why?

Why is it so unusual for someone to be a loyal friend? Why is it strange to stay committed to a friendship and work to keep it? Why is it weird and unheard of to have godly standards? And on the opposite side, why is it normal to gossip, watch terrible movies, listen to explicit music, give yourself away before the end of freshman year of high school, be unfaithful to any and every relationship you find yourself in, and wear clothes that show off everything you have - even for Christians?

Yes, I know we live in a sinful world and yes, I know I'm probably sheltered and naive because I've been homeschooled since middle school, but still! Do all those other Christians who blend in with the world not want to honor God? It confuses me to see people who I honestly believe love Jesus with all their heart give away the innocence of their hearts and minds to be like every other teenager walking the halls of WFR. Is it really worth it? Just to hear that song, to watch that movie, to fit in with everyone else, to be accepted...is that worth losing your godly reputation and your righteous standing before God, the one who created you and will one day judge everything you have done and are still doing?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excluding myself from this. While I know for a fact that I'm the most innocent person in any of my circles of friends - I've never even thought of doing some of the things they've already experienced, and half the time consider to be okay - I still struggle with wanting to be accepted. Though I don't go nearly as far as people I know, I rationalize that certain things must be okay if my friends, who are so strongly seeking after God's heart, do them and even praise them. And I know often people consider how much of your innocence you've lost to be an indicator of how mature you are. I hate the fact that I am the most innocent person I know - not only for me, because I'm looked down upon because of it, but also for them. I hate it because of what they've lost and can never gain back. I hate it because they are giving in to the world and what it says is okay instead of searching for God's standard. I hate it because they must be so confused to just shut God out from half their lives and only let him in when they feel like it.

It makes me wonder why, if fitting in is really worth it if this is only a blink of time in the eternity we have to live.

definition

Don't tell me who I am. Don't define me by the words I say or the things I do. You don't know who I really am inside, though you may think you have me all figured out. I do not fit into a stereotype. Ask me what I'm all about and I'll tell you, just don't tell me who you think that I am, because you're most likely far off from the truth.

language

"We are never half so interesting when we have learned that language is given us to enable us to conceal our thoughts." -Anne Shirley, Anne of the Island

That quote has always struck me as particularly true, although to some people it may not make sense. Even the woman to which Anne stated the above quote answered, "but it isn't - it's given us to exchange our thoughts."

The truth in the quote comes from the fact that as children we are completely honest, not experienced in the hurt and embarrassment that can come from brutal truth-telling. We share whatever is on our mind, tell people when they're annoying, beautiful, rude or kind. As children our thoughts are broadcast to the world because we don't care what other people think of us.

But once we hit middle school, this honesty begins to fall away. No longer do we share anything and everything with people we come in contact with. Our words are weighed before they're spoken, thoughts are concealed and we become experts in avoiding the truth - skipping around it with our words and hiding our real thoughts. It is then that we realize that the gift of language is in large part given so we can conceal our thoughts.

friendship

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art .... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. -C.S. Lewis

My friends make me smile. Just to know that I have friends who are passionate for Christ and whose passion is beginning to rub off on me makes me happy.

And...figuring out God's will is really hard. At least for me. I can guess, but to know for absolute positive sure is something that I haven't figured out yet. Which is not necessarily a good thing because I have a lot of decisions to make this year!

things that make me happy

dancing in the rain
laughing so hard you literally can't stand up anymore
when someone randomly texts/facebooks/calls me just because they were thinking about me
that lightbulb feeling you get when you finally understand something hard
an ipod full of good music
a stack of good books i haven't read yet
playing the piano so fast my fingers trip over each other
wearing a warm cozy hoodie on a chilly day
lifting my face to the sky and feeling warm sunshine on my face
hundreds of inside jokes with good friends
driving with the windows down and the sunroof open, the wind blowing in my hair
running quickly downhill and then collapsing at the bottom
singing in an empty house
when a photograph turns out really well
talking to an old friend
being with someone you trust absolutely
hanging out with someone who is totally crazy and outgoing
a drink of cold water on a hot day

this is not an exhaustive list.

i think for the past few days i've been on a high of happiness. i've gotten to see some of my best friends ever who live far away, and just being with them - hanging out, talking, laughing - makes me feel joyful deep down inside. these past few days have been a major gift from God, and i love him for it!

side note: i've noticed that because God has been a part of my life for so long, i'm not as excited about him as the people who have just recently discovered how AMAZING loving and serving him can be. for them, it's like God has exploded into their lives, taking over everything by force and showering it with vivid color. in my life though, it's like his color has faded. it's been sitting there in my heart for so long that i'm used to seeing it there. this should not happen. my entire life is centered around my savior. he should be my passion. i'm praying that God would give me back the love and excitement for Him that i had when i first started this journey with him.

another thing that makes me happy: my busy life. for which reason i must end this blog post and go to class!