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trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding

My friends make me smile. So much.

Why am I so stupid as to doubt God all the time? I would think the God of the universe would know slightly more than I would...hello Lauren, wakeup call. You don't need to know everything or to be in control of everything. Trusting God should not be this hard.

It's so weird the way God works in my life. It's like suddenly something he wants me to do appears to come up out of the blue and smack me in the face when I was least expecting it. But then I turn around and look back and I see such obvious footprints leading towards that decision that I feel like God was yelling in my ear, "Lauren! Hello, can you hear me? This is what I want you to do!" And I, oblivious, walked onward worrying about what I was going to do. So stupid. Will I ever learn?

Example: my choice of a major for college. I have struggled with this for awhile because up until about a year ago, I was headed for an English major, with maybe a minor in Creative Writing. Then everything changed, and I was stuck with heading into my freshman year undecided. I didn't feel like this was a huge problem, except for when I lay awake at night wondering about my future and if I would ever figure out what I wanted to do. That, and when a million and one people in England asked me what my major was and acted shocked when I told them I didn't know. Apparently in Europe, you have to apply not just to a university, but to a specific major. So it's unheard of to go into university without a specific major. But then around a week ago, my dad mentioned to someone that I had talked about majoring in communications a while ago. And I thought, "Oh my goodness, I did!" Then today I was telling him about the kind of things I liked to do and wanted to do in the future. And he told me, "It seems like a communications major is the obvious choice!" Bam. There we go. I have a major. I don't really have a career choice, per se, but I know my major, which is a bigger step than I thought I'd have taken by now. I am so amazed at how God works in my life even when I don't expect him to.

for God so loved the world

It amazes me how easy I find it to love someone. Just today I stood at a bus stop for an hour waiting for a bus that took forever to come with two sweet English girls named Sophie and Harriet. Both were newly eighteen and so excited about life. In some ways they were so adult - heading out to a bar, occasionally taking a sip of some kind of alcohol, talking about their jobs and their future plans and their future schools. But in other ways, they were so vulnerable and child-like, discussing how they love Justin Bieber, worrying about what their friends would say when they found out how late they were, responding so excitedly to everything I had to say, planning to pick cherries and talking about how cute my little brother is. And my heart completely went out to them. When they got off the bus at their stop, calling back to me, "Goodbye! We love you! We'll add you on Facebook!" I almost wanted to cry.

Will I ever see them again? Whether it's here or in heaven? My mom handed them a tract to read and we talked a little about their religion and our love for God. But sometimes I feel so helpless lying alone in bed at night crying out to the only one who can save them. I can do nothing. God is more than able to save to the uttermost - but will he choose to save these two? These girls with such beautiful, open, loving hearts. A little misguided, but so sweet. It breaks my heart a little more every day that I know people who need to love Jesus but don't. This is why I feel like choosing a career in missions would be killing me slowly, because praying and working and loving and having the majority of your prayers not answered would hurt me so badly that I feel like my love for God would grow warped. Because I'd beg him daily for the salvation of so many I love so dearly, but every day the heavens would appear to be silent to me. And I feel like I'd doubt him, and reconsider whether he truly loves the whole world if he doesn't choose to save everyone. I already doubt so much with basically all of my extended family not knowing Christ or ever desiring to know him.

This is one of the major things I struggle with about God. I don't understand it. I don't understand him. The pat answer is, "Well, if I could understand him, he wouldn't be big enough to be God." And that's something I've thought long and hard about, and I absolutely agree. To me it's not just another Christianese statement. But that doesn't keep me from wishing that I did know why he does what he does.

late night insecurities

Everyone has issues with insecurity and problems with friends...so they say. But so often I feel alone, like no one else deals with the sometimes insurmountable obstacles that I consider to be part of normal life. I'll admit it, I'm one to invent problems that don't exist and imagine enemies out of people who like me the same way they always did. So most of the time it's not other people's faults. It's all mine. And so when I'm stressed out about relationships gone awry, I try to take a step back and laugh at myself, because in all likelihood, tomorrow will show that there's nothing to worry about.

Lately I've been trying to take more responsibility, I guess you'd say, for some of my friendships. Initiating conversations, telling people things that maybe I've always wanted to say but never quite got out the words, making plans to hang out when I get back, saying less of the "right" thing to say and more of what is really in my heart.

And in this, I've been thinking back over my life about the friendships, the people who really touched me and influenced me. It's not hard to see some landmarks.

I remember being nine years old and so homesick my very first night of overnight camp that I got out of my bunkbed and woke up my counselor in tears. And I remember the rest of that week...and the summers and weekend retreats for years to come, all with the same counselor. I requested her specifically every time because I knew that to Leah, I wasn't just another kid the camp paid her to keep track of. She cared enough about me that she treated a nine year old whose world had just been turned upside down like a friend.

I remember how erratic my friendship with Grace used to be...and sometimes still is! Communication is always an issue, and probably always will be as we both have super busy lives and live 300 miles apart (and for the next year, a couple thousand!). But though weeks and even months may pass without so much as a "Hi, I miss you," from Grace, I know she still loves me and always will. The situations we're in and the amount of time we get to spend together doesn't lower the level of our friendship. We will always be close.

These are two of my biggest role models who I really want to be like.

One of my things that I love about people is when they ignore obvious barriers and basically say, "I don't care that we're not supposed to be friends because we're total opposites/big age difference/you're not that popular/my friends don't think you're that great/etc. I'm going to be your friend anyway." Not a lot of people have the confidence to do that. But it speaks in huge ways. That is unconditional love; that is someone who cares less about themselves and what other people think of them and cares more about you.

So, obviously, that's something I want to do. Reach out to everyone, love everyone. Regardless of the details of their lives. What else can I do? Jesus did it; am I more special than he is that I can choose who is acceptable to be my friend? There are obviously going to be people I click with a lot more than others; that's life. But I want to choose to love everyone.

And something else. I know when I was younger it would have meant the world to me to have older girls pour their lives into me, help me when I was confused, pray for me, teach me about Jesus...so that's something I really want to do for girls younger than me who are just now entering different and difficult stages of life and needing someone to be there for them.

I guess I'm trying to turn my "I need friends, I can't do this without someone to be there for me" thing into doing something for other people. How great that my God can turn bad things into good things. I love him, a lot.

anonymous notes

I admire you so much. You have no idea. When I first met you...when was that?...I don't think I was too impressed with you. You were nice, but you seemed average, and like you'd turn out to be like everyone else. But your deep love for God and your consistency in pursuing godliness was something I couldn't help but like about you. There aren't a lot of people in this world who care about their lives being pleasing to Christ. But you don't care that people think you're weird for centering your life around your faith. Your eyes are solely fixed on Christ, and you can't see anything else.

I feel like we could and should be better friends than we are. I like you a lot, but sometimes I wonder if you know it. Other times I wonder if you know but don't care. Something in me thinks we have a lot in common and could be the best friends ever. But who knows if you'll ever see the potential? I am really impressed that you, despite being beautiful and funny and outgoing and popular, honestly do have a deep and all-consuming love for Christ. You are not just outwardly beautiful. I love spending time with you because not only do you make me laugh, you make me think too. And when I've needed you, you've been there for me, if only in the little things I've asked of you. You have more of an influence on me than I think you know.

Wow, have we only known each other for a few months? It feels like as many years. From almost the very start, I let you in and I let myself go around you. You're the first person in years that I've immediately trusted. You don't realize how beautiful you are, but everyone else does. It's impossible to dislike you. Your impetous nature and contagious laugh make me laugh, and your heart is so genuine and lovely because you have completely surrendered to Christ. And one of my favorite things about you is that you can laugh and be crazy, but the next minute you'll be saying something wise and being God's messenger to someone.

I don't know if I ever officially met you. We just moved up through the youth group together and somehow, mostly this year but some of last year too, became friends. And now we're good friends. I never would've thought it would happen. But I'm so glad it did. I definitely put you together with a certain crowd in my mind, and I was amazed to find that what I'd imagined about you was so wrong. Because you actually care, and I don't know if they do. I really like that you have your own opinions of people and you like them all equally. It makes me happy to know that if, at any point, people decide they don't like me, you won't care. We'll still be friends. I'm smiling thinking about the different memories we share, and I know we'll still be friends even though our lives are now changing.

You're interesting. Often I don't know what to make of you. You have these random passions for pointless things, like certain bands or sports, but I don't know that you're really that passionate about God. And I don't know that you really care about your life either. I'm surprised when you don't plan for your future and let everything slide. Sometimes I feel like you're drowning, but you put on a front of surviving. I don't want to treat you like you're drowning, but sometimes everything in me wants to help you to...get a life. We used to be pretty close, and I still like you, but it's almost like I've grown up and you haven't. So I'll wait and I'll love you till you know what you're doing.

I used to think I hated you. I thought you ruined my life - and honestly, maybe you did. I did nothing to you, but one day you decided I was disposable and moved on. It took me awhile to do the same, and I know it hurt me a whole lot more than it hurt you. You affected my life and my future, though I didn't want to let you. And now you don't seem to remember any of it. But I don't hate you anymore. I decided to forgive you, though you don't care to apologize. And it's set me free because now I'm not defined by my past and by what happened anymore. Your life isn't all that happy, I know. I don't know how you'll turn out. But I'm praying for you, because with God's help...I love you.

What can I say about you that I haven't already said? I love you, so much. You are in so many ways an answer to my prayers. I've been friends with you for forever and I'm planning on staying friends with you the rest of forever. You love me unconditionally and encourage me more than anyone else in the world. Other people have best friends who come and go. But you stay. I'm so grateful for you.

You changed. Don't ask me how or why, but everything about you changed. And I didn't change with you, so you didn't have any use for me anymore. Because we didn't live in the same state anymore, it made it that much easier to drop me and leave me in your dust as you moved on with your life. I'm happy with mine, I wouldn't go back and change myself so we'd still be friends even if I could. Although you promised you were going to always be there for me, you weren't. Although you disdained other people for not caring, they've cared about me so much more than you have. Sometimes I worry about you, I think you'll change too much and go over some edge. Other times, I'm angry because all I can think is, "how could you do this to me?" And then I'm sad because I remember how you were there for me when I had no one else, and how good our friendship was in the beginning - and now it's over. I'm not going to push myself back into your life, because you so obviously don't want me there. A friend of mine told me it was your loss if you let go of my friendship. It doesn't feel like it, because I'm the one who cares about you and all the things - and people - you've thrown away, even though you don't want me to. But I'm glad that I'm not like you, because to be a person like you would be worse than being me and not having your friendship.

You're different than I thought you were. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But I liked certain things about you, and some of them aren't as they seemed. You're still, as a whole, an wonderful person. But there are just a few things I don't know how long it will take me to get over. I used to think you were a dream come true, and maybe you are. Maybe I just have to come face to face with the reality that no one's ever perfect, and you really were the best. But maybe there's someone else out there for me who's different. Either way, I'm sure I'll find out.

I don't really have strong feelings about you. You're nice, and I like you a lot, but we've never been super close. If you cared, I could be good friends with you. But I'm never quite sure if you like me or not, and you already have a best friend so you're not looking for anyone else. I've tried before, but you've never really reciprocated. I've noticed how much you've grown the past couple years, and I know how much you care about God. That makes me smile. And I know that whether or not we're ever good friends, you'll always be passionate about the gospel and your life will always shine brightly for Christ.

you do all things well

Before I left for England, I went out for dinner with a friend of mine and we randomly started talking about the school she and I both used to go to, though at different times. She told me that she'd heard that the graduating class (in other words, the class I used to be a part of in elementary school) was the worst one from that school ever. Apparently their junior-senior prom was more...immoral, I guess you'd say, than the local public high school's prom, which my friend went to. People drunk before they even arrived, inappropriate things happening while they were dancing, etc. Just in general, and from more people than just that one person, I've heard that the senior class is a little dysfunctional.

Occasionally, I'll see one or the other of them on Facebook, and it makes me sad to see how much they've changed. No longer the innocent little third graders who would pretend to be cheerleaders and play American Girl dolls with me, they now occupy their time with various boyfriends and drinking and drop swear words in their casual conversation. I almost want to cry sometimes when I see how they're throwing away their lives. They had so much potential, so much in them that's now reduced to just another party kid in college.

And then I think about them, about what they did wrong to me. As "innocent" little third graders. About that period in my life, about all that I went through, both publicly and privately. About how I could never understand why God cut off my friendship with them so suddenly, so sharply, so agonizingly painfully.

Then I think about who they've turned out to be and who I've turned out to be. I think about our separate futures, what we'll do for the world and what we have to look forward to. And I think about how they've restricted themselves from good things and ruined themselves and lost so much, both now and for the future.

And then I think I understand.

He loved me, so much that he could not leave me to ruin my life with those friends who have now turned their back on him and are looking into a life without hope because they chose themselves over God, and are not likely to change anytime soon.

He chose me, he pulled me out of "the muck and the mire," he set me apart to be holy for him. Why? Don't ask me. I'm not that special; I can't see that I'll do anything super radical or life-changing in the future so that people will write biographies of my life and talk about me after I'm dead.

But he loves me. He changed my life for me when I didn't understand and when I would have kept on going down a path that would have ended in destruction. Instead he picked me up and set my feet on the path of life.

This is one of the biggest things in my life that has happened to me that I have never been able to understand why it happened, no matter how many times I begged God to tell me. And now it's like I can see a little more clearly and see how he's used that situation in my life to break me and mold me into the person I am today. I still hurt over what happened, and I still can't say that I understand everything, but I can say that God is using even the terrible, horrible parts of my life for his good. And my God knows what he's doing.

Awesome.

second best

Looking at my life, the one thing I've noticed consistently is that in most relationships I have with people, I'm always relegated to second best. And by that I mean that I'm no one's best friend. And if you had a choice to hang out with me or to hang out with someone else...you wouldn't pick me.

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't stand out in a crowd. I don't do anything special. I'm not incredibly funny or friendly or wise or beautiful. I don't have really strong opinions on most things, and I can never seem to do the right thing in any situation.

So I'm equally amazed when someone thinks I'm wonderful and hurt when someone doesn't like me that much.

And it's hard sometimes to always be pushed to the back, to be forgotten, to not be especially wanted. It's harder when you know that's your life, and nothing's going to change. It's only in my down moments that I fully admit that to myself. Other times I'm overly optimistic and can convince myself that some people love me.

But that's too pessimistic. The real truth is that most people do love me - they just don't love me best. I'm always second best.

And for now, that's my life. So I live with it. After all, it is better to be loved second best than not loved at all.

Thank goodness God loves me so much more than second best!

When people can't manage to make time for me, I remember that God is always ready to listen. When I don't have anyone to call when I have a broken heart, I remember that God is the only one who will always be there for me. When someone promises they'll call me but my phone never rings, I remember that God always keeps his promises. When everyone else is together having fun, but they forgot to invite me, I remember that God chose me to spend eternity with him.