???

So why is it that my life is going better than ever, but I feel like someone tore a hole in my heart? This makes no sense.

euphoria

eu-pho-ri-a, noun. a feeling of great happiness, elation or well-being.

That's the definition dictionary.com gave me. My definition for euphoria what I'm feeling right now.

A little under a week ago, I wrote a blog post in which I mentioned being the backwards person who falls in love with someone who won't ever love them back. Well, the night before Christmas Eve, my thoughts went to that person...and I realized that any feelings I'd ever had for him were gone. Completely, absolutely disappeared.

I had been praying for the past several months that if God didn't want me to have feelings towards him, that he would take them away. For about a year before that, I'd tried (unsuccessfully) to stop, after just drifting with my emotions towards that person for around two years. I have to say that, though I've seen God clearly answer my prayers before, it's never been anything like this. After begging him for months and months without noticing any change, suddenly, he said yes. It was the strangest thing, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is God working.

The thing that surprised me even more than the sudden and complete answer to my prayer, though, was the way I felt after the realization. Not disappointed, not relieved, not upset - no, I felt...happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any regrets about the dance God has led my emotions these past few years. I know he has his reasons for why this has happened, and I have sort of an idea about a couple of reasons. Those kind of things tend to come clear after awhile.

The reason that I felt happy was because, for the first time in a while, I felt free. I had surrendered my wants and my feelings to God, and he had done what he wanted with them. Feeling free is sort of a strange way to put the way I felt after giving up what I wanted, but it seems right to me because I knew, and I know, that I am right in the center of God's will for me regarding relationships and romantic feelings towards guys.

When you think about it, the fact that I feel free because I am being controlled by a Being greater than myself sounds backwards. But all I can say is that I feel more alive and real than I have ever before in my life. And the freedom that comes when you allow Christ to be in control of your life is more real than any freedom you could have by controlling your life yourself. I know; I've experienced it.

I feel like dancing around my room, shouting, "God is real! He's affected me! He's changed my life!"

The next step for me? Asking God to do one of his amazing things with my future feelings and relationships. No one is more aware than me of the fact that I am free to begin a relationship with someone new, but I don't want to rush into anything. If it's God's will for me to start dating someone tomorrow, I'll do it, but I want to be sure that this is something he wants for me.

It's incredible that, though just a few short months ago, I would not have liked this turn of events, God has changed my heart towards him and towards what he wants for my life. I trust him with my life, so I'm putting everything in his hands and forgetting about trying to control it myself. Haha...or at least I'll try. I have a habit of trying to replace God in my life. I don't know why because when he's in control, amazing things happen.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I'll spend my time lying awake with my Jesus, asking him to do his will with my future.

P.S. If you're still reading this ridiculously long blog post, good for you. :)

dilemma

I don't mind when people make fun of me for being a quiet person. Really. I know they do it because they like me, not to be mean. What does bother me, though, is the fact that it's true. I am a quiet person and I frequently wish I were more outgoing. Practically all of my friends are outgoing in some form or fashion and it bothers me that I'm so introverted when I would prefer to be more of a people person. Some people would say to me, "so become more outgoing!" What they don't realize, though, is that it's not just that easy. I know a few people who have pushed themselves to become extraverts and trust me when I say that it did not work well at all. You know those people who talk wayyyy too much about things of no interest at all to anyone besides themselves and have no sense of personal space? Those people who think they're popular and liked and pretty but actually aren't? Those people that some people detest and some laugh at and some feel sorry for and wince inside when they do something (again) to embarrass themselves? Yea, that would be the type of people those forced extraverts turned into. And I know that I personally would rather be awkwardly quiet and not talk much than be awkwardly loud and embarrassing and turn off everyone. The funny thing is, though, that when I'm with someone I truly love and trust, I let myself go. I am secure in the knowledge that even if I say something stupid or make a fool of myself, their friendship will not change. I have said and done the most ridiculous things in front of my friend Grace and she loves me just the same. :) It's strange to me that I can't be just a little more outgoing with people whose friendship is not quite as important to me as Grace's.

start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve.

When I was little I thought it was the most amazing thing that people would fall in love with someone...and that someone would love THEM, out of the 6.7 billion people on earth, back! I thought, what were the odds of that happening? In my opinion, that had to be one of God's coolest jobs. I could see him sitting up there in heaven with lists of names drawing lines to connect couples. "Yes - and she'd be perfect for him. They'll be so happy together. And this couple can do so much for me together!"

I also pictured the incredible joy and surprise when someone found out that their true love loved them. That wonderful feeling of complete shock and deep happiness and wanting to dance around the room but at the same time wanting to stay wrapped in their arms. Because now, all the doubts were gone. And they knew for certain that they were in love.

I was a very idealistic child.

But as I grew up and many of my friends started dating and going through the whole date-breakup-make up-just friends cycle, I noticed something. Practically all of my friends would like someone because they knew that person liked them. They were assured of having their love returned. It was safe to fall in love because they knew they would be caught. There were no surprises. How disappointing to the kid that I used to be!

It would make sense, then, that I would be the backwards girl and like someone who wouldn't like me. It's hard to decide if you should give up your ideal for a safe love - "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," right? But, to some extent, you can't control your feelings. And you definitely don't want to "settle for less than God's best." It's complicated.

So for now all I'm praying is that God will guard my heart and that I'll be sure when decision-making time has arrived. I know he'll be with me through this roller-coaster ride of emotions and will make sure that I arrive safely at the end of the journey.

hahahahaha...

Life is very interesting these days, let me just say that much.

Everything is changing, so much so that I'm afraid to predict what's coming next cause I know I'll be way off.

Two people I know are now "in a relationship" (facebook official, guys!) and for some reason, it makes me laugh. I can totally see them together but the fact that they actually are together makes me want to cry with laughter because of the...interesting couple they make. :)

But then again, a lot of people I know are currently in relationships and officially becoming couples, so I don't know why this particular one makes me laugh.

It also carries a bit of a sting because they're together and they're happy together - and I'm not. Still waiting...normally I'm happy on my own, but occasionally I'll see a couple that I think will last or that I think are unusually happy together, and I'll wish for someday to be here now. I don't want to be in a dozen or so relationships before I find the right one; I think relationships should be treasured a little more than that, but I still wish I had someone to be with. But I guess that's in God's hands...and that's the best place for it to be right now.

I'm excited to see what else this year brings. This time last year, I could never have predicted what my life is like now. It's completely different from anything I would have ever expected. And you know what? It's even better than I could have hoped for. I'm so glad God is in charge of my life because I would have messed everything up if it weren't for him guiding me.

things don't always go the way i've planned.

What is life but a series of broken hearts?

thankfulness

It seems like my life is going crazy this year, and a lot of the things that are happening aren't ideal, but today I was reminded that I still have a lot of things to be thankful for. The list is practically endless, but a few of the things would include...

my friends. When I think about the friends I have now, especially compared to the ones I had several years ago, I feel incredibly blessed. It's always encouraging to hang out with any one of my friends. Though I've lost friendships over the years, God always brings new people into my life to begin relationships with.

my church. I've gone to a lot of churches that have members who are not good representatives of Christ. They treat their fellow Christians like enemies and they themselves are hypocrites. Though Richland Creek is far from perfect, the attitude of the church as a whole is one of forgiveness and love. We've all messed up in some way, and the Creek is ready to help us get back on our feet. Being around so many people who have an incredible love for the Lord makes me happy.

my family. Although at times I disagree with them, and we don't always get along, I love them like crazy.

my Savior. I'm constantly amazed by his love for me. I want more than anything to grow closer to him every day, though I fail all the time.

I have so many little things I could list, but those are the main ones. I am so grateful to God for everything he's given me, even if I don't deserve it.

big cities and heartbreak

I travel a lot. I'm probably out of town for around a month or two every year. Wow, once that's written down it really sounds like a lot of time to be away from home! Anyway, this time I'm in New Orleans. This is the place that the annual conference my dad goes to (along with my whole family) has chosen for this year. And in some way, New Orleans is different from the cities from years past. Atlanta, Washington D.C., Philadelphia, Boston, San Diego, San Antonio, Toronto...they all were fairly similar, though the culture varied some and the weather definitely did. :) But there's something about New Orleans that is heart-breaking.

It's not, as you would expect, devastation from Hurricane Katrina just a few years ago. I expected to see at least some torn down buildings and ruined streets as we entered the metropolis of New Orleans. Surprisingly, aside from the usual graffiti, scraped-up walls and broken windows, I didn't notice anything terribly broken-down. The citizens of New Orleans - those that are left - have succeeded admirably in rebuilding their city. The two hotels I've stayed in so far have had more than 40 floors, buildings stretching high into the sky and boasting many luxuries. I've seen buildings that are from the 17th and 18th centuries that are amazingly preserved. The French Quarter is full of small shops and cafes, and the streets are full of people. I was amazed at the incredible normalcy of a city hit by destruction so few years before.

No, the heart-breaking thing about New Orleans is the presence of evil in the city. Every block or two, instead of a Starbucks as you'd see in most major cities in the U.S., you'll see a "Voo-doo Mart." Right outside Jackson Square, you'll see several palm-readers sitting there plying their trade. Everywhere you look, sin is advertised - and it's selling! There's something dirty about the people. Their clothes, their attitudes, the looks on their faces even make me think that they're trapped inside the sinful life they've created for themselves by the choices they've made. As I walk past these people on my way to Starbucks or a drug store for some water bottles, my heart breaks for them. The majority of them don't know the love of God. Many of them have heard of him, but they reject his grace.

I often think that if I could have one wish granted, I'd choose that everyone would want to know my Jesus, and would experience his amazing love. I feel so helpless when I realize that almost every second, someone steps into their eternal destiny - and many go to hell. I feel helpless when I realize that every single one of my relatives outside of my close family do not know Christ. From my grandparents on out, none know my Savior. I feel helpless when I realize that I can't make the decision for them, no matter how much I'd like to. All I can do is tell them about Him and pray my heart out. But sometimes God doesn't choose to save those who we beg him to save, and that's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, because I can't understand.

I love the fast pace and adventure of a big city, but it also opens my eyes to the millions and billions of people who don't know God. And as I walk the traffic-infested streets of New Orleans, I pray that God will open the eyes of those in the cities to the wonder of his love.

why?

Why is it so unusual for someone to be a loyal friend? Why is it strange to stay committed to a friendship and work to keep it? Why is it weird and unheard of to have godly standards? And on the opposite side, why is it normal to gossip, watch terrible movies, listen to explicit music, give yourself away before the end of freshman year of high school, be unfaithful to any and every relationship you find yourself in, and wear clothes that show off everything you have - even for Christians?

Yes, I know we live in a sinful world and yes, I know I'm probably sheltered and naive because I've been homeschooled since middle school, but still! Do all those other Christians who blend in with the world not want to honor God? It confuses me to see people who I honestly believe love Jesus with all their heart give away the innocence of their hearts and minds to be like every other teenager walking the halls of WFR. Is it really worth it? Just to hear that song, to watch that movie, to fit in with everyone else, to be accepted...is that worth losing your godly reputation and your righteous standing before God, the one who created you and will one day judge everything you have done and are still doing?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excluding myself from this. While I know for a fact that I'm the most innocent person in any of my circles of friends - I've never even thought of doing some of the things they've already experienced, and half the time consider to be okay - I still struggle with wanting to be accepted. Though I don't go nearly as far as people I know, I rationalize that certain things must be okay if my friends, who are so strongly seeking after God's heart, do them and even praise them. And I know often people consider how much of your innocence you've lost to be an indicator of how mature you are. I hate the fact that I am the most innocent person I know - not only for me, because I'm looked down upon because of it, but also for them. I hate it because of what they've lost and can never gain back. I hate it because they are giving in to the world and what it says is okay instead of searching for God's standard. I hate it because they must be so confused to just shut God out from half their lives and only let him in when they feel like it.

It makes me wonder why, if fitting in is really worth it if this is only a blink of time in the eternity we have to live.

definition

Don't tell me who I am. Don't define me by the words I say or the things I do. You don't know who I really am inside, though you may think you have me all figured out. I do not fit into a stereotype. Ask me what I'm all about and I'll tell you, just don't tell me who you think that I am, because you're most likely far off from the truth.

language

"We are never half so interesting when we have learned that language is given us to enable us to conceal our thoughts." -Anne Shirley, Anne of the Island

That quote has always struck me as particularly true, although to some people it may not make sense. Even the woman to which Anne stated the above quote answered, "but it isn't - it's given us to exchange our thoughts."

The truth in the quote comes from the fact that as children we are completely honest, not experienced in the hurt and embarrassment that can come from brutal truth-telling. We share whatever is on our mind, tell people when they're annoying, beautiful, rude or kind. As children our thoughts are broadcast to the world because we don't care what other people think of us.

But once we hit middle school, this honesty begins to fall away. No longer do we share anything and everything with people we come in contact with. Our words are weighed before they're spoken, thoughts are concealed and we become experts in avoiding the truth - skipping around it with our words and hiding our real thoughts. It is then that we realize that the gift of language is in large part given so we can conceal our thoughts.

friendship

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art .... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. -C.S. Lewis

My friends make me smile. Just to know that I have friends who are passionate for Christ and whose passion is beginning to rub off on me makes me happy.

And...figuring out God's will is really hard. At least for me. I can guess, but to know for absolute positive sure is something that I haven't figured out yet. Which is not necessarily a good thing because I have a lot of decisions to make this year!

things that make me happy

dancing in the rain
laughing so hard you literally can't stand up anymore
when someone randomly texts/facebooks/calls me just because they were thinking about me
that lightbulb feeling you get when you finally understand something hard
an ipod full of good music
a stack of good books i haven't read yet
playing the piano so fast my fingers trip over each other
wearing a warm cozy hoodie on a chilly day
lifting my face to the sky and feeling warm sunshine on my face
hundreds of inside jokes with good friends
driving with the windows down and the sunroof open, the wind blowing in my hair
running quickly downhill and then collapsing at the bottom
singing in an empty house
when a photograph turns out really well
talking to an old friend
being with someone you trust absolutely
hanging out with someone who is totally crazy and outgoing
a drink of cold water on a hot day

this is not an exhaustive list.

i think for the past few days i've been on a high of happiness. i've gotten to see some of my best friends ever who live far away, and just being with them - hanging out, talking, laughing - makes me feel joyful deep down inside. these past few days have been a major gift from God, and i love him for it!

side note: i've noticed that because God has been a part of my life for so long, i'm not as excited about him as the people who have just recently discovered how AMAZING loving and serving him can be. for them, it's like God has exploded into their lives, taking over everything by force and showering it with vivid color. in my life though, it's like his color has faded. it's been sitting there in my heart for so long that i'm used to seeing it there. this should not happen. my entire life is centered around my savior. he should be my passion. i'm praying that God would give me back the love and excitement for Him that i had when i first started this journey with him.

another thing that makes me happy: my busy life. for which reason i must end this blog post and go to class!

thoughts on a rainy day

Days like today make me feel just a little more alive. All day it's been raining - sort of a sideways drizzle that beats down slowly, constantly with a gentle touch on your face like warm snow. The sky is a pale, luminous grey that seems to give more light to the day than a day with blue skies and a golden sun. Against the background of light, the tall green trees look greener and more full of life than before. It's one of those days when summer is easing gracefully into autumn. Some people huddle under their umbrellas with their jackets wrapped around them, frowning at the world, but it makes me want to lift my face to the sky and feel the raindrops on my eyelids. It's a day that makes me want to sing in the car, dance across the parking lot, and smile at everyone I see.

as summer fades to autumn

If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection. It's a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone. Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it's time to reflect on what's come before. -Mitchell Burgess

Reflection. That really does seem to be what autumn is all about. When I picture autumn, my mind brings up a picture of a placid pond in the middle of a forest of crimson and golden leaves. When you look down into the pool of water, it's so smooth and glassy that you can see your face reflected in it as in a mirror, your head crowned by the slowly falling autumn leaves and surrounded by the blue September sky. And right now, amid all the craziness of school, church, friends, and the many things I'm doing, there's a peacefulness that allows my mind time to reflect "on what's come before."

an undivided heart

Tonight I went to the "season 3 premiere" of TwoFour, which is the college ministry at our church. The message was one that really hit home to me. Jared Via taught from 1 Kings 18 about having a divided heart. The people of Israel were "limping along" between worshiping God and worshiping Baal. They had one foot in righteousness and one foot in sin. They wanted God but they wanted their sin and their other god too. Something Jared said that really struck me was "We are verbal monotheists, but practical polytheists." In our words, we claim that God is our only savior and redeemer. But with our actions, we prove otherwise, centering our attention on other people, material things, ideals, or even ourselves.

I can't even claim that I have an undivided heart. Lately, though my quiet time has been more regular than ever, thanks in large part to having one of my best friends keep me accountable to do it, and though I spend probably close to 12 hours per week at my church - worshiping, learning, teaching, serving - I find myself growing apathetic towards God and my relationship with him. It surprises me when I catch myself in this attitude, because my brain knows that, hello, this is the God of the universe here! He created everything we see with just a word. He is greater and more powerful than I or anyone could ever hope to be.

And I'm beginning to realize that the reason this is happening is because I am making an idol out of...myself. It's not that I think I'm amazing and I worship myself, but I think that I and my needs are more important than God. For example, I'll be too tired to get up early so I can spend time with God and go for a run, both things that I need to do to start my day. So, I'll sleep in and read my Bible on my bed with my eyes blearily half open. Or I'll be praying and my mind will go off thinking about something I really want. Or I'll forget to pray before I eat because I'm just way too hungry to spend 30 seconds thanking God for his provision. Often, I'll have more of a desire to hang out with friends or to do something relaxing at home than to saturate myself with God. And this needs to stop. My God is the only thing that will matter a hundred years from now. My God is the only thing that will save me. My God is the only thing that will be constant throughout my life and even afterwards. I need to make him my focus instead of myself.

On another note...today I went to a friend's house and rode one of her horses. I did a little bit of riding when I was younger, but not a lot at all. I had never cantered before, but when Alyssa said, "Her trot is bouncy. Kick her a bit harder and she'll canter; it's a lot smoother," I did. And it felt like flying. That was definitely one of today's highlights.

beliefs

Lately I've been realizing that the things I believe in, the ideas upon which I've founded my life, are not necessarily things that I have taken for my own. The reason they are still in my life and that I believe in them is because they're familiar. I was taught them when I was younger and grew up knowing and believing certain things. I simply never knew anything else. But as I grew older and had my eyes opened to the world around me, I realized that what I had believed all my life was not necessarily something everyone believed in. It didn't surprise me that there were immoral people, those who didn't believe what I did because God was repulsive to them. All they wanted was their own sin. What did surprise me was that even Christians didn't believe some or even most of the same things I did.

So this year, my last year of high school and my last year of the familiar before I leave home and enter the craziness of the world around me, I'm going to dig deep into what I believe and why I believe what I do. I don't want to believe something simply because people I know do, even if they're my own family or close friends. I want to believe something because I know it's true, not because someone else does.

In my quiet time today, I read Isaiah 40. Verses 6-8 stood out to me as something to hold on to as I try to figure things out.

"A voice says, 'Cry out.' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' 'All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.'"

We are like grass, and like the flowers of the field. We grow, have our short lives under the sun, and then we wither and die. But God's word will stand forever. What do I believe? One thing I know for sure is that God is real. He is more real than anything in this world. And as I do my digging, I will lean on him and his word.

oh, summertime!

This week my sister is CITing for kindercamp, and my little brother is going to cabin camp, so I've been dropping them off and picking them up every day. It makes me happy because then I get to see camp friends! Everyone pretends to be afraid when I drive up, as if I'm going to run over them. :) I haven't been at NLC during day camp since I was a day-camper like 8 years ago because we're always traveling during the end of July/beginning of August. Being there feels like summer when I was a kid, and I love it.

camp

Camp was so much fun this year!

Green meanies, purple turtles, and other deluxe slushies.
Anonymous notes.
Doing Ashley's beautiful hair.
Rebecca singing "Deep and Wide."
The ant-killing contest.
Boating with Shelby and Gabi, my boating buddy!
Discovering that my campers from last year are my co-CIT's cousins.
Slip n' Slide!
Rating splashes on the zipline.
"This is so much fun."
Tamara tricking Mary.
Four square.
Skipping with Holly!
Duck duck goose.
Ashley's perfect posture.
Mary the fairy. Or should I say...Scary Mary the hairy trash fairy?
The dimple police.
Preparing for cabin devotions on a picnic table at 11:30 at night with a flashlight.
Morning watch and washshed duty with Rachel.
French braiding campers' hair.
Seconds and Leftovers.
Fifteen-minute conversations on the amazingness of Styrofoam.
Erin and her nose-scrunch thingie.
Cassady and her ability to make absolutely anything funny.
Cheering for a fish.
"Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open."
Buff Emma.
Snack Shack rap.
Duct-taping Katie to her bed.
Screaming ninjas!
Olivia and her alien fan voice.
The trust fall.
Campers chasing Nathaniel.


Girls in my cabin at Teen Week (after crying for half of Cabin Devotions): "I wonder if the guys cry during cabin devotions..??
Janna: "They probably do. I mean, they're not all tough and stuff like they pretend.
Two minutes later...loud cheering from the guys' cabin near us.
Erin: "I guess they weren't crying!"
Someone: "They're not very smart, are they?
Normally sweet Carolyn: "Yeah, well, guys are stupid."

Uncharacteristically mean comments from Carolyn make me laugh because she's always so sweet and then she says very sweetly, "Guys are stupid."

I have a movie from Middle School Week 1, but I tried to upload it on two different days and it failed. I'm trying again...so hopefully it'll work this time! :)

a little more grace

It's over 90 degrees outside according to the thermometer on my back porch. In other words, it's hot! Way too hot for me. And, wouldn't you know it, our air conditioning is broken. We have every fan in the house running full blast, but it's still incredibly warm in here. I definitely need grace to get through today without dying of heat exhaustion or snapping someone's head off because of crankiness.

Every day I'm reminded that all I need is a little more grace - just enough to get me through today. So that's my prayer. God, give me just a little more grace.

Camp again this coming week. I'm looking forward to it! So many old and new friends to hang out with, so many people to encourage and to serve. It'll be fun to see all the girls who CITed at early week and to do Ashley's beautiful hair for her! :) There are so many wonderful things God is going to accomplish this week, and I can't wait to see what he does.

early week

Early Week this year was probably one of the best weeks of camp I've been to. I feel like I learned a lot in small portions, and it's changed my outlook on life so now I understand God's ways just a little better. There were so many fun and challenging things that went on last week, and I enjoyed every last moment of it. I met a few new friends and saw a lot of old ones. It was really weird to see some girls whom I knew as campers and then CITs being counselors for the first time. There were some people who have been at camp for a long time who aren't going to be there this summer, which makes me sad. :( But there are some new friends I've made whom I know I'm going to see more this summer. One of the girls in the Courage rededicated her life to the Lord this week, which made me so happy and so proud of her.

I made a movie of a bunch of different things we did that week, so I thought I'd post it here! The song in the background is one they used for Creative Movement that week. It's called "Here's My Heart" by Lanae' Hale.

life is not fair

In almost one week I will be at camp. I love CITing Early Week.

I was at the mall today, and the fire alarm went off. They have individual fire alarms on the walls in every store literally every ten feet. What, do they think if you're sitting twenty feet from a fire alarm you'll miss the blaring loud noise and the blinding flashes of light every three seconds? I feel sorry for the people who had to put those fire alarms up.

Today I was texting my friend, and we were discussing how life is not fair because she has 60+ cousins and I have zero. (Except for Grace, who might turn out to be my 124th cousin when we finally dig out the family trees and compare ancestors. And then I'd have nine cousins because Grace has eight brothers and sisters.) But then we realized that if life was completely fair, there would be no surprises because everyone would have exactly the same things. And if life really was fair, there would be no such thing as grace. Which immediately made me think, "Thank you, Jesus, for making life not fair." Which is probably the strangest prayer I've ever prayed.

Aviator sunglasses are worse than huge bug-eyed ones.

Why is it that like 98.57341% of my friends live far away? I have friends in Florida, Ohio, Minnesota, Georgia, Colorado and Virginia. I have friends in California, Texas, Russia, England, Canada, and the Caribbean. They all need to move to NC.

Thank you, Alexander Graham Bell and whoever invented the computer. Who would've thought that words could be transferred from one end of the world to the other in milliseconds?

I have a nice, relaxing day tomorrow with nothing to do but complete my chemistry course. Maybe I'll walk down to Stonegate and hang out with Nicole. Or call someone. Or just chill at home.

Happy summer to all, and to all a good night.

Lauren

excitement!

As the end of school and the beginning of summer approaches, I've been thinking about different things I'm looking forward to this summer. Ever since I was little, we've always had busy summers - traveling fun places, going to summer camp, going on a mission trip, staying with grandparents...and this summer is no exception. Some of my summer plans include things I've done before, and some are totally new to me. It's an exciting mix to look forward to, and I can't wait. So, here are some of the things I'm looking forward to this summer!

-beach weekend! sand and sea and sunshine. yay.
-way belated birthday party sleepover. slumber parties are hilarious fun, staying up way too late, talking everything from mad cow disease to Jane Austen, and laughing so hard your stomach hurts
-CIT Bible studies at New Life Camp
-the amazing Seconds & Leftovers job where you get to eat before everyone else and then talk to everyone who comes up for seconds
-hanging out with camp friends, both new and old
-adorable campers who go crazy about you, think you're amazing, and introduce you to their parents by saying, "Mom and Dad, this is Lauren, the best CIT ever!" love them.
-Teen Week and all the fun that goes on during it
-the Rules Video! always amazing
-seeing the incredible Irwins again, whether it's in Virginia, NC, or even Chicago! :)
-one or two days of total relaxation...and laundry. haha.
-swimming with friends in their neighborhood pool
-Taco Bell with Chelsea and Marefia
-marathon phone conversations with Grace Loraine
-having people ask me, "What does, 'Grace, I'm so sorry I threw that pinecone at you!' mean?" when they see my fabulous pillowcase
-long car ride to Illinois. Yes, I love long car rides. Music and uninterrupted reading and DVDs in the car, oh my!
-meeting the Augustines and the first day at Crossway. Well, that's more like something I'm nervous about...but still excited!
-INTERNSHIP!
-Grace coming to Wheaton to hang out with me!
-a weekend trip with Grace to either Niagara Falls or Chicago. either or both.
-hot summer days where you can wear skirts and not freeze. Well, unless you go to church. :)
-any other opportunities that pop up! I know there will be some things that will be unexpected, and I'm ready for them.
-seniors Sunday school class, student leadership team and other things going on at RCCC.
-the Back to School Retreat! And being a senior, I'll be a small group leader! Definitely excited about that.
-possible beach trip in September. awesomeness!
-planning my fall. College classes to figure out, college road trip with Grace, applying for college...as you can see, college decisions are a major part of my fall!

I have an exhaustingly busy summer, but I'm so excited about all these opportunites God is giving me, and I'm going to take all of them! I can't wait to see what he has for me this summer.

amazing grace

This past weekend one of my best friends came and stayed with me for a couple days. It was all too short for us because she lives three hours away and we see each other once or twice a year, though we talk on the phone and email back and forth. We went for walks around the neighborhood, stayed up till 2 a.m. talking - and then woke up at 7 a.m. to talk some more - watched a movie, painted our nails, took a ton of pictures, made the coolest pillowcases ever, and went to Free Pizza Friday at my church. We had so much fun. And just today I thought of something cool.

Grace has been my friend for a long time. She's probably the friend I've known the longest. We can't pinpoint a grade or age when we met, but I think it's around 2nd grade or age 7 or 8. If that's true, then we've known each other for about ten years. We have so many shared memories and inside jokes that we covered one side of a pillowcase with just a few of them. It's at the point where she doesn't even have to finish her sentences cause I know just what she's going to say. Several times this weekend I was just opening my mouth to say something when Grace said the exact thing I was going to say. Not only has Grace been a constant, faithful friend, she has also been my friend when times were difficult for me. There was a time when she was quite literally my one and only friend. I remember being younger and feeling friendless, and begging God for just one good friend. And God, in his infinite mercy and wonderful grace, gave me Grace. And that's the cool thing I thought today. God gave me a friend named Grace, so that every time I think of her, I remember how abundantly gracious he was to me to allow me to meet and be friends with Grace! She is pretty much amazing.

On another note, lately I've been thinking about other stuff that would be fun to do besides what I know I want to do with my life - edit and write. I'm really interested in music...playing it, singing it, listening to it, even writing it...either lyrics or melodies. I think being a songwriter would be one of the coolest jobs in the world. That is, if you have a talent for it. I don't think I do, but it's so much fun to try. In the past few weeks I've been trying to write quite a few songs. For me, song titles come to me pretty quickly, and then I can come up with a song to fit the title. Fashion design or even interior design would be a lot of fun to do. Picking colors, inventing new styles, putting a twist on the regular style...clothes are so much fun to work with! Photography is also fun. I'm discovering new modes on my digital camera that are fun to play around with. Black and white, sepia, etc. are fun to take pictures with. The macro mode is fun to take pictures of tiny details. On Friday it was flowers. I love the way you have a bright yellow dandelion in beautiful detail with the green grass in the background blurred into a water color painting look. It's so much fun to branch out into different things even though I doubt I'll do anything with them later on.

what do you live for?

Yesterday I was in Wal-mart and I saw a rack of posters in one of the aisles. It had the usual - Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, and the rest of the Disney stars prominently featured. But at the very front was a Twilight poster. After shuddering over Robert Pattinson's red-eyed stare and messed-up hair, I noticed that it said something on the top.

"If you could live forever, what would you live for?"

The question hit me as strangely true. I'm probably one of the only teenage girls who hasn't read the Twilight series, so I have no idea what the book/movie's answer to that question was. Something to do with love or vampires, I'm sure. But it struck me that, as Christians, we can live forever. We know that, even though our physical bodies may die, our spirits will live on eternally with God.

So what do we live for?

We all know that Christ should be the answer to this question. But how many of us can honestly say that we live for Christ every second of every day? That we love him above all else, even things like money, fame or love? Just a thought.

On another note, there's a guy I know from church who has a reputation for godliness. Friday night at Free Pizza Friday at our church, I was talking with some friends of mine. They were saying that he prays about everything - and I mean everything. One girl exaggerated and said, "He probably even prays about what to eat! It's like, 'Dear God, should I have cheese or pepperoni pizza?'" Today in Sunday school we were talking about gossip and one of this guy's friends told everyone that when the conversation even sounded like they were about to start to gossip, he'd say, "Hey, guys, let's not talk about that." He shares his faith boldly and openly with friends and coworkers. He's known at his school to be a Christian, unable to stop telling classmates about Christ, and having to be told to take his Bible off his desk. He always serves at church, even to taking all the girls' chairs after Sunday school and stacking them so we don't have to. See what I mean when I say he has a reputation for godliness? How cool is it that everyone knows he's a Christian by the way he lives, that no one has to ask him what he believes because they already know. I want to live like that.

sunday school musical

Just when you thought they couldn't come up with anything else to make money off the High School Musical market...

There's been two sequels (and reportedly they're considering making High School Musical 4), a stage show, an ice show, chart-topping soundtrack CDs, karaoke CDs, slippers, pillowcases, even hairbrushes covered with HSM pictures. I even saw a book at Lifeway entitled Wildcats in the House: Spiritual Stuff You Can Get From High School Musical. I can only vaguely remember the little I read in it, but I seem to remember it containing such gems as, "The Bible tells us to be unified. In 'We're All In This Together...'" Wow. Pretty cheesy, huh? I thought that was the worst it could get.

I was wrong.

Almost two months ago, I was in a Christian bookstore in DC looking for a DVD to watch when I saw it.


Yeah, you're seeing that right. It's called Sunday School Musical. Strangely enough, it's not made by a church in hopes of drawing in some of High School Musical's fans. Apparently it's made by Faith Films, a small division of Warner Brothers. Yes, Warner Brothers is putting out this kind of movie. The director, Rachel Lee Goldenberg, has directed or assisted with several other weak imitations of popular movies. If the title wasn't enough, the cover's similarity to any one of the High School Musical DVD covers should convince you. Except that the stage curtains are green instead of red, and the characters are wearing choir robes instead of HSM 3's graduation robes, it looks almost identical to the HSM DVDs.

When I saw the DVD, I couldn't stop laughing. I took a picture of the cover with my cell phone and texted it to some friends who would find it funny. My friends Chelsea and Marefia found it just as funny as I did, and we talked about renting it and watching it just for laughs. I looked it up online, and the Blockbuster a few miles from my house had two copies of it. So we rented it, and Monday morning, because the public schools had the day off for a teacher workday, we watched it.

It was just as funny as we expected it to be. The main character, a guy named Zach (which sounds a little too close to Zac, as in Zac Efron, for me) likes to sing on the rooftop of his old apartment building. He and his church school's choir are going to the state competition (pronounced "the states competition by the actors) with their song-and-dance version of "This Little Light of Mine." Because the third choir couldn't make it to the regional competition, their out-of-tune, supposedly uncool rivals, the Crossroads Christian School choir, advance to the finals as well.

But when Zach goes home for dinner that night, his mom surprises him with the news that she's lost her job and they'll have to move in with his aunt to save money. Surprise, surprise, the school he ends up going to is Crossroads Christian. To make a long story short, he helps Crossroads Christian's choir improve, and then when Hawthorne (his old school) closes down so his old choir can't go to state, he combines the two choirs into one, making all dissension disappear with a song and a dance. In the end, they don't win the competition because of an unfair dismissal, but the winners give up their prize to the "real" winners.

There were several moments that made us roll on the floor laughing. For example, when Zach walks into the classroom of Crossroads Christian School for the first time, the glasses-wearing geek (honestly, what else do you call a guy who is overeager to present an hour-long presentation on the painting of The Last Supper and then has to be stopped after that amount of time by the teacher, even though he was "just getting started.") turns around, slides his glasses down his nose just enough so that he can look over them at Zach in a wanna-be threatening look, and says, "I'm onto you." What he was supposedly onto was Zach's "plan" to spy on their choir. He seems to really like the glasses-slide-down-threatening-look thing, which he repeats numerous times throughout the movie.

The way that the characters go from boring students to expert dancers is almost laughable. There's a character named Margaret who always has her nose in a book, even hiding it in her choir folder and reading when she's supposed to be singing. Her excuse for not singing? "Hello, I'm shy!" By the end of the movie, she's dancing and singing enthusiastically with the rest.

My personal favorite song was the one called "You're Not the Boss." Savannah, Zach's love interest, and Miles, the geek of "I'm onto you" fame, have a sing-off at the lunch tables, dancing and jumping from table to table in the midst of kids sitting there doing homework apparently oblivious to Savannah and Miles singing and dancing almost on top of their textbooks.

But the cheesiest moment started at home between Savannah and her dad. She tells him that she's not overwhelmed with all the stuff she's doing - yet. "Well, if you ever do, you can always do what your mother did," her dad tells her. "What's that?" she asks. "Well, she'd take a piece of bubble gum, and she'd blow a big bubble. And then she'd say a little prayer that went something like this, 'Dear God, make this bubble take my trouble.' Then she'd pop it - and all her trouble would be gone." During a stress-filled moment near the end of the movie, Savannah steps out of the room and blows a bubble, smiling up at the sky after it pops. Don't you wish stress could be relieved that easily?

The movie ends with an awkward kiss between Zach and Savannah, cutting upward for a happily-ever-after feel. But their try at a happy ending doesn't take away from the so-bad-it's-funny rest of the movie.

If you ever need a laugh, go watch Sunday School Musical. :)

true love died

A song we've been singing at my church lately is "True Love" by Phil Wickham. The chorus goes like this:

The earth was shaking in the dark,
all creation felt the Father's broken heart.
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
the day that true love died,
the day that true love died.
When blood and water hit the ground,
walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were freed and made alive
the day that true love died,
the day that true love died.

Yesterday, Easter Sunday, the words really hit me. What does this world think love is? An emotion, physical attraction, an ideal. For us, as imperfect humans, it's true that those things are part of it. But they're missing the main thing - and twisting the rest. Love, agape love, is more than just a feeling. I have a note that I wrote in the margins of my Bible that says, "Agape love is a choice of will to love no matter what."

And God chose - he chose. Notice that word. No one forced him to do it. God chose to sacrifice his only son for messed-up humans who would ignore him, reject his gift, and even openly hate him. Though they didn't love him, God chose to love them. He loved no matter what.

But think about the words of that song. Jesus, the epitome of true love, died. For us. How against the ideas of this world it is to sing that love is dying. Death and love are not often associated with one another. But John 15:13 tells us that "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." God himself tells us that love equals willingness to die. And Jesus was willing to die. He died, betrayed by a close follower, abandoned by his disciples and disowned by the one who had vowed to stay by him forever, scorned by those who had days before cheered him as the coming Messiah, brutally murdered by those he came to save, bearing the sins of this world on his sinless shoulders, and feeling the wrath of his Father for the sins that he had not committed. He died alone, forsaken by everyone. The perfect lamb of God died one of the most horrific deaths this world has ever invented. He chose to die because of his great love for us. And that picture, of a man bloodied beyond all recognition, hanging exposed on a rough wooden cross, is the most beautiful picture of love in all of history. He endured all this for us. True love died.

random

A lot of different things have been happening lately in my life so this is going to be a somewhat random post...

Two Sundays ago, I slept in and missed Sunday school - and, apparently, a guy making racist comments to my friend, who is African-American. She was wise enough to turn the other cheek and ignore his comments, even welcoming him when he walked up to her on Sunday night. So this morning, as I was walking to the car, I ran into my friend Marefia. "I have to tell you something," she said. And then she told me that the guy who made those comments received Christ during the third service! How awesome is that? I believe that my friend being a good example of Christ to him played at least a small part in his eventual acceptance of salvation.

Lately I've been realizing that serving others isn't necessarily doing something big. It mainly means making small sacrifices. For example, sacrificing my time to help my mom clean out her closet, or getting my little brother a glass of water even when I'm exhausted. I think these are the kind of sacrifices that God is pleased with.

Friends are amazing. And I have so many different kinds of friends. Crazy friends, serious friends, friends who are decidedly country people, friends who love busyness and big cities, faraway friends, friends who live just down the road, old friends, new friends, sweet friends, outspoken friends, girl friends, guy friends, very conservative friends, slightly more liberal friends, friends who make me laugh, and friends who encourage me. They all make me smile just to remember that I know them.

This past week, everyone in my family - except me - has been sick. I've been the one doling out pain medication for the headaches, hot tea for the sore throats, and cough medicine for the constant coughing. Friday was a slow day. We slept in, made strawberry smoothies, and I watched Ella Enchanted with my little sister who could barely talk because of an extreme sore throat. Apparently this virus makes my sister have nightmares, and my parents are up at 1 a.m. convincing her that she really doesn't need to save the world after she wakes up from another crazy dream that makes her determined to save everybody. Life is crazy.

Yesterday my mom, my sister and I went on an impressively successful shopping trip to the mall...we actually found two skirts that weren't either two inches long or sweeping the floor. Now that is unusual. It's so hard to find clothes that aren't extremely revealing.

This week the college I take a class at has Easter Break, so I get a break from class this week! Exciting stuff! I think this week I'm going to relax and not worry so much about school and stuff. I've been so busy and it's physically wearing me out. I think it'll be nice to just relax and not have things to worry about.

Tonight at Overflow Dave said something that made me think. In Ephesians 3, Paul talks about the "unfathomable riches of Christ." God is unfathomable. You can't put him in a box, and you can't understand him. Something to think about.

Good night -

Lauren

impact

When I got home from serving at a women's coffee at our church tonight, my sister had some amazing news for me. She and I started a Christian girls' magazine several years ago, and also created a website for it. Since I started my junior year, I've been just too busy to keep doing the magazine, so she's taken it over, but I still help with grammar editing and managing the website. So when I walked in the door, my sister said, "Someone became a Christian because of our website!" I looked on the message board, and sure enough, someone had typed, "I became a Christian because of this awesome website!"

Wow. Talk about amazing. Because my sister and I started a little magazine and a website, a soul was eternally saved. I don't know quite what it was, but something on our website had an impact on this girl, and God worked in her heart so that she was willing to open her life to him and allow him in. I feel like for once in my life, something that I've done has had eternal impact. I am so excited!!!! God is awesome, the way he works in lives and in hearts to draw us closer to him.

he hears me

Tonight God showed me again how much he loves me, how he hears me, how he knows me and hurts for me. On Wednesday nights at my church, we start off with half an hour of prayer, individually and then in groups. Someone talks for ten minutes about a Psalm - we started with Psalm 1 and are going through the whole book - and then we have individual prayer. Tonight the psalm spoke to me because it seems like God is using David to say, "You're not alone. I went through this, and God was here with me." It was like God was speaking directly to my heart, saying, "Lauren, I love you. I hurt for you when you're hurting."

The psalm was Psalm 13. It says,

"How long, O Lord ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

For the past several months, I haven't been able to sleep at night because of all these thoughts overtaking me. I've always been the kind of girl who needs to have everything planned out in advance, so not knowing what my future will be is something that brings me great anxiety. As well, I've been struggling with being discouraged. Often it seems like when one thing is resolved, another thing comes up to worry me.

So when David says, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" I can empathize with him. Wrestling with thoughts...it's a perfect metaphor for the kind of rushed, crazy thoughts I have as I wait for sleep to come. I push them away, but they scream raucously for my attention, coming upon me again and again. One moment I'm on top of them and I am trusting God, but the next moment I fall and I'm disheartened once again. Satan is "overcoming me," and I'm too exhausted to care. But no matter how tired I am, I can't fall asleep. So these thoughts come on me again. It's like a vicious cycle.

But those last two verses were like balm for my weary soul, just a sip of hope so I can get through. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." How amazing it is that he loves me. And it says right there that his love for me is unfailing. No matter how many times I fail and I fall, my God is always going to love me. When I feel discouraged, I can remember that, and my heart can rejoice in his salvation, the fact that his unfailing love for me was what caused him to send his son so that I can have everlasting life with him. Often I don't feel like singing to the Lord, or letting my heart rejoice, but that last line is so true. He has been good to me. When it feels like I'm going through a valley, I can remember all the wonderful things he has done for me, and it comforts me.

Right now my heart is rejoicing in his salvation, and I am singing to the Lord because he has been good to me, but I know I won't always be so sure, so confident. But I know that I can trust him because of his unfailing love for me.

That's all for now -

Lauren

marvelous light

The last phrase I wrote in my blog post yesterday has been echoing with me since I wrote it. "In light of eternity." It's a Christian phrase that we use a lot. It slips off the tongue so easily. But what does it really mean?

The picture I have in my mind is of my life, a long, dark path. But at the end of that path is an open door - the door that leads from the end of my time on earth to the beginning of eternal life with Christ. And the marvelous light from that glorious place is shining through the open door, shedding light on my dark path. In light of eternity...that light makes things clearer, shows me what really matters here on earth, gives me hope for the future.

people

Some of my favorite days of my life are the ones spent with people I love. I don't know exactly when I consciously made a decision, but a while ago I decided that people are the most important things in life. These are other humans made in the image of God, and loved fully by him. They are his treasures, surpassing even the beauty of a rose in full bloom or the awe-inspiring vastness of the universe he created. These flawed, sinful creatures, created from dust, to one day die and return to dust, but with life breathed into them from the very mouth of God, are considered by God to be the ultimate beauty of his creation.

So to me it's more important to spend an hour going to Wal-mart and then to Target with Lauren because Wal-mart didn't sell the appropriate size bow to decorate her present of the DVD of Bolt for her boyfriend than to spend an hour working on homework for my English class. It's more important to discuss heroes and chocolate bunnies with Dave and people who drop by than to get the Overflow attendance recorded fast. It's more important to get up at 4:50 a.m. on World Changers to study the Bible with Grace than to get some much-needed sleep for the busy day of physical labor ahead. It's more important to spend the evening at Chick-fil-a with Chelsea discussing songs with the name Lauren in them, carnivals, my "outdated" cell phone and American Idol instead of staying at home typing something up. All these things are more important because they involve people. Technically, I guess, these things aren't as productive as their alternatives would have been. But, I think that in God's eyes, they were more important in light of eternity.

a servant of christ

This past weekend I went to a Disciple Now weekend at my church. It wasn't the first one I've ever been to; I went to the one at my church in the fall of last year. But for some reason the theme of this year's D-Now resonated with me. The phrase on the t-shirts and the huge banners hanging from the ceiling was "a servant of christ." The overarching theme of all the general sessions and small groups was being a servant. I never realized how many things play into being a servant! We talked about being passionate for Christ - passionate meaning that you are willing to suffer for him, to give up anything that you're holding in between you and God. We talked about the two greatest commandments: loving God with all your heart, soul and mind, and loving your neighbor as yourself. We talked about how faith is treasuring Christ above all else, and the reason for our whole existence is to help others treasure Christ. There were so many things that were covered this weekend - so many that I don't know if I fully grasped many of them. I know that in the days to come I'll probably come across something or live through something that will make me remember something I learned this weekend and think, "Hey, I get it now!"

But the thing that hit me the most happened when our small group leaders washed our feet after the general session on Saturday night. It was a powerful example of service and it affected the whole youth group in a way I can't put into words. During the session right before, Walt Barnes, our speaker, had been talking to us about Jesus washing his disciples' feet. Did you know that the servant who would normally wash guests' feet was the second-lowest servant in the entire household? Usually he would be blind, or deaf, or lame, or a combination. In other words, the only thing he was able to do was to take a bowl of water and wash the dung, dust and filth off his master's guests' feet. For Jesus to kneel and wash his disciples' feet was an act of total humility. Imagine it, the God who made the universe humbling himself to become lower than the second-lowest servant - to become the lowest of them all - and washing the feet of the ones he created. It was a beautiful picture of love and service. I can understand why Peter protested, "No, Lord, you shall never wash my feet." It felt so backward to have even the leader of my small group wash my feet. But for God himself to do it! I am so unworthy.

And, as I sat there on the floor of the sanctuary with my freshly-washed feet, I thought how opposite Christianity is. In the world around us, to be a leader means power, means riches, means influence. But to Christ, leadership is humbling yourself to be the lowest servant and washing the feet of others. In Matthew 20:26-28, he tells his disciples, "...whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave - just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." We as Christians need to rethink our approach to leadership and see with God's eyes. In order to lead others, we must humble ourselves and become their servants.

"When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. 'Do you understand what I have done for you?' he asked them. 'You call me "Teacher" and "Lord," and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.'" John 13:12-1

to bring you back

A good friend of mine was on the radio several months ago. She picked her top five Christian songs and shared them on a Christian radio station in Colorado, where she lives. Her number one song was a song called To Bring You Back by Paul Alan. Before then I'd never even heard of the artist, Paul Alan, much less the song. But I really liked the song from the first listening, so I bought it on iTunes. And lately, I've been listening to it a lot. It's basically a modern musical version of the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15. The chorus goes,

I left the ninety-nine to find the one
and you're the one
I walked a thousand miles in the desert sun
Only to bring you back

The song made me think a lot more about the parable. Imagine for just a moment that you're a shepherd a couple thousand years ago, and you own a hundred sheep. In order to feed all of these sheep, you have to travel to a spot with enough grazing land that a hundred sheep can feed all day and not run out of grass. So you travel for several days until you reach a spot where your sheep can graze. It's a hard journey, because you only have a pair of sandals with thinning soles on your feet, and the ground is hard and rocky. The sun beats down on your head mercilessly as you travel, and as you sit there letting your sheep eat. Finally, it's time to take your herd back home for the winter. Maybe you'll sell some and sacrifice the most perfect one to the Lord. You're only a few hours from home, dirty, sweaty, tired, with bruised and battered feet, when you realize that you're missing one sheep. And this isn't just any sheep. No, this is the stubborn and ornery sheep that is constantly straying from the flock and forcing you to waste long hours searching for her. I know I wouldn't have to think long before making the decision to forget about her. After all, you have ninety-nine others! And the one sheep that you've lost is a constant irritation to you.

But consider this. Jesus didn't do that. All of us were at one time that sheep constantly straying from the loving care of the shepherd. But Jesus Christ didn't leave us to die alone and forgotten. He left the ninety-nine to find the one - and we're the one. Would you walk a thousand miles in the desert sun only to bring back that one wandering sheep? That's what Christ did. For us.

finding joy in the little things

I like to find joy in the little things. Everything in my life may not be just as I want it to be, but the sight of a perfect snowflake or the sound of a baby's laugh can make my day.

Most people miss the beautiful things in life because they're going too fast. I once heard someone say, "Make the most of the little things, because when you come to the end of your life you'll find that they weren't so little after all." I think that's so true. When you're on your deathbed, will you think about those things that today are so important to you? Impressing your boss, getting a raise or a promotion, winning an award, doing well on a test...when you look back over your life, are these the things you'll remember? Will you consider these things the most rewarding things you've ever done? I tend to think that the little things will be what will matter most to you in that moment. The half hour you took off from your studies to go get ice cream with your best friend, the way a child smiled up at you in admiration as you showed him how to catch a fish, an impulsive hug from a younger sibling after you helped them with a difficult math problem, or the way you laughed with a friend for five minutes straight over an inside joke you had will be what's most likely to stand out in your mind in your last moments on this earth. These things are seemingly insignificant, but they stand out as eternally rewarding when you take a look at the grand scheme of things.

There are so many beautiful things in life if you only look for them. Most people pass by the details, the smaller things in life in order to get to the things that may be larger, but are somehow not as satisfying to the beauty-loving soul. The night sky seen through a canopy of leaves, a baby's tiny fingers, the heady scent of honeysuckle on a hot summer day that seems to fill the air with its intoxicating fragrance, a loved one's hand in yours, the taste of ice cold water after running for a long time, the way rays of sunlight seem to filter down softly through tree branches on a quiet spring day, the flickering light of a campfire, a pond so calm that you can see your reflection in it like glass - all these things are ones that give me joy. Sometimes, the beauty of life is shown in the way the little things continue to give us glimpses of heaven, even when life is bad.

little words

There are so many lessons you can learn from the little things. I’ve been memorizing the book of Ephesians lately, and I’ve gleaned many new insights from Paul’s choice of words – especially the small ones.

For example, when he talks about “the riches of God’s glorious grace, which he gives us freely in the one he loves,” the one word that stood out to me was the word “in.” It’s just a little two-letter word, but it speaks volumes to me. God’s grace was given to us in a human form – the Christ child. It’s the most visible, tangible form of God’s grace ever known to man. God didn’t just send a spirit down to earth to appear and tell us of this wonderful grace he has given to us. No, he shaped his grace into the form of a human body, sending his only son and his way of redeeming us in a way we could understand, the way we ourselves are made. Our grace laughed and wept and feared and danced as we ourselves do. Our grace was tempted in every way we are tempted, and yet was steadfast. Our grace gave himself up to the rough hands of Roman soldiers to be crucified like a common criminal and suffered incredible pain for our sake, yet said, with blood and tears streaming down his face, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Our grace lay silent in a garden tomb for three days before gloriously coming back to life. It’s the most beautiful picture of sacrificial love the world has ever seen. The Father’s grace was manifested to us in the very person of Christ.

Another instance was the verse in which he tells the Ephesians that he “keeps asking that the God of our Lord Jesus, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.” The word there that struck me was “may.” When I was in third grade, my teacher had the annoying habit of making sure every single third grader knew the distinction between the words “can” and “may.” A child would come up to her during recess and ask, “Can I go get my book from the classroom?” Invariably, she’d reply, “I know you can. The question is whether or not you may do it.” You would have to ask the same question, substituting “may” for “can” before she’d allow you to run off to the classroom. In the same way, we already know that God “can.” In other words, we know that he is more than able to give us that spirit of wisdom and revelation. So did Paul. He wasn’t asking God, “Hey, can you give it to them?” No, he was saying, “Father, I know you are fully able to do this. I know you can, but may you?”

And read the verse, “… in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” At first glance, the end of that first verse might sound a bit odd. Normally a verb like “be” is transitive, so that when you ask the question, “be what?” you’ll have an answer such as “be good” or “be his faithful followers.” Doesn’t that sound better? “… in order that we…might be his faithful followers for the praise of his glory.” Thinking about it though, I realized that God doesn’t want us to just be a certain thing or follow a stereotype for the praise of his glory, and then we can do whatever in the rest of our lives. Rather, he wants us to “be,” or to live all of our lives, everything we do, say and think, for the praise of his glory. That short word, “be,” encompasses more than just certain areas of our lives or a stereotype of a “good little Christian girl/boy.” That little word challenges to be everything we are for God’s praise and glory.

in the beginning...

I've always been fascinated with the Bible's frequent use of the metaphor of the difference between darkness and light. There are so many beautiful verses contrasting the shame and filthiness of the dark with the joy and freedom of the light. I guess you could say the title of this blog stems from that idea. One day, while I was reading my Bible, I came across Acts 26:17-18. It says, “… I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light ...” What a challenge! Our God has sent us to this world to turn people from darkness to light. What I'm hoping is that maybe this blog can be a candle to shed a little light on the darkness of this world.