as kind of inside jokes between me and God. I love how I can have inside jokes with the God of the universe. For example, for my entire sojourn in the land of Europe, God had been teaching me about love in many different forms. And I was memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. So then on Sunday, when Dr. Reid got up and started to teach, he asked us to turn to 1 Corinthians 13. I definitely had a silent laugh with God over that because I know it's not a coincidence that love was the theme.

Then originally I was on a certain team, but I felt really strongly that I should ask to switch. As in, God would not leave me alone until I asked. I normally wouldn't ask to switch because I've had several different youth pastors tell me how much they hate it when people ask to be switched and how they wish people could just stay where they're put. So generally I try to just go with the flow. But I felt so pushed to switch that I actually asked. And I switched. And it was the best thing I ever could have done. I was so blessed by every member of my team. Sarah, Haley, Hannah, Sabrina, Dr. Reid, James, Nikki, Brandon, Ryan...every one of them was used by God to impact my life in a different way. And the work we did was something that deeply impacted a community and enabled us to show God's love in a very tangible way.

Oh, and I just happened to have the best roommates ever! We were a random bunch, and there were four of us in a room when most people had two or three to a room. But we got along so well, laughed a lot and were really able to encourage one another in our faith. And the one person I got to know really well that week was beautiful Sabrina. She made me laugh from the moment I woke up in the morning - really, she would start singing before she even opened her eyes and dance on the bed to wake herself up - but then also would say things that would ring in my head long after she'd said them. Some of them I'm still thinking about even now. She has wisdom that she isn't afraid to impart to others, and I'm so grateful I happened to be the one God chose for her to share some with. She is a friend who I really look up to and always thank God for.

So yesterday I was thinking about how many friends I have who have taught me different things. Grace has taught me about unchanging love over long distances and time and changes, and about doing unconventional things for God. Leah has taught me about strength and taking risks for God. Sabrina has taught me about deep, giving love for others and having passion for God and for those who don't know him. Hannah has taught me about not being judgmental and having love for those who are not perfect. Lindsay has taught me about loyalty and staying deeply committed to your beliefs and those you love. And those are just a few friends, and those things are just a few of the ones they've taught me through their lives. I really want to be like these friends in that my friendship with someone is not just a feel-good friendship. I want to be, I guess, a little bit of a tangible version of Christ to them. That God would use me and my life to encourage them and to even teach them something. Just to be able to do something like that would be incredible to me.

One last thing. Monday night I went to a Bible study for the students (ages 14-18, I think) of the church I'm attending here in Cambridge. And the teacher taught on Joseph and his brothers and how Joseph not only forgave his brothers for what they had done to him - completely - but also showed them incredible grace in giving them not just any land in Egypt but the best part, the land of Goshen. And I thought of how I've had people who in the past have done terrible things to me, and it took so much for me to forgive them though to this day they've never apologized. But I have, I've forgiven them and forgotten because I have Christ and I don't need to hold on to anger against them. So I prayed and I asked God that in some way he would allow me to show incredible grace to these former friends of mine just like Joseph showed to his brothers and God himself showed to me. It's kind of a weird prayer, I guess, but it's something I really felt that God wanted for me to do. So we'll see what he does with that. :)

oh for the little things in life

Facebook is telling me to reconnect with my mom. Hahaha.

I hate it when people add you on facebook and either they look so familiar but you have no idea who they are or how you know them, or they have a billion mutual friends which makes you feel guilty that you don't recognize them and makes you think that you must know them. I used to do the whole private message "do i know you?" before adding them thing, but after awhile it got too awkward so now I just add them and remove them later if they just randomly or for some weird reason added me but never said anything to me on facebook or ran into me in real life. I feel like these people should put a little comment with their friend request saying, "Hi! Remember me? I knew you in preschool!" because otherwise I have no idea who they are. (p.s. it's especially creepy when they're way older than you.)

Twitter has been over capacity for like twenty minutes. How many people are on twitter right now? Goodness.


And I just heard this song called, "Pray for You." Not all of it. But I heard the chorus and it made me laugh. Alot.


Greece is in two days! I'm so excited!


And then one of my really good friends, Lauren, is coming with her mom to England! She'll actually be in Cambridge for most of the time I'm in Greece, but I'll happily be able to see her for two or three days when I get back.


So when I get on the plane in London, it's going to be around 50 degrees Fahrenheit. And then when I get off in Greece, it's going to be about 100. Really?

I think tomorrow I'm going to try to Skype with some friends back home. yayyy this makes me excited.

I'm finally in Cambridge and I'm so happy. I've dreamed about coming back here basically for most of my life. Tomorrow I'm going to take one of the bikes in the miniscule garage and "cycle" into the small downtown area. I'll get to look around and shop for things I need for Greece. Plus I want/need to buy some "wellies" as they call them here. Let me clarify the want/need...so at first I just wanted them because everyone wearing them looked cute and English. Then I experienced more than a few rainy days in which my jeans got soaked practically up to the knee and I literally had puddles in my shoes. Now wellies are definitely a need. Haha.

and again...

I forgot, one more thing. A couple days ago my sister and I were laughing about how when I was around seven and she was around five, we had to write down what we wanted to be "when we grew up." She said she wanted to be an artist. And something she reminded me of, something I'd forgotten...I wanted to be a missionary. Since around ten or so I abandoned that idea because I didn't think God was calling me to that. But now...now I don't know. God may be changing my mind. I almost feel like God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Lauren, I'm changing your heart, your desires, everything, because this is what and who I made you to be." Is it? I'll be praying. I don't know quite what that means, as in overseas missions? in a church in America? just through something else? But maybe, maybe I might want to actually do that, something I thought I'd never be called to do. God is crazy.

back where i started from

And it's over. My whole long country-hopping trip is finished. Well, not quite. We're in Surrey now, which is on the outskirts of London and very much in the countryside of England which is gorgeous. Next is Oxford because my dad's speaking at Oxford University. Then we're in Cambridge, which is where we'll be living for the next two months. I'll only be there for two or three days though, because then I'm taking a bus to Heathrow and flying out to Greece! Okay, so I still have a whole lot of traveling left. But no more driving for hours and hours in the backseat of a stick-shift car (only now do I realize my deep, abiding love for automatic...) no more new countries and languages and foods and ways of flushing the toilet every day, no more not knowing what to wear each day because of the weather changing from jeans and sweatshirts to shorts and tank tops in ways my brain doesn't comprehend. No more dashing to make trains and metros and pick up rental cars and pack five huge suitcases in the back of a tiny European van. No more snapping pictures as if your life depended on it. It was an amazing trip. Somehow I don't feel as if I'm the same person I was two and a half weeks ago...was it only two and a half weeks ago? I look back at me before we left my great aunt and uncle's house and feel like I'm looking back a great distance to someone I was long ago. Maybe this trip has changed me. I felt like it would. I almost wanted it to. Maybe when I go to Greece and see my friends I'll realize that I really am different after all that has happened. Not that I'm better because I've been around Europe, but that somehow God has used this trip to open my eyes to things beyond the places and the faces that I've seen, and now I'll look at normal life and at these friends I see and know regularly with true sight. Aghhh...why is it that sometimes I'll write things and they'll come out sounding so proud and so arrogant and so "I'm better than you.."? That is not what's in my heart. I just feel that God has taken me way out of my comfort zone with this trip - where I know no one outside my family, don't even know the language most of the time, walk miles and miles, don't have space or time or anything to myself - and has slapped me in the face with things bigger than all of that. If God can do that with a trip around Europe only for visiting family and sightseeing, what will he do in Greece?! Oh my goodness, I'm so excited. I can't wait to go there and see what God will do. Honestly, I don't know much at all about Greece as a country or what we're doing there (although I've been on two different World Changers trips before, just not out of North America...to Florida and Canada.) This is a good thing, I think, because I'm not expecting anything. God can just do whatever without me pushing something and insisting to myself that God wants me to learn this or do that.

And something else I've learned from traveling is to never underestimate stereotypes. I always thought stereotypes of Europeans were highly overexaggerated. I was wrong. Most of what you see in movies portraying Europeans...it's true. The French say "voila!" a LOT. You buy a tomato, they hand it to you with a "voila!" The English say "loads" and "quite" and "jolly good." The Germans stare. And they're all so quiet, so unlike Americans who talk and talk and are really rather loud compared to those in Europe. The attitudes, accents, phrases. The people here really do live up to a lot of the stereotypes! And sometimes it makes me laugh. Really hard. I have so many stories.

I also have a million thoughts that have been running through my head. Why is it that I cannot manage to put them down on paper or the computer and thereby put them to rest anymore?

But life is lovely and I'm counting down the days until I leave for Greece! It's a week from today! I have lost all sense of what time it is back in North Carolina, but here it's almost midnight. Which means bedtime for me because we're going to an old, old church here in Dorking tomorrow morning. I can't wait.