???

So why is it that my life is going better than ever, but I feel like someone tore a hole in my heart? This makes no sense.

euphoria

eu-pho-ri-a, noun. a feeling of great happiness, elation or well-being.

That's the definition dictionary.com gave me. My definition for euphoria what I'm feeling right now.

A little under a week ago, I wrote a blog post in which I mentioned being the backwards person who falls in love with someone who won't ever love them back. Well, the night before Christmas Eve, my thoughts went to that person...and I realized that any feelings I'd ever had for him were gone. Completely, absolutely disappeared.

I had been praying for the past several months that if God didn't want me to have feelings towards him, that he would take them away. For about a year before that, I'd tried (unsuccessfully) to stop, after just drifting with my emotions towards that person for around two years. I have to say that, though I've seen God clearly answer my prayers before, it's never been anything like this. After begging him for months and months without noticing any change, suddenly, he said yes. It was the strangest thing, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is God working.

The thing that surprised me even more than the sudden and complete answer to my prayer, though, was the way I felt after the realization. Not disappointed, not relieved, not upset - no, I felt...happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any regrets about the dance God has led my emotions these past few years. I know he has his reasons for why this has happened, and I have sort of an idea about a couple of reasons. Those kind of things tend to come clear after awhile.

The reason that I felt happy was because, for the first time in a while, I felt free. I had surrendered my wants and my feelings to God, and he had done what he wanted with them. Feeling free is sort of a strange way to put the way I felt after giving up what I wanted, but it seems right to me because I knew, and I know, that I am right in the center of God's will for me regarding relationships and romantic feelings towards guys.

When you think about it, the fact that I feel free because I am being controlled by a Being greater than myself sounds backwards. But all I can say is that I feel more alive and real than I have ever before in my life. And the freedom that comes when you allow Christ to be in control of your life is more real than any freedom you could have by controlling your life yourself. I know; I've experienced it.

I feel like dancing around my room, shouting, "God is real! He's affected me! He's changed my life!"

The next step for me? Asking God to do one of his amazing things with my future feelings and relationships. No one is more aware than me of the fact that I am free to begin a relationship with someone new, but I don't want to rush into anything. If it's God's will for me to start dating someone tomorrow, I'll do it, but I want to be sure that this is something he wants for me.

It's incredible that, though just a few short months ago, I would not have liked this turn of events, God has changed my heart towards him and towards what he wants for my life. I trust him with my life, so I'm putting everything in his hands and forgetting about trying to control it myself. Haha...or at least I'll try. I have a habit of trying to replace God in my life. I don't know why because when he's in control, amazing things happen.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I'll spend my time lying awake with my Jesus, asking him to do his will with my future.

P.S. If you're still reading this ridiculously long blog post, good for you. :)

dilemma

I don't mind when people make fun of me for being a quiet person. Really. I know they do it because they like me, not to be mean. What does bother me, though, is the fact that it's true. I am a quiet person and I frequently wish I were more outgoing. Practically all of my friends are outgoing in some form or fashion and it bothers me that I'm so introverted when I would prefer to be more of a people person. Some people would say to me, "so become more outgoing!" What they don't realize, though, is that it's not just that easy. I know a few people who have pushed themselves to become extraverts and trust me when I say that it did not work well at all. You know those people who talk wayyyy too much about things of no interest at all to anyone besides themselves and have no sense of personal space? Those people who think they're popular and liked and pretty but actually aren't? Those people that some people detest and some laugh at and some feel sorry for and wince inside when they do something (again) to embarrass themselves? Yea, that would be the type of people those forced extraverts turned into. And I know that I personally would rather be awkwardly quiet and not talk much than be awkwardly loud and embarrassing and turn off everyone. The funny thing is, though, that when I'm with someone I truly love and trust, I let myself go. I am secure in the knowledge that even if I say something stupid or make a fool of myself, their friendship will not change. I have said and done the most ridiculous things in front of my friend Grace and she loves me just the same. :) It's strange to me that I can't be just a little more outgoing with people whose friendship is not quite as important to me as Grace's.

start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve.

When I was little I thought it was the most amazing thing that people would fall in love with someone...and that someone would love THEM, out of the 6.7 billion people on earth, back! I thought, what were the odds of that happening? In my opinion, that had to be one of God's coolest jobs. I could see him sitting up there in heaven with lists of names drawing lines to connect couples. "Yes - and she'd be perfect for him. They'll be so happy together. And this couple can do so much for me together!"

I also pictured the incredible joy and surprise when someone found out that their true love loved them. That wonderful feeling of complete shock and deep happiness and wanting to dance around the room but at the same time wanting to stay wrapped in their arms. Because now, all the doubts were gone. And they knew for certain that they were in love.

I was a very idealistic child.

But as I grew up and many of my friends started dating and going through the whole date-breakup-make up-just friends cycle, I noticed something. Practically all of my friends would like someone because they knew that person liked them. They were assured of having their love returned. It was safe to fall in love because they knew they would be caught. There were no surprises. How disappointing to the kid that I used to be!

It would make sense, then, that I would be the backwards girl and like someone who wouldn't like me. It's hard to decide if you should give up your ideal for a safe love - "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," right? But, to some extent, you can't control your feelings. And you definitely don't want to "settle for less than God's best." It's complicated.

So for now all I'm praying is that God will guard my heart and that I'll be sure when decision-making time has arrived. I know he'll be with me through this roller-coaster ride of emotions and will make sure that I arrive safely at the end of the journey.