dear friends, i've changed my blog. please go to www.lekostenberger.wordpress.com to follow my random bloggy thoughts.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding

My friends make me smile. So much.

Why am I so stupid as to doubt God all the time? I would think the God of the universe would know slightly more than I would...hello Lauren, wakeup call. You don't need to know everything or to be in control of everything. Trusting God should not be this hard.

It's so weird the way God works in my life. It's like suddenly something he wants me to do appears to come up out of the blue and smack me in the face when I was least expecting it. But then I turn around and look back and I see such obvious footprints leading towards that decision that I feel like God was yelling in my ear, "Lauren! Hello, can you hear me? This is what I want you to do!" And I, oblivious, walked onward worrying about what I was going to do. So stupid. Will I ever learn?

Example: my choice of a major for college. I have struggled with this for awhile because up until about a year ago, I was headed for an English major, with maybe a minor in Creative Writing. Then everything changed, and I was stuck with heading into my freshman year undecided. I didn't feel like this was a huge problem, except for when I lay awake at night wondering about my future and if I would ever figure out what I wanted to do. That, and when a million and one people in England asked me what my major was and acted shocked when I told them I didn't know. Apparently in Europe, you have to apply not just to a university, but to a specific major. So it's unheard of to go into university without a specific major. But then around a week ago, my dad mentioned to someone that I had talked about majoring in communications a while ago. And I thought, "Oh my goodness, I did!" Then today I was telling him about the kind of things I liked to do and wanted to do in the future. And he told me, "It seems like a communications major is the obvious choice!" Bam. There we go. I have a major. I don't really have a career choice, per se, but I know my major, which is a bigger step than I thought I'd have taken by now. I am so amazed at how God works in my life even when I don't expect him to.

for God so loved the world

It amazes me how easy I find it to love someone. Just today I stood at a bus stop for an hour waiting for a bus that took forever to come with two sweet English girls named Sophie and Harriet. Both were newly eighteen and so excited about life. In some ways they were so adult - heading out to a bar, occasionally taking a sip of some kind of alcohol, talking about their jobs and their future plans and their future schools. But in other ways, they were so vulnerable and child-like, discussing how they love Justin Bieber, worrying about what their friends would say when they found out how late they were, responding so excitedly to everything I had to say, planning to pick cherries and talking about how cute my little brother is. And my heart completely went out to them. When they got off the bus at their stop, calling back to me, "Goodbye! We love you! We'll add you on Facebook!" I almost wanted to cry.

Will I ever see them again? Whether it's here or in heaven? My mom handed them a tract to read and we talked a little about their religion and our love for God. But sometimes I feel so helpless lying alone in bed at night crying out to the only one who can save them. I can do nothing. God is more than able to save to the uttermost - but will he choose to save these two? These girls with such beautiful, open, loving hearts. A little misguided, but so sweet. It breaks my heart a little more every day that I know people who need to love Jesus but don't. This is why I feel like choosing a career in missions would be killing me slowly, because praying and working and loving and having the majority of your prayers not answered would hurt me so badly that I feel like my love for God would grow warped. Because I'd beg him daily for the salvation of so many I love so dearly, but every day the heavens would appear to be silent to me. And I feel like I'd doubt him, and reconsider whether he truly loves the whole world if he doesn't choose to save everyone. I already doubt so much with basically all of my extended family not knowing Christ or ever desiring to know him.

This is one of the major things I struggle with about God. I don't understand it. I don't understand him. The pat answer is, "Well, if I could understand him, he wouldn't be big enough to be God." And that's something I've thought long and hard about, and I absolutely agree. To me it's not just another Christianese statement. But that doesn't keep me from wishing that I did know why he does what he does.

late night insecurities

Everyone has issues with insecurity and problems with friends...so they say. But so often I feel alone, like no one else deals with the sometimes insurmountable obstacles that I consider to be part of normal life. I'll admit it, I'm one to invent problems that don't exist and imagine enemies out of people who like me the same way they always did. So most of the time it's not other people's faults. It's all mine. And so when I'm stressed out about relationships gone awry, I try to take a step back and laugh at myself, because in all likelihood, tomorrow will show that there's nothing to worry about.

Lately I've been trying to take more responsibility, I guess you'd say, for some of my friendships. Initiating conversations, telling people things that maybe I've always wanted to say but never quite got out the words, making plans to hang out when I get back, saying less of the "right" thing to say and more of what is really in my heart.

And in this, I've been thinking back over my life about the friendships, the people who really touched me and influenced me. It's not hard to see some landmarks.

I remember being nine years old and so homesick my very first night of overnight camp that I got out of my bunkbed and woke up my counselor in tears. And I remember the rest of that week...and the summers and weekend retreats for years to come, all with the same counselor. I requested her specifically every time because I knew that to Leah, I wasn't just another kid the camp paid her to keep track of. She cared enough about me that she treated a nine year old whose world had just been turned upside down like a friend.

I remember how erratic my friendship with Grace used to be...and sometimes still is! Communication is always an issue, and probably always will be as we both have super busy lives and live 300 miles apart (and for the next year, a couple thousand!). But though weeks and even months may pass without so much as a "Hi, I miss you," from Grace, I know she still loves me and always will. The situations we're in and the amount of time we get to spend together doesn't lower the level of our friendship. We will always be close.

These are two of my biggest role models who I really want to be like.

One of my things that I love about people is when they ignore obvious barriers and basically say, "I don't care that we're not supposed to be friends because we're total opposites/big age difference/you're not that popular/my friends don't think you're that great/etc. I'm going to be your friend anyway." Not a lot of people have the confidence to do that. But it speaks in huge ways. That is unconditional love; that is someone who cares less about themselves and what other people think of them and cares more about you.

So, obviously, that's something I want to do. Reach out to everyone, love everyone. Regardless of the details of their lives. What else can I do? Jesus did it; am I more special than he is that I can choose who is acceptable to be my friend? There are obviously going to be people I click with a lot more than others; that's life. But I want to choose to love everyone.

And something else. I know when I was younger it would have meant the world to me to have older girls pour their lives into me, help me when I was confused, pray for me, teach me about Jesus...so that's something I really want to do for girls younger than me who are just now entering different and difficult stages of life and needing someone to be there for them.

I guess I'm trying to turn my "I need friends, I can't do this without someone to be there for me" thing into doing something for other people. How great that my God can turn bad things into good things. I love him, a lot.

anonymous notes

I admire you so much. You have no idea. When I first met you...when was that?...I don't think I was too impressed with you. You were nice, but you seemed average, and like you'd turn out to be like everyone else. But your deep love for God and your consistency in pursuing godliness was something I couldn't help but like about you. There aren't a lot of people in this world who care about their lives being pleasing to Christ. But you don't care that people think you're weird for centering your life around your faith. Your eyes are solely fixed on Christ, and you can't see anything else.

I feel like we could and should be better friends than we are. I like you a lot, but sometimes I wonder if you know it. Other times I wonder if you know but don't care. Something in me thinks we have a lot in common and could be the best friends ever. But who knows if you'll ever see the potential? I am really impressed that you, despite being beautiful and funny and outgoing and popular, honestly do have a deep and all-consuming love for Christ. You are not just outwardly beautiful. I love spending time with you because not only do you make me laugh, you make me think too. And when I've needed you, you've been there for me, if only in the little things I've asked of you. You have more of an influence on me than I think you know.

Wow, have we only known each other for a few months? It feels like as many years. From almost the very start, I let you in and I let myself go around you. You're the first person in years that I've immediately trusted. You don't realize how beautiful you are, but everyone else does. It's impossible to dislike you. Your impetous nature and contagious laugh make me laugh, and your heart is so genuine and lovely because you have completely surrendered to Christ. And one of my favorite things about you is that you can laugh and be crazy, but the next minute you'll be saying something wise and being God's messenger to someone.

I don't know if I ever officially met you. We just moved up through the youth group together and somehow, mostly this year but some of last year too, became friends. And now we're good friends. I never would've thought it would happen. But I'm so glad it did. I definitely put you together with a certain crowd in my mind, and I was amazed to find that what I'd imagined about you was so wrong. Because you actually care, and I don't know if they do. I really like that you have your own opinions of people and you like them all equally. It makes me happy to know that if, at any point, people decide they don't like me, you won't care. We'll still be friends. I'm smiling thinking about the different memories we share, and I know we'll still be friends even though our lives are now changing.

You're interesting. Often I don't know what to make of you. You have these random passions for pointless things, like certain bands or sports, but I don't know that you're really that passionate about God. And I don't know that you really care about your life either. I'm surprised when you don't plan for your future and let everything slide. Sometimes I feel like you're drowning, but you put on a front of surviving. I don't want to treat you like you're drowning, but sometimes everything in me wants to help you to...get a life. We used to be pretty close, and I still like you, but it's almost like I've grown up and you haven't. So I'll wait and I'll love you till you know what you're doing.

I used to think I hated you. I thought you ruined my life - and honestly, maybe you did. I did nothing to you, but one day you decided I was disposable and moved on. It took me awhile to do the same, and I know it hurt me a whole lot more than it hurt you. You affected my life and my future, though I didn't want to let you. And now you don't seem to remember any of it. But I don't hate you anymore. I decided to forgive you, though you don't care to apologize. And it's set me free because now I'm not defined by my past and by what happened anymore. Your life isn't all that happy, I know. I don't know how you'll turn out. But I'm praying for you, because with God's help...I love you.

What can I say about you that I haven't already said? I love you, so much. You are in so many ways an answer to my prayers. I've been friends with you for forever and I'm planning on staying friends with you the rest of forever. You love me unconditionally and encourage me more than anyone else in the world. Other people have best friends who come and go. But you stay. I'm so grateful for you.

You changed. Don't ask me how or why, but everything about you changed. And I didn't change with you, so you didn't have any use for me anymore. Because we didn't live in the same state anymore, it made it that much easier to drop me and leave me in your dust as you moved on with your life. I'm happy with mine, I wouldn't go back and change myself so we'd still be friends even if I could. Although you promised you were going to always be there for me, you weren't. Although you disdained other people for not caring, they've cared about me so much more than you have. Sometimes I worry about you, I think you'll change too much and go over some edge. Other times, I'm angry because all I can think is, "how could you do this to me?" And then I'm sad because I remember how you were there for me when I had no one else, and how good our friendship was in the beginning - and now it's over. I'm not going to push myself back into your life, because you so obviously don't want me there. A friend of mine told me it was your loss if you let go of my friendship. It doesn't feel like it, because I'm the one who cares about you and all the things - and people - you've thrown away, even though you don't want me to. But I'm glad that I'm not like you, because to be a person like you would be worse than being me and not having your friendship.

You're different than I thought you were. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But I liked certain things about you, and some of them aren't as they seemed. You're still, as a whole, an wonderful person. But there are just a few things I don't know how long it will take me to get over. I used to think you were a dream come true, and maybe you are. Maybe I just have to come face to face with the reality that no one's ever perfect, and you really were the best. But maybe there's someone else out there for me who's different. Either way, I'm sure I'll find out.

I don't really have strong feelings about you. You're nice, and I like you a lot, but we've never been super close. If you cared, I could be good friends with you. But I'm never quite sure if you like me or not, and you already have a best friend so you're not looking for anyone else. I've tried before, but you've never really reciprocated. I've noticed how much you've grown the past couple years, and I know how much you care about God. That makes me smile. And I know that whether or not we're ever good friends, you'll always be passionate about the gospel and your life will always shine brightly for Christ.

you do all things well

Before I left for England, I went out for dinner with a friend of mine and we randomly started talking about the school she and I both used to go to, though at different times. She told me that she'd heard that the graduating class (in other words, the class I used to be a part of in elementary school) was the worst one from that school ever. Apparently their junior-senior prom was more...immoral, I guess you'd say, than the local public high school's prom, which my friend went to. People drunk before they even arrived, inappropriate things happening while they were dancing, etc. Just in general, and from more people than just that one person, I've heard that the senior class is a little dysfunctional.

Occasionally, I'll see one or the other of them on Facebook, and it makes me sad to see how much they've changed. No longer the innocent little third graders who would pretend to be cheerleaders and play American Girl dolls with me, they now occupy their time with various boyfriends and drinking and drop swear words in their casual conversation. I almost want to cry sometimes when I see how they're throwing away their lives. They had so much potential, so much in them that's now reduced to just another party kid in college.

And then I think about them, about what they did wrong to me. As "innocent" little third graders. About that period in my life, about all that I went through, both publicly and privately. About how I could never understand why God cut off my friendship with them so suddenly, so sharply, so agonizingly painfully.

Then I think about who they've turned out to be and who I've turned out to be. I think about our separate futures, what we'll do for the world and what we have to look forward to. And I think about how they've restricted themselves from good things and ruined themselves and lost so much, both now and for the future.

And then I think I understand.

He loved me, so much that he could not leave me to ruin my life with those friends who have now turned their back on him and are looking into a life without hope because they chose themselves over God, and are not likely to change anytime soon.

He chose me, he pulled me out of "the muck and the mire," he set me apart to be holy for him. Why? Don't ask me. I'm not that special; I can't see that I'll do anything super radical or life-changing in the future so that people will write biographies of my life and talk about me after I'm dead.

But he loves me. He changed my life for me when I didn't understand and when I would have kept on going down a path that would have ended in destruction. Instead he picked me up and set my feet on the path of life.

This is one of the biggest things in my life that has happened to me that I have never been able to understand why it happened, no matter how many times I begged God to tell me. And now it's like I can see a little more clearly and see how he's used that situation in my life to break me and mold me into the person I am today. I still hurt over what happened, and I still can't say that I understand everything, but I can say that God is using even the terrible, horrible parts of my life for his good. And my God knows what he's doing.

Awesome.

second best

Looking at my life, the one thing I've noticed consistently is that in most relationships I have with people, I'm always relegated to second best. And by that I mean that I'm no one's best friend. And if you had a choice to hang out with me or to hang out with someone else...you wouldn't pick me.

I'm the kind of girl who doesn't stand out in a crowd. I don't do anything special. I'm not incredibly funny or friendly or wise or beautiful. I don't have really strong opinions on most things, and I can never seem to do the right thing in any situation.

So I'm equally amazed when someone thinks I'm wonderful and hurt when someone doesn't like me that much.

And it's hard sometimes to always be pushed to the back, to be forgotten, to not be especially wanted. It's harder when you know that's your life, and nothing's going to change. It's only in my down moments that I fully admit that to myself. Other times I'm overly optimistic and can convince myself that some people love me.

But that's too pessimistic. The real truth is that most people do love me - they just don't love me best. I'm always second best.

And for now, that's my life. So I live with it. After all, it is better to be loved second best than not loved at all.

Thank goodness God loves me so much more than second best!

When people can't manage to make time for me, I remember that God is always ready to listen. When I don't have anyone to call when I have a broken heart, I remember that God is the only one who will always be there for me. When someone promises they'll call me but my phone never rings, I remember that God always keeps his promises. When everyone else is together having fun, but they forgot to invite me, I remember that God chose me to spend eternity with him.

comprehension

Some of my thoughts lately have been about being "saved" and at what point that occurs. In my life, I accepted Christ into my heart and asked him to save me from my sins at age 3. I know that at that point I understood my utter hopelessness for any other redemption except for in the name of Jesus. And I also know that it was the point at which my name was written in the Book of Life.

But I also know that I did not fully understand many things about God at that point. I didn't really understand just how much God loves me. I didn't understand the concept of my life being radically changed by my relationship with the God of the universe. I don't think I understood the concept of rules and standards being followed not because of legalism but because it pleases God for us to be holy. I didn't understand grace.

Those are just a few examples. Many concepts which I now consider to be core to my belief in God I didn't know of or understand at the point when I accepted Christ. It's confusing. It's like I loved Christ before I even knew why I loved him. I just knew there was nothing else for me, and as a young child, I believed and loved whole-heartedly.

things aren't quite like what they used to be

In England, they talk so fast and with such a strong accent that sometimes it's almost like they're speaking another language. I often have to ask people to repeat something they've just said. I really love the accent though. My friends Katie and Rebecca were teaching me how to speak British, not posh British or cockney, just with a "normal" accent, and now I can fake a really good British accent. I've also learned a bunch of British phrases that everyone says. My favorite one, which is a bunch of English-ese strung together, is "That's rather spiffing, flowerpot!"

I have a problem. I am interested in too many things to pick one major and one interest and one career. I told Sabrina that I know whatever I do will have to do with people because one of my theories is that people are the most important things to invest in because they're the only things that will last forever. And that I want to care for people's souls, not their bodies, though that's a highly commendable career. While I was talking to her I realized how ironic that is that God would call me to such a career when I am so introverted. But God would do something like that. He would call me to something so opposite of what I first thought I'd do. I look back at the journey I took to end up where I am right now and I realize that I never would have expected to end up here. But you know what? This is the right place for me to be right now. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has led me to this place.

You hear people talk a lot about God's will for your life, and figuring out what it is. I think a lot of people expect a sudden and complete revelation from God and then they're set for life. I don't think God works that way. I think it's more of taking steps and each one leading you to the next one. You don't know what's ten steps ahead, or even two. All you can do is take the next step and pray that God leads you the rest of the way. Often you don't feel like you're going anywhere at all. But then you'll look behind you and see the footprints that led you to where you're now standing, and you can see God's work in it all.

But I do, I honestly do way too often wish I knew what my future held. It drives me crazy not to know. But then again I feel like if I knew where I'm supposed to end up, I'd just work my way there and stop trusting God to get me there.

I think I like to blog because it enables me to organize my thoughts so I can sleep at night.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

It amazes me that some girls I know whom I know to be absolutely beautiful don't see themselves the same way. They'll look in the mirror and groan and talk about how they're overweight and need to work out, or how their hair is a mess, or how they need to put on makeup. Or I'll be walking somewhere with them and thinking about how I wish I had hair like theirs and they'll catch a glimpse of themselves in a shop window and comment, "I hate my hair!" Or we'll take a picture and they'll look at it and say, "Well, I look like crap today." Sometimes it makes me mad. Are they just saying that to make themselves look better? Do they even know how many girls are jealous of the way they look? But most of the time I know they honestly do think that about themselves. And then it makes me sad. I don't know if it's just me, because I tend to look at someone and call them beautiful because of what kind of a heart they have, but I think they're incredibly gorgeous.

And I have a theory...my sister would laugh because basically my life consists of these random theories that I come up with that all have nothing to do with each other and are generally unimportant for life and are also not backed up by any kind of fact but are just made up in my head. Anyway. I have this theory that you tend to look like what you are. As in, if you have a beautiful heart, your face will reflect that. Even before you're old and have wrinkles that define your default face, you can - or at least I can - look at someone and have some kind of idea of the person they are. I don't know how this works, and it's definitely not anything that would be scientific, but I really have noticed that. Please tell me I'm not crazy. :)

And from a totally selfish perspective, I wonder if these girls have ever thought that if they're talking about how unacceptable they look, how that reflects on me? In other words, if they think they're ugly, what do they think I am? I have some pretty beautiful friends, anyone would think so, and when I'm with them in comparison I feel like I look even less pretty than I actually am, which is not an awful lot.

On a mostly unrelated topic (another one of my theories is that everything is at least remotely related so you can probably trace some kind of a far-out path of your brain's journey from one topic to the next) lately I've been surprising people a lot. I noticed that a lot on the Greece trip. Once, on the bus back from Philippi, Eric and Sabrina and I were doing iPod karaoke and someone said, "Lauren, you do it!" So I said, "Okay, fine, I'll try it." And Eric looked surprised and said, "You'll do it? Wow, Lauren, you just surprised me." And I jokingly said, "I surprise people every day of my life." And it seems like recently I have been! haha.

It's interesting to me because for a long time I wanted to be more outgoing but I didn't want to push myself into fake extravertedness. And now I can be more outgoing. And I'm still myself. I think it's because on the one hand, I feel more accepted by my friends. And on the other hand, it doesn't matter as much to me anymore, because I'm beginning to truly know that my identity is found in Christ. So I can actually say what's on my heart without fear...okay, without overwhelming fear...that I'll say something completely wrong and mess something up. And I can do something without being afraid that I'll look totally stupid and make people dislike me. Because, love me or leave me, I belong to Christ.

i miss...

blasting music really loud in the car so you can barely hear yourself sing. opening the sunroof and feeling the wind whip your hair around. lying on the beach knowing you're getting too much sun but not caring. drinking some kind of iced Starbucks drink and then feeling really hyper because it has more caffeine than you were aware of. driving around with a carload full of friends. laughing way too hard over something that other people wouldn't think that funny. eating gelato everyday. talking for hours on everything and nothing. always going home having learned something new about life and love and faith. spontaneity. waking up smiling. going home from the beach with your hair stiff with sand and salt and your skin hot with a soon-coming sunburn. staying out late because there's nothing you have to wake up for in the morning. midnight fast food runs. my car. being able to pick up my cell phone and call or text someone. happiness and confusion being mixed together. walking down the streets of greece holding hands with friends because they do that in greece. running to make planes and buses. learning a new language everyday. accents. greek shopping. frappes. sarah workman's struggles. being woken up by sabrina dancing on the bed. hannah's "we are friends" song. eating greek salad everyday. ipod karaoke. taking bad pictures of katie. skyping with people from the hotel's messed up wifi. imitating british accents. walking way too much. trying to translate euros into dollars. getting somewhat delirious late at night at a bus stop and saying stupid things and laughing till we almost fell off the bench.

all this and more. one of the problems of having good friends is that you miss them like crazy when they're not around.

i've lived a lifetime in the past month

The events of the past month, looking back on them, seem to have taken so much longer than just a month. I have grown and changed and lived so much in the past month. My most recent excursion and life-changing experience has been my trip to Greece. I cannot begin to describe everything wonderful that happened on that trip. God blessed me so much.

There were a bunch of little things that I always think of as kind of inside jokes between me and God. I love how I can have inside jokes with the God of the universe. For example, for my entire sojourn in the land of Europe, God had been teaching me about love in many different forms. And I was memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. So then on Sunday, when Dr. Reid got up and started to teach, he asked us to turn to 1 Corinthians 13. I definitely had a silent laugh with God over that because I know it's not a coincidence that love was the theme.

Then originally I was on a certain team, but I felt really strongly that I should ask to switch. As in, God would not leave me alone until I asked. I normally wouldn't ask to switch because I've had several different youth pastors tell me how much they hate it when people ask to be switched and how they wish people could just stay where they're put. So generally I try to just go with the flow. But I felt so pushed to switch that I actually asked. And I switched. And it was the best thing I ever could have done. I was so blessed by every member of my team. Sarah, Haley, Hannah, Sabrina, Dr. Reid, James, Nikki, Brandon, Ryan...every one of them was used by God to impact my life in a different way. And the work we did was something that deeply impacted a community and enabled us to show God's love in a very tangible way.

Oh, and I just happened to have the best roommates ever! We were a random bunch, and there were four of us in a room when most people had two or three to a room. But we got along so well, laughed a lot and were really able to encourage one another in our faith. And the one person I got to know really well that week was beautiful Sabrina. She made me laugh from the moment I woke up in the morning - really, she would start singing before she even opened her eyes and dance on the bed to wake herself up - but then also would say things that would ring in my head long after she'd said them. Some of them I'm still thinking about even now. She has wisdom that she isn't afraid to impart to others, and I'm so grateful I happened to be the one God chose for her to share some with. She is a friend who I really look up to and always thank God for.

So yesterday I was thinking about how many friends I have who have taught me different things. Grace has taught me about unchanging love over long distances and time and changes, and about doing unconventional things for God. Leah has taught me about strength and taking risks for God. Sabrina has taught me about deep, giving love for others and having passion for God and for those who don't know him. Hannah has taught me about not being judgmental and having love for those who are not perfect. Lindsay has taught me about loyalty and staying deeply committed to your beliefs and those you love. And those are just a few friends, and those things are just a few of the ones they've taught me through their lives. I really want to be like these friends in that my friendship with someone is not just a feel-good friendship. I want to be, I guess, a little bit of a tangible version of Christ to them. That God would use me and my life to encourage them and to even teach them something. Just to be able to do something like that would be incredible to me.

One last thing. Monday night I went to a Bible study for the students (ages 14-18, I think) of the church I'm attending here in Cambridge. And the teacher taught on Joseph and his brothers and how Joseph not only forgave his brothers for what they had done to him - completely - but also showed them incredible grace in giving them not just any land in Egypt but the best part, the land of Goshen. And I thought of how I've had people who in the past have done terrible things to me, and it took so much for me to forgive them though to this day they've never apologized. But I have, I've forgiven them and forgotten because I have Christ and I don't need to hold on to anger against them. So I prayed and I asked God that in some way he would allow me to show incredible grace to these former friends of mine just like Joseph showed to his brothers and God himself showed to me. It's kind of a weird prayer, I guess, but it's something I really felt that God wanted for me to do. So we'll see what he does with that. :)

oh for the little things in life

Facebook is telling me to reconnect with my mom. Hahaha.

I hate it when people add you on facebook and either they look so familiar but you have no idea who they are or how you know them, or they have a billion mutual friends which makes you feel guilty that you don't recognize them and makes you think that you must know them. I used to do the whole private message "do i know you?" before adding them thing, but after awhile it got too awkward so now I just add them and remove them later if they just randomly or for some weird reason added me but never said anything to me on facebook or ran into me in real life. I feel like these people should put a little comment with their friend request saying, "Hi! Remember me? I knew you in preschool!" because otherwise I have no idea who they are. (p.s. it's especially creepy when they're way older than you.)

Twitter has been over capacity for like twenty minutes. How many people are on twitter right now? Goodness.


And I just heard this song called, "Pray for You." Not all of it. But I heard the chorus and it made me laugh. Alot.


Greece is in two days! I'm so excited!


And then one of my really good friends, Lauren, is coming with her mom to England! She'll actually be in Cambridge for most of the time I'm in Greece, but I'll happily be able to see her for two or three days when I get back.


So when I get on the plane in London, it's going to be around 50 degrees Fahrenheit. And then when I get off in Greece, it's going to be about 100. Really?

I think tomorrow I'm going to try to Skype with some friends back home. yayyy this makes me excited.

I'm finally in Cambridge and I'm so happy. I've dreamed about coming back here basically for most of my life. Tomorrow I'm going to take one of the bikes in the miniscule garage and "cycle" into the small downtown area. I'll get to look around and shop for things I need for Greece. Plus I want/need to buy some "wellies" as they call them here. Let me clarify the want/need...so at first I just wanted them because everyone wearing them looked cute and English. Then I experienced more than a few rainy days in which my jeans got soaked practically up to the knee and I literally had puddles in my shoes. Now wellies are definitely a need. Haha.

and again...

I forgot, one more thing. A couple days ago my sister and I were laughing about how when I was around seven and she was around five, we had to write down what we wanted to be "when we grew up." She said she wanted to be an artist. And something she reminded me of, something I'd forgotten...I wanted to be a missionary. Since around ten or so I abandoned that idea because I didn't think God was calling me to that. But now...now I don't know. God may be changing my mind. I almost feel like God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "Lauren, I'm changing your heart, your desires, everything, because this is what and who I made you to be." Is it? I'll be praying. I don't know quite what that means, as in overseas missions? in a church in America? just through something else? But maybe, maybe I might want to actually do that, something I thought I'd never be called to do. God is crazy.

back where i started from

And it's over. My whole long country-hopping trip is finished. Well, not quite. We're in Surrey now, which is on the outskirts of London and very much in the countryside of England which is gorgeous. Next is Oxford because my dad's speaking at Oxford University. Then we're in Cambridge, which is where we'll be living for the next two months. I'll only be there for two or three days though, because then I'm taking a bus to Heathrow and flying out to Greece! Okay, so I still have a whole lot of traveling left. But no more driving for hours and hours in the backseat of a stick-shift car (only now do I realize my deep, abiding love for automatic...) no more new countries and languages and foods and ways of flushing the toilet every day, no more not knowing what to wear each day because of the weather changing from jeans and sweatshirts to shorts and tank tops in ways my brain doesn't comprehend. No more dashing to make trains and metros and pick up rental cars and pack five huge suitcases in the back of a tiny European van. No more snapping pictures as if your life depended on it. It was an amazing trip. Somehow I don't feel as if I'm the same person I was two and a half weeks ago...was it only two and a half weeks ago? I look back at me before we left my great aunt and uncle's house and feel like I'm looking back a great distance to someone I was long ago. Maybe this trip has changed me. I felt like it would. I almost wanted it to. Maybe when I go to Greece and see my friends I'll realize that I really am different after all that has happened. Not that I'm better because I've been around Europe, but that somehow God has used this trip to open my eyes to things beyond the places and the faces that I've seen, and now I'll look at normal life and at these friends I see and know regularly with true sight. Aghhh...why is it that sometimes I'll write things and they'll come out sounding so proud and so arrogant and so "I'm better than you.."? That is not what's in my heart. I just feel that God has taken me way out of my comfort zone with this trip - where I know no one outside my family, don't even know the language most of the time, walk miles and miles, don't have space or time or anything to myself - and has slapped me in the face with things bigger than all of that. If God can do that with a trip around Europe only for visiting family and sightseeing, what will he do in Greece?! Oh my goodness, I'm so excited. I can't wait to go there and see what God will do. Honestly, I don't know much at all about Greece as a country or what we're doing there (although I've been on two different World Changers trips before, just not out of North America...to Florida and Canada.) This is a good thing, I think, because I'm not expecting anything. God can just do whatever without me pushing something and insisting to myself that God wants me to learn this or do that.

And something else I've learned from traveling is to never underestimate stereotypes. I always thought stereotypes of Europeans were highly overexaggerated. I was wrong. Most of what you see in movies portraying Europeans...it's true. The French say "voila!" a LOT. You buy a tomato, they hand it to you with a "voila!" The English say "loads" and "quite" and "jolly good." The Germans stare. And they're all so quiet, so unlike Americans who talk and talk and are really rather loud compared to those in Europe. The attitudes, accents, phrases. The people here really do live up to a lot of the stereotypes! And sometimes it makes me laugh. Really hard. I have so many stories.

I also have a million thoughts that have been running through my head. Why is it that I cannot manage to put them down on paper or the computer and thereby put them to rest anymore?

But life is lovely and I'm counting down the days until I leave for Greece! It's a week from today! I have lost all sense of what time it is back in North Carolina, but here it's almost midnight. Which means bedtime for me because we're going to an old, old church here in Dorking tomorrow morning. I can't wait.

love, love, love

So the other day I was riding on a crowded bus on the way from Venice to the hotel. It was crammed with people and I was trying to stand up and hold on to the bar as it jerked its way from stop to stop. An Italian guy got on and from the back he really looked a lot like someone I know, and yeah, definitely thought something of. And it was like bam! I realized something. I don't know if I really truly think that or if that's something spur of the moment that later I'll reject, but I felt like for the moment I'd wanted love so much I was willing to settle for something less - way less - than what God has to give me. And in that moment I thought, "Lauren, what the heck were you thinking to think that could be love?" I feel like right now I am totally clueless as to what real, true love looks like...but God is teaching me. I think I wrote something on here before about how I'm memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I have the first part of it down now, the part about how you can have incredible knowledge and do great things, but if you don't have love, you gain nothing. And now I'm starting to memorize the part everyone knows. You know, the part that goes, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..." and that's as far as I know for sure. It's really convicting me. I say I love people, I tell them, "I love you," with my words but with my actions? Am I really patient, kind, not envious, not boasting, not proud? I fail so much. I feel like I cannot truthfully say "I love you" when I can't live it out. But I guess saying "I love you" is more of a "I have feelings of love towards you and not only am I going to tell you that, I'm going to try to live it out."

I not only want to try to love my friends and family like that, I want to try to love strangers, and the people I'm serving in Greece like that. I want to love my roommate and suitemates at UNC like that. I want to love the people in my classes, the people I bump into in the hallways, the people I stand in line in the cafeteria with like that.

Oh, and what's going on in my life? I'm in France right now, in a hotel only about two miles from the border between France and Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be in Geneva, aka John Calvin/other early church fathers and Swiss chocolate land. The past two or three days we've spent in Italy. I love Italy. It's probably my new favorite country. I loved the mountains and then the flat, green land with the perfectly planted trees and the pointed, tall, dark ones, the water that was so clear and deeply blue-green. And Venice was definitely one of my favorite places I've been in my life. I loved all the canals and bridges and boats everywhere. And the architecture on every building was so detailed and unique! I couldn't live there because of the incredible amounts of tourists - it's really a very touristy place - but visiting there was incredible. I want to go back someday. And the stuff there was really well priced so I spent probably more than I should have. :) But you can get Italian leather shoes for really cheap if you look hard enough, and pretty Venetian glass earrings, and silk scarves, and hoodies for 20 euros as compared to 40 in other places. And then Milan! We stopped at the designer outlets and I bought some sunglasses and a necklace because I couldn't afford anything else. Even at like 70% off the normal price. But Italy - the weather, the scenery, the places, everything! - is so beautiful. I love it so much. Right now we're taking a long, leisurely time to get to Paris, where we're spending a few days to conclude our European tour. Well, not really a tour. Mostly my dad lecturing and visiting family. Only Venice has been real sightseeing vacationy stuff. But I'm really so happy that that's the way our Europe trip has turned out to be.

Oh, and something else I've been thinking about that is kind of related to the idea of love. I don't tell people that I love them, or that I miss them, or how incredibly blessed I am by their friendship. I hardly even show it. I think it a lot, but saying it is something I just now realized that I honestly don't do enough of. Do my friends even realize that I am so glad they're my friends? That they affect my life more than they could ever know? That God has used them in incredible ways to change me and grow me? That I am so grateful to love and be loved by them? When have I told them that? Try never. Why don't I tell them that?

i remembered!

So I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and the one thing I really liked that he said was to put your name in the place of "love" in 1 Corinthians 13. For example, "Lauren is patient, Lauren is kind..." Just saying that makes me feel incredibly guilty because I am not, have not been even today, either patient or kind in what I've done.

And something God told me was that I want love so much but I don't even know what it is and I can't even manage to properly love others myself. So I decided that I'm going to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 and try to put it into practice in my daily life.

And something else...I decided that whatever I major in, whatever career I end up in, it will have to do with people. Something I think is that people are the most important things to invest in because they're the only things that will last forever. So I'm thinking of a major in sociology, psychology, something like that. But that's totally tentative. All I know is that God is definitely calling me to a career in investing in people.

surprise!

If there's one thing I've learned from traveling all my life, and especially this summer, is to expect to never ever get what you're expecting. That is so true in my life with everything going on right now.

Right now I'm sitting in a McDonalds in downtown Vienna that offers free wi-fi. And they're playing "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne on the radio. Oh my goodness, total elementary school flashback. They play incredibly old American popular songs on the radios here. Oh, and speaking of surprises and the unexpected, I love European McDonalds! This is so unlike me because I hate McDonalds in the U.S. Not really hate...but I can never eat there because like everything has meat in it and their salads are awful. But in Europe, McDonalds sells veggie burgers. And they have delicious salads. And they sell donuts and brownies and other random good stuff that would not be fast food in the States. And french fries..oh my gosh, how I miss familiar, normal American food! So eating french fries is amazing.

So I didn't like Germany because the houses reminded me of that book "Brave New World" which was kind of creepy...but I was only there for two days. And it wasn't a final, I hate Germany, opinion. Just a quick passing thought. But I love Austria! Salzburg was pretty but I also love Vienna. I'm learning an incredible amount of German. I can basically get around Austria with my basic German and I can understand most of what people say to me.

And then I didn't expect to be sick in Salzburg, in pain my first day in Vienna, and get soaked one evening while running around Salzburg. Traveling is crazy and sickness just makes it more stressful.

But I love it so much. The pros so far outweigh the cons.

I had a lot more to say but I can't remember it anymore now that I actually have internet access. Plus I need to go back to the hotel and go to bed. Shopping tomorrow afternoon in Vienna! I'm so excited. Gute nacht, meine freundins. Bis morgen!

castles and mean girls

Today I went with my family to see a castle called Arundel Castle. It was incredible and awe-inspiring. I love castles. I walked into one room that was like a chapel inside the castle, and I looked up at the soaring ceiling and the stained-glass windows and it took my breath away. It was like the artists were trying to describe God with carved stone and colored glass, and they hinted at the amazing majesty he possesses. But then I looked down and I saw the rows of seats and I felt sad. Because there were three distinct types of seats - the ones in the front were very elaborate and covered in red velvet. Then there were in between seats, and farther back, plain wooden pews. And I immediately thought of...James, is it? where he talks about favoritism and not saying to the rich man, "sit here, in the best seat," and telling the poor man to sit on a stool at the far end. So many thoughts entered my mind after that. I can't type them all up.

And do you know what the English think of when they think of Americans? Mean Girls. Like the movie. They literally think all Americans are like that movie. Oh my gosh. I asked my cousins what they and people they know think of Americans and they said, "Mean Girls. Or they're all obese and at McDonald's 24-7 or if they're not they're anorexic. And they all have blonde hair and are really tan." I must have been a disappointment as I'm none of those things! But isn't that ridiculous...and kind of sad too...that that's the movie that defines us as a country? I really hope we're not literally those type of people! I think there's a lot of truth in Mean Girls, but I think they made it in an exaggerated way so as to not seriously offend, but hit home their point. So I don't think it was meant to portray Americans in a realistic manner.

I have so many stories already, and I haven't left England yet! I can't wait for the next few weeks. Tomorrow we take a train to Paris, and then drive. On the right side of the road, thank goodness. But soon I will drive on the wrong side of the road. It's a life goal of mine, haha. But tonight we're off to the Shimoyamas' for dinner. So please pray for whatever God wants to happen with these sweet and welcoming relatives to happen. And also pray for safe travel and not too much culture shock as we'll be in countries of different languages!

p.s.

P.S. They really do say "jolly good," it's not just a movie thing. Or a "film" thing as they say. And my second cousins are teaching me to speak British. And they have some hilarious misconceptions of Americans. Some that aren't quite appropriate for the web...but so funny. Everything is so small. And everyone is so friendly. The scenery is gorgeous - rolling hills and flowers and green, green, green everywhere. And old buildings and cottages and every house has a name...I saw one today called "the White House." I had to take a picture with it. Alisa and Elly laughed at me for being touristy and when the owner came out from his backyard he laughed when they told him I was an American and said, "Welcome!" And when my dad was trying to find his way on a roundabout while driving today, a guy on a motorcycle looked over and shook his head in a "Really? Learn to drive!" but in a nice way. I had to laugh. And I've drunk so much tea since I got here, most likely because I needed the caffeine. Did you know British people are just as fascinated with American accents as Americans are with British ones? Because they are. Not just from Elly and Alisa's reactions. They told me they and their friends are always trying to imitate American accents. It's hilarious. And hearing Tomio try to be a cool yet southern yet gangster yet preppy girl American is the funniest of all. If my camera weren't dead, I'd get a video of it. And I can't charge it because the power adapter my dad bought blew up my hair straightener. With a buzz and a horrid smell and an explosive pop! So next on the shopping list = new hair straightener plus suing Radio Shack for false advertising. "Works in every country!" If blowing up appliances is working, then they're right.

my life as a sleep-deprived world traveler

So facebook won't let me log in for another hour because I'm signing in from a different country and I failed to identify a certain number of friends tagged in pictures when one was a picture of a guy on a TV screen not even a legit picture of them? Anyway, so I thought I'd write a little on here. The flight to London was eight hours long. Eight hours. It was overnight, but the "night" was only about three hours long because we lost six hours. The sun set, then three hours later, it rose again. So crazy. And sleeping in airplanes? I just cannot do that for some reason. Maybe if the flight or the night was longer...but it wasn't. So I basically pulled an all nighter. And I've never done that before - stayed up all night long and then the next day too. It's killing me. I feel like I'm still asleep but I'm walking. It's like I'm in a dream. And not only is it a terrible idea to take a nap in the middle of the day cause it would completely ruin any chance of getting over jet lag, but I've been doing stuff. All day. We arrived and got our luggage and drove off on the wrong side of the road. It wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be. Then we stopped at a gas station because people were starving from the airplane breakfast they didn't eat and squashed by all the suitcases in the tiny European van - which incidentally my English relatives think is "huge!" Everything is different here. The brand names and the designs and everything. But really it almost felt at some point like coming home. I don't know why. And then we arrived at my great-uncle and aunt's house. We call them Uncle Chris and Aunt Carol. And I LOVE the British sense of humor. I love it so much. Because my Aunt Carol is very witty and she makes me laugh. First we talked with them for awhile. Then I changed because I felt disgusting. And then my mom's cousin Priscilla, her husband Takao, and their children, who are my second cousins and the closest thing I have to cousins, came for lunch. We were a bit shy at first because we really don't know each other. But then we went for a walk and talked for literally hours and had tea inside a church and picked bluebells and discussed differences between the English and Americans and made fun of each other's accents, and now we're basically new best friends. And even though I feel like I'm dying, practically for real, because I am so incredibly sleep deprived, I talked with them for pretty much an hour about Jesus. Please pray for them. Eleanor and Alissa are their names. Their hearts are so sweet and tender and they're confused about science and religion and faith and Christianity. I feel like they want to believe but there's nothing to tip them over the edge about trusting God rather than trusting science. They are so open and they even agree with a lot of the things that I say, and I think something I said hit a nerve with Elly because she stood there and was thinking and really seemed to care when I told her that my faith in Christ was something I could stake my life on and that I believed and trusted him so deep to the core of myself that I'd bet anything against him. She says she sees the case for both sides and just doesn't know and is unsure. And I told her I was sure and it was so great to have something in this shaky world that is never going to change and someone who I can always rely on. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I think she thought that she wanted that. Alissa was different, and I have the feeling that it will be different things that make them want to trust God if ever he chooses to make them His. I am just praying that God will use me and that even if it's not me leading them to Christ, that I make them think about him, that I make them unable to rest till they find hope in him.

It's 6:30 p.m. and I could sleep for twenty hours. ugh.

i am blessed beyond measure

I've always heard people say some variation of that. "Oh, bless your heart." "You're blessed with a pretty smile." "We've been blessed with good health." It's a phrase of Christianese that a lot of middle aged women overuse to the point of it not meaning anything anymore. So I tend to not use it. But sometimes it's the only word to really describe what's happening in my life. I look around and I'm so amazed at what God has given me! "My cup overflows."

I know high school seniors dream of graduating from high school and then taking a trip around Europe. And what am I doing this summer? I literally get a dream graduation trip. And then I get to go to Greece and tell people about Jesus. And then I get to go back and see my friend Lauren in Cambridge. And then I get to live in England for another month on top of that. God, are you serious? I didn't ask for these things. I didn't even dream of asking for these things. But you gave them to me and I can't contain my joy.

And then my life here in the States is so good that it's hard for me to leave. I have so many good friends and a wonderful church that I can truly enjoy serving and worshiping with. The other day I remembered my life four years ago. I was so lonely and though I loved Jesus and I knew he was enough for me, I had lost faith in Christians showing his love and being faithful friends. So, at this time four years ago, I can remember crying out to God and asking him for just one good friend. Only one. I look at my life now and I laugh at how little I asked God for. One? He's given me dozens and dozens and dozens since then! I have old friends and new friends, of all ages and personalities and I value each one individually. They all make me smile.

I don't say these things to boast in anything at all. These things were completely God's doing. My God is greater than my puny opinion of his power and can do anything. And this is evidenced by what he's done in my life. He's done more than I ever asked or imagined. I feel like I'm plagiarizing from a Bible verse when I say that. But it's so true. A lot of the things he's done or people he's brought into my life I never would have dreamed would become reality. Really, God? I can't believe the way he surprises and comes up with things better than I could have thought of. This is why my life is in his hands. Because he can do better things with it than I ever could.

expect the unexpected

I recently read a blog a friend of mine wrote about how your plans are not always God's plans, and he works things out in a way we never would have expected. He said it better, you can read it at http://romansfiveeight.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-plan-to-abandon-my-plan.html. But he basically described my life and the way I've seen God work the past few years especially. And it got me thinking.

If my life and the way God orchestrates it is completely unlike anything I ever expected, what about love? I have my own thoughts on what love is and how I'll feel about that person when he comes into my life. But what reason has God given me to believe that it's really truly what love is? Nothing he's ever done in my life has been expected or normal. So falling in love? That's going to be the hardest thing to figure out. I have the feeling the guy I marry is going to be nothing like I expect him to be.

I've been in what I thought was love before. And it felt like I expected and hoped for. But eventually I realized that this wasn't what God had for me. So now I'm trying to figure out what that is!

Something I struggle with is not really knowing guys who I would even consider going out with. A seminary student named Erin who spoke to the girls at Girl Talk described sixteen-year-old boys as "sitting around in their boxers playing xbox," which basically describes most of the guys I know. Not all of them. I know maybe two or three who actually love Jesus, are striving for godliness and have their lives headed towards a goal. But the overwhelming majority either do nothing or do things that don't matter. And they don't care about what God thinks about their lives. And then I know a lot of guys who are interested in dating just to date. They want a girl who'll make them feel good about themselves and make them look good to everyone around them. I'm not going to be that kind of girl for a guy like that. I'm interested in a relationship that glorifies God, in which we encourage each other to do great things for Him.

friendship and the future

How can I even begin to describe my weekend? My life is crazy and busy and such a mess, but I love it. And I'm a graduate! Everything just feels so unreal to me right now.

You know that feeling when you wonder whether anyone really likes you for you? I wonder that sometimes, and I know I will in the future, but one of my favorite parts of graduating was that I got a bunch of cards from my friends AND my family made me a memory book with pages from all of them. And they wrote nice things to and about me, and I could tell they were not just made up because you have to write something nice inside a card. Some of the cards really made me smile. I know I'll be keeping them for awhile.

Some of my friends are graduating and going off to college, and it seems to me like their attitude is, "Oh, it was great to be friends with you during high school, but college is a whole new playing field." They think they'll go off and make new friends and easily forget those they left behind. This may just be me, but I'm different. When I become friends with someone, I'm investing in the relationship because I want it to last, not because it'll satisfy my need of friendship for a season and then I'll move on and have other friends. I know that for at least a few of my friendships, they're never going to end. We may move to faraway places and get married and change as we grow up, but we'll always be friends in some way. I mean, what else are things like Facebook and Skype and Twitter for? And at my graduation party, I looked around and felt so incredibly blessed. We had a bunch of round tables set up for people to sit and eat at, and though we kept pulling chairs up to my table and fitting in as many people as possible, I couldn't even fit all of my close friends around one table. To say I'm incredibly blessed sounds too weak. To say I have amazing friends doesn't quite make it. To say God is doing awesome things in my life....words just cannot describe the workings of a loving and omniscient God.

I have this thing about including everyone because I know what it feels like to be left out. People have intentionally excluded me and simply forgotten about me before and I remember how worthless it makes you feel. I never want to make anyone feel like that. So something I really want to do is make everyone feel welcome to join in with whatever. I think that not only does it make other people feel good to be included and loved, but it's also a good witness to unbelievers because it shows that Christians are not playing favorites or backstabbing their brothers or sisters in Christ. It's also kind of acting out the part of Christ on this earth. Jesus wants everyone to come to him. So should we.

I also have this thing about not calling one person my best friend. I think sometimes it tends to sound like "She's my best friend, so that slot's filled. I'm not looking for another best friend. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to settle for second best because we'll never be as close as she and I are." So I'll say, "she's one of my best friends" because I always have more than one and I'm always looking for more. And I don't really judge how close our friendship is by how long I've known someone. I do have a best friend who I've known basically since third grade. Her family is like the extended family I've never had. We know each other inside and out and I love her like crazy. But I also have best friends that I've only known for like a year, and I care a lot for them and trust them completely. I love having friends and getting to know people better and growing closer and encouraging one another in our faith.

The one thing I really want to be able to do, especially as in the fall I'll be living in a dorm that has a lot of freedom for visitors, is make people feel like they're always welcome, and more than welcome, wanted, at my place. If you need to get away, if you want help, if you're in town and need a place to spend the night, if you just want to come see me and hangout and have fun then my door is always open. And if you ever need a ride or someone to talk/vent to or a shoulder to cry on at 2 a.m., I'll be there. Because I really think that people are the most important thing you can ever invest in. They're the only things that are going to last forever.

I have to say something about how I felt when I saw one of the best friends I've ever had come in the door and say "I'm here!!!" when I thought she was working at Water Country up in Virginia. I honestly thought I was not going to get to see her til August, if then. And then she leaves for Argentina for a year. Even though she accidentally texted me instead of her mom when she was on her way down, I thought there was no way she could make it. So when she came running in, I was completely shocked. She loves me enough to switch her schedule at work, convince her older brother to drive her down, spend four hours in a car one day and then another four hours the next morning and miss half of Mother's Day with her mom just to see me graduate and spend even a short amount of time with me before I'm gone for the whole summer. Now that's the kind of friend I want to be.

i will never drive you away

Earlier at Two Four we were supposed to be sitting and praying and basically asking God to convict us of anything in our lives that wasn't glorifying to him, though those weren't the words that were used. And as I was asking God and thinking through my life, I honestly couldn't think of anything. Disclaimer: by that I'm not trying to say that I never sin. Not at all! No, I mean that I couldn't think of any big, glaring area that bothers me and that I always try to put off and shove to the back of my mind because I don't want to deal with it but then looms ominously large in silent moments of reflection. Obviously everyday I'll do a million little things that I'll realize at some point weren't really honoring God with my life. And I can never ever manage to love God as I should. But when I looked at my life I didn't think, "oh, I have a problem with doing this to other people, or not listening to my parents, or not wanting to read the Bible." Nothing big or recurring or life-changing. I know I'm not saying this right, and I really don't want to sound self-righteous or holier-than-thou or like a perfect little Christian. So please don't think that. But then I thought about a couple years ago and how I never would have asked God to show me how I'm not glorifying him and then felt a peace in my heart like I did tonight. And then I thought...what if the rules I was following so rigidly blinded my eyes and my heart and kept me from really loving God and really honoring him? What if the regulations that kept me supposedly godly were what was holding me back from giving everything to him and glorifying him in everything? What if I was like the Pharisees, whose made-up laws kept them from the true God of the universe because he didn't fit their stereotype or follow their rules? That basically hit me like a brick wall. The very thing I thought would bring me closer to God kept me far away from him. And I truly, honestly believe that my wrong focus on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law was something that kept me from a better understanding of God and who he is, along with a lot of other things. Thank you Jesus for bringing these people into my life who introduced me - unknowingly - to the idea that it's not the rules you follow that shows Christ to the world. And that, really, it's the spirit of the law (aka what the law was meant to bring about in people's hearts and lives) than the letter of the law (aka the actual result of the law, such as driving at a specific rate or not damaging other people's property) that matters to God.

Something that really has been bothering me is gossip. I have quite a few friends who have in the past used to be best friends with someone, and then now have moved on because they're not necessarily as similar as they used to be. That's not a problem. What I have a problem with is when they'll speak derogatorily of that person and say a lot of things that may or may not be true about them. In the past I've tended to stay away from people who put others down a lot because if they'll talk about someone behind their back to me or when I'm around, what do they say about me when I'm not there? I don't know that I could handle having a friend like that - someone I couldn't trust. Anyway, so the past few weeks, I've heard friends talk badly about other people I consider to be my good friends too. And I haven't said anything. I don't know if it's necessarily appropriate for me to say "That's not true!" when I don't even know for positive sure whether it is or not, or for me to say, "Listen, you're gossiping about her. Stop it." Nope, that would be more like me saying, "I'm perfect, so I'm going to correct you, in public, and embarrass you about something you're doing wrong because I never do anything wrong so it's my job to call your attention to your sin." I guess I have to consider what would be an appropriate reaction to gossip because it really bothers me to hear some of my Christian friends running down their sisters in Christ behind their backs, and I'd really like for it to stop.

Tonight Jared Via said something in Two Four that really impacted me at the heart level. Well, it was mostly something the Bible said, but the way he read it aloud and emphasized it and talked about it just made me see it in terms of my life and that hit me really hard. He read a verse in John 6...I don't remember the verse or the specific wording, but it said something like, "Whoever comes to me I will never (and this was Jared's wording...) ever ever ever ever drive away." And I thought of my life. I thought of having friends who I've become close to, and then they've decided that they don't want me anymore so they've basically driven me away. Of knowing people who don't want to know me, so they've hurt me in attempts to drive me away. Of having best friends who have completely dumped me for no fault of my own. Of being rejected by person after person after person. And then I thought of Jesus. I thought of how when everyone rejected me, he still loved me. I thought about how he loved me before I was born, how he created me with joy and delights to sing over me, how he understands when I cry, how his arms are always open wide, how he loved me first, how he died for me...and I realized that I had never really thought about it before, but Jesus will never, no not ever, drive me away. And even if others try to take me away from him, no one can snatch me out of my Father's hand. I can love him with abandon and he will never think I'm strange for caring so much or not care for me as much as I care for him. I think I almost cried, sitting there amidst all my friends. Because I deeply realized that he will never ever ever ever drive me away. My love is secure in the heart of Christ.

to obey is better than sacrifice

So there's a person in my life...well, there are quite a few, but one in particular...who has been making me think a lot lately. I've grown up following a neverending list of rules because my parents required it and because I thought it glorified God. I don't regret it because following those rules has kept me safe and innocent on a lot of things I really don't want to know about or experience. But the one thing I do regret is that basing my life and my Christianity around all those rules has made me lose my passion and excitement for a life with Christ and instead see God as someone who is only pleased with those who are following the rules.

It seems like everywhere I turn in the Bible lately some variation of "obedience is better than sacrifice" shows up. Do you think God is trying to tell me something? I do. What I hear when I read those kinds of verses is that God is more pleased with those who truly love him and are trying to become more like him, even if they mess up, than those who follow the letter of the law and even make up some rules of their own, just to make sure they're doing the right thing. The Israelites would go to the temple and sacrifice the required amount and type of animal, following exactly what God told them, and then go out and live like he didn't exist until their next temple visit. To them prophets repeated over and over, "Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice..." The Pharisees were so obsessed with the laws of God that they invented more and more laws, and told the Jews that if they didn't follow them, they would be unclean. In fact, they were so completely into their own laws, that they told Jesus, the God who created them and the original rules, that he was unclean and a law-breaker. I can see Jesus having problems keeping a straight face.

Anyway, I have friends who don't necessarily follow all the rules my parents think of as requirements for a life of godliness, but I know absolutely that they are trying their hardest to become more like Christ and glorify him with their lives. I feel like I've always been kind of opposite. I follow every rule, Sunday school teachers and mothers love me, but is my faith my own? Or is my religion my rules and my rigid lifestyle? I want to do things for Jesus because I can't help myself but love him when I think about how awe-inspiring and powerful he is, and how much he loves me, and what he did for me by dying so I could have eternal life. Something I'm thinking more about now is thinking about the things I do and say not in terms of "am I allowed to do this?" but rather "would this glorify God?"

And then at Two Four we've been talking about being a follower rather than a fan. A fan was defined as being someone who is enthusiastic about someone or something but it doesn't really affect their life. I want to be excited about Christ, but I want him to affect my life so much that you can't look at me without seeing Jesus. I don't want to be excited about my faith for a couple years and then have the flame die down until I'm one of those people who goes to church every Sunday and has a doormat that says, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord," but doesn't really impact their world for God.

To obey is better than sacrifice...

so much to say

I had so much to say. Now I can't remember it. For some reason thoughts entangle my mind and beg to be unraveled on paper at the most inconvenient times. Like as I turn out the light to go to bed. Or when I'm riding in the car on the way back from Florida and have no computer or pen and paper. Or at 2 a.m. And the words come perfectly only when I'm at the point of exhaustion and it's all I can do to keep my eyes open when my bed is calling my name.

I know God taught me a lot this past weekend...past week? But for the life of me I cannot remember the specifics. All I remember is drinking coffee with good friends at 3 a.m. and laughing so hard I can't believe we didn't wake anyone else up. All I remember is dancing till my feet hurt and I had to take off my high heels, driving in the rain and eating raw cookie dough. All I remember is buying $3 shirts, making plans for the summer and holding a brand new puppy. All I remember is playing the piano, the feel of people's hands, innumerable hugs and too many goodbyes. That was my weekend.

And something Lauren said. It was late, we were lying in bed and the house was quiet. We were talking about how we wished we lived nearer to each other, and she said something about how in heaven she thinks we'll all live down the road from one another. Can you imagine how amazing heaven will be? I can't, but I like to pretend I can.

I really feel like God spoils me. Not at all in a bad way though. But he gives me everything I need to live and then he gives me way more! Friends and family and an amazing summer trip to Europe and on top of that, something I never expected. I get to go to Greece! My youth group is going to Greece on a mission trip this summer, and I wanted to go from the first moment I heard about it. But then my parents told me we were going to Europe, so I of course assumed Greece was out of the question. People sent me fundraiser letters, the deadlines passed, and plane tickets were bought. I thought even if I wanted to go to Greece, it wasn't possible. But I still felt like God was calling me to go to Greece. This really is a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to Greece at a time when most of my friends are also going and in the summer right before I leave home for college. And then I had a thought...what if I flew to Greece from England? Bought my own plane tickets separately, paid the price for the trip minus airfare and met the group there? So I looked into it. I asked my youth pastor, he checked with the IWC office, talked for hours with my parents, and every door opened wide. I can't believe God is letting me do this...that he wants me to do this! I thought England, France, Austria, Germany, Switzerland and Italy were more than enough. Now God is guiding me to Greece as well? He is so amazing! I don't deserve any of this! And one of the awesome things he did was he allowed my parents' hearts to be wide open to the possibility. Not once did my mom say anything about not wanting me to fly by myself across the continent, switch planes and deal with layovers, luggage, and meeting up with the group. Not once did my dad say, "You're already going to six other European countries. Now you want to go to Greece too?" No. They looked into flights with me and were excited about the possibility of going on a mission trip that could be more serious and more life-changing than the two I've gone on before that were closer to home. And I seriously cannot wait to see what God is going to do through me and everyone else who's going!

uncertainty

I really have no idea what I want to do with my life.

People keep asking me, and I don't have an answer to give them. That frustrates me more than I can say. Not necessarily because their "Oh." sounds kind of like they're saying, "Oh, loser, you're going to UNC-CH to get a degree in nothing?" but more because it frustrates me to know that my future is still oh-so-uncertain. And I hate uncertainty.

Until less than a year ago, I thought I had it all planned out. Editing and writing. That was my career choice, and had been since I was about 8 years old. Then I interned at a book publishing company, and though it was an incredible life experience, God definitely used that to say, "No, Lauren, you're not supposed to do that." Since then I've thought about doing lyric writing...then one day I was telling a friend I was interested in that and I just thought, "Really? No." I'm interested in it, but is God calling me to that? I don't think so. I've thought about photography, but I don't know if God has really gifted me in that. Something I've been thinking about the past couple months is majoring in psychology or something at Chapel Hill and then going to Southeastern to get my Master's in counseling. That would be a super-cool job because I love Jesus and I love people and helping people through rough spots in their lives with Jesus is something I would definitely glorify God with. I feel like exploring that more. I also feel like if I say anything like, "Oh, I might want to do that..." then later on I'll come back and think, "Why did I ever say I wanted to do that?" especially as I tend to change my mind. A lot. And then I'll make my decision finally and it'll be good. But it takes a lot of mind-changing and perusing and tears before I ever get to that point.

I know I'm not interested in anything math or science related. I like more artistic or English-y type things. Especially ones that allow you to relate with other people. So photography, writing, music, counseling...they're all kind of together. I know the area I will eventually go into, just not anything specific. Like, at all specific.

Ugh. I hate that I can't know the future. If I could, I'd fast-forward ten years and see what I'd be doing, and prepare for it! What job will I have? Where will I live? Will I be married? With kids? What will my husband do? Who will my friends be? If I knew these things, my life would be so much easier. But then again, nothing would ever be a surprise. And most of the time I like surprises.

I guess it's not a big rush to figure out my career path/major choice. I have until the end of sophomore year = 2 whole years. And maybe this whole Europe trip thing will be something that will help me figure myself out. My prayer for now is that God will show me what I need to know at the time that I need to know it.

just breathe

Life is moving so fast. I blink and another day is gone. Gone, never to return to me.

When you're looking forward to something, you want it to come now, now, now! While it's happening, you wish time could just slow down. But like that, it's over. Now all you have is memories. And those stay with you forever. I have so many things coming up that I know will be memories I'll cherish, and I want to be able to embrace those opportunities with open arms. I want to be one of those old people who have the best stories, the ones who hand out wise advice with their fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. The ones who don't have regrets. The ones who lived their lives for God and with abandon (i really like that phrase) and have taught their children, and their children's children to do the same. The ones who have made an impact on their worlds for the gospel. So, I want to live like that right now. I want to "make the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil."

I don't know what's down the road for me. I have my plans - my travels, my friends, my college, and so much more. But really, all that could change in a heartbeat. And honestly? Things won't go as I've planned. I know God well enough to know that he can...and will...move my life around until it's as he wants it. So for now I just breathe, knowing that with every breath, God gives me a chance to do something for him. And words cannot explain this deep, all-consuming devotion I have towards my God. He gave me life twice and continues to give it even after I stop breathing. He loves me in a way I'll never understand, and all I can do is try to love him in my weak and human way. Giving him my life was never a choice, it was the only option I've ever had. When I say, "I love Jesus," I realize that words are completely in vain as nothing can describe him and what I try to offer him. But, oh yes, I love my Jesus.

hypocrisy

I saw that a friend of mine has been getting a bunch of nasty questions/accusations on her formspring account, and it made me mad. This unknown person hid behind the walls of anonymity to shoot mean comments at a girl he or she didn't even know. From the way they wrote, they sounded like a girl about early highschool age, probably from our church. I really want to know why this person thought they could judge someone so harshly when I can guarantee you that they're nowhere near perfect. True, God wants us to be pure and holy. However, this does not justify the kind of caustic, biting remarks this person made about my friend, even if she had been messing up. For the record, I really respect my friend because she is more of a light for Jesus than a lot of people I know who follow a long list of rules under the impression that it makes other people able to see Christ in them. In fact, if this person really knew her at all, they would not be asking such questions because they would know that she loves Jesus more than anything else.

As a disclaimer for what I'm about to say, yes, I love the family of God and I'm very inspired and humbled by a lot of my fellow Christians. But...I hate the hypocrisy in the church. Not just RCCC, but the body of Christ as a whole. In America, that's what Christians are known for. And I hate it. The lies, the masks, the hidden deeds, the backstabbing, the total fakeness of some people. And they do it in the name of Christ. How can they? How can this person judge my friend when they are most likely less honoring to God with their life than my friend is? How can we allow Christ's name to be so dirtied in the minds of Americans? I think hypocrisy is the worst problem Christians deal with. And most don't even care.

in all i do, i honor you

Recently I've been thinking about my lifestyle being one of worship, and how that applies to the media I hear, watch, and read. I don't think it's necessary to listen to only Christian music, only watch movies with a Christian message and only read Christian books, but I do think that the messages portrayed should be good and uplifting. What triggered these thoughts was something that happened to me. Some friends and I went to the beach, and on the way home, we were listening to my iPod. I wasn't choosing the songs we were listening to, someone else was. But then they started playing a song that was definitely less clean than those I normally listen to. In fact, I don't think I'd ever really listened to that song on my iPod before. The only reason I had it on my iPod was because I'd gotten it for free from iTunes awhile ago. But nevertheless, it was on my iPod. And I was kind of...ashamed, I guess, to be associated with a song like that. If Jesus had been sitting in that car, that song would never have been played. So, I did a purge of my iTunes library. Actually, that's too strong of a word. That really was the only song on my iPod that I wouldn't listen to with Jesus there. But I went and deleted it and looked through all of my music to make sure it was all honoring to God.

I know a lot of Christians who listen to and love the song I just deleted from my iPod. It's a popular song, and it's really catchy. But the words are praising a lifestyle I would never live, and the girl who sings it is, frankly, kind of odd in an immoral way. And I know a lot of people wouldn't struggle at all listening to songs like that. I don't struggle, actually. But I feel that I would want God to be able to scroll through my list of songs and be pleased. Also, I want my life to be consistent for others - both my fellow Christians and those who don't know Jesus - to see.

You might read this and think, "wow, deleting one song? big deal." But to me, it is a big deal, because what I'm dealing with is my attitude towards Christ and my reputation with others, as I'm representing Jesus.

roller coaster ride

My life is ridiculous. It seems like just two weeks ago, my life was not at all like it is right now. One week ago, things were different. And just three days ago, I had no idea what I was going to do about parts of my life. And now I do.

So, after hitting a low, the roller coaster of my life is heading straight towards the sky.

I felt like I didn't know who my real friends were, if I even had any at all. Now? God's definitely making that clear. He's also giving me opportunities to get to know old friends better and make new friends with awesome people.

I felt like I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life...as in career choice and college major. Now? I still don't know, but I'm okay with being uncertain and trusting God to bring it to me at the right time.

I felt like my future was so uncertain. I had no idea which college I was going to, where I would live, which car I would drive...so many things, but those were the main ones. Now? I'm going to UNC Chapel Hill. I am absolutely convinced that's where God wants me. For now, at least. Today I went and visited a housing option that seems pretty much perfect for me. And the car situation? Wow. I never in a million years would have imagined the solution God came up with. But that's why He's God, and I'm not. Juuuust saying. :)

It's so weird how God has changed my heart completely this year. For example, the apartment complex/dorm/I don't know what to call it that I visited today? In November...ish I got some kind of a postcard advertising it and threw it in the garbage can, thinking that I wanted to live on-campus and that definitely wasn't an option. I'll bet God was laughing. Do you think God laughs at us sometimes? I do. I think to him we're almost like cute little kids who don't know exactly what to do and sometimes will unwittingly say or do things that older, wiser people know to be wrong but are so adorable they can't help but laugh.

And now I'm smiling because I asked God around two weeks ago to show himself to me. Not really to prove to me that he's real, because I knew that already. But to show me that he's there and he cares about me and loves me and works in my life. And I can't think of any other way he could show himself to me than what he already did.

In other news, I got a twitter the other day! @lekostenberger. I really like it so far. This weekend, if her baby sister doesn't get everyone sick, one of my best friends ever is coming down with her family to spend the weekend with me! Her big brother and his fiancee are also staying with us one night because he is going to be a student at SEBTS in the fall, which is really exciting. I'm hanging out with a few different people both this week and next. I have prom in Florida in a few weeks. And those are just a few things I'm excited about. :)

And I forgot to write about what happened to me like two-ish weeks ago...which was that I lost my car keys Sunday afternoon. I was really freaking out about it because I looked in every possible place about fifteen times and they just weren't there. My friend Hannah, who I was with, walked around with me for like half an hour in the rain looking for them and then drove me to the church and let me borrow her phone to call my parents like 5 times when they didn't answer their phones the first 4 times. I have no idea what I would've done if it weren't for her. I guess losing the keys really wasn't a big deal because it would be easy to replace them, but I hate hate hate losing things and feeling irresponsible. Anyway, that Wednesday morning my dad called me from his work and told me that someone from Wake Forest Baptist Church had found them and turned them in to the church office. At that point I had pretty much given up because if I hadn't found them three days after I'd lost them, and no one had turned them in to the police, the likelihood of anyone finding them or turning them in was practically zero. But someone had! Thank you Jesus for that person. What I kept thinking the whole time I was searching and praying and checking with different places was that God knew exactly where my keys were. If someone had picked them up, if they had fallen in a crack, if I had them still but didn't know where...God could see them at that moment. Wow. This is the God I worship.

All of that to say - my life is completely in God's hands right now and it's never been better. I don't know if these trials I've been going through have gotten easier all of a sudden or if I've learned to deal with them better and learn for the future. I think I'm understanding God a little better every day now, and I think that's kind of what heaven is going to be like. Learning something new about God every single day, and yet it never ends. Never. Because there's always something new and incredible to learn about God. So what I'm going through now is kind of a warped and broken heaven on earth. It doesn't make a lot of sense...but then, God doesn't make a lot of sense to most people either.

Right now I'm feeling super thankful for all the incredible people God has put in my life. How do I deserve to know all these people who love Jesus so ridiculously much?

I'm writing too much. I do that. Buttt I love it.

what i was trying to say

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -C. S. Lewis

How can someone who died thirty years before I was born perfectly express the feeling of what I was trying to say last night?

with my whole heart

I don't know what it was, but today something made me realize that I am not living with my whole heart. I've heard people say that scientists tell us we only use a small percentage of our brains. That may or may not be true, but I know that in everything I do, I've only been using a small percentage of my heart. I don't really know how to explain it, but I know that when I worship God, when I laugh with friends, when I sing in the car, when I serve others, when I love someone - I hold back. And what I'm holding back is not just a little bit, but a lot of my heart. I keep it to myself, holding it close so I don't get hurt. And honestly? It hasn't saved me much. True, I did not feel as heartbroken when people ignored me and hurt me and used me...but it wasn't much less. And the amount of what happy moments and situations God could have used me in was overwhelming.

A friend today asked me why I thought it was that I am so quiet and introverted. I told her, basically, that I'd gone through a long lonely period in my life and also had been hurt so many times that...well, I didn't really say it, but I don't trust people. They can hurt you, plunge the knife in and twist it and twist it and then walk away. I have experienced rejection, loss and broken trust in almost every form possible and the things people have done to me in the past are forcing me to reject not just them, but everyone else who tries to be a part of my life in any way. I hold back because I'm afraid of hurting, but hurt comes anyway, and the holding back is what ruins what good things that could come.

I don't love God as I could and as I should, I don't love people as I could and as I should, and I don't give everything to my God or to my friends.

I think what it really comes down to is do I trust God enough to live with abandon and recklessly open my heart to whatever he sees fit to let come in? And why would I not trust him? The question I keep asking myself is why would I hold back my heart from my God?

I want to live with all of my heart.

i know you're there

This week God has shown himself to me in an incredible way. A few days ago, I had reached a low in my life and I asked God why he had never answered one of my prayers. The next day (the very next day!) God tapped me on the shoulder and handed me what I had been asking for, kind of, for many years. And he worked through a person. I don't really want to be more specific than that, but God definitely used this person in an incredible way to show me that he is there and he listens when I pray to him.

i always knew that my life would change

Tonight it hit me that I have only two more months of the life that I know now. Then everything is going to change. All summer I'll be in countries I don't know, sometimes with people speaking languages I've never heard, seeing incredible sights and learning new things. After that, I have three weeks of shopping, packing and preparing for college. And then I'm gone. Though I'll probably be back for a weekend or two occasionally, breaks, and part of the summer, the lifestyle I live right now will never be something I'll have again. Some of my friends will be away at college. Some will be right here studying at Wake Tech, and some will still be in high school. But while I'm gone for large periods of time, their lives will change and I won't be here to see it happen, so we'll grow apart. It will happen. My siblings will grow up in different ways, and I'll just have to notice it when I'm home for a visit. And no longer will I have my parents to blame if something in my life goes wrong. No, everything rests on my shoulders.

I've been looking forward to this for years, but now that it's about to happen, I'm nervous beyond belief. Why?

Two more months till everything changes.

to be content

Occasionally, I'll have an amazing day and think that I have everything I'll ever need, and then I'll see something someone has that I want, and it makes me discontent. When I say something someone has that I want, it's not normally a material thing. No, instead I see that someone has an incredible relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend, popularity, good friends, beauty, freedom, decisiveness, a great personality...and I won't be as happy because they have something that I don't.


Sometimes it's hard to be content, even though I know I have it better than a large percentage of the world's population.

i've got sunshine on a cloudy day

Today I feel deeply happy in a way that makes me want to do something unusual and dance around the room or roll down the car windows and sing for everyone on the road to hear. I know that God loves me, and I want to share that with everyone. This joy that I have because I know Christ is something not everyone has and I want them to know that they can have it too!

a true friend

Lately I've been thinking a lot about friends and what makes someone a true friend. Of course the standard answer goes something like, "is always there for you, walks in when the rest of the world walks out, loves you unconditionally and knows you better than you know yourself." That definition is great, but honestly? No one lives up to it. I mean, I may have just had incredibly bad luck in friendships but I've never had a friend who has always been there for me. At one time or another, I've been in a situation where I really needed someone and they let me down.

The friend who has come the closest to always being there for me and understanding me the best is my friend Grace. Our friendship is kind of weird if I think about it. Of the 8 or so years we've been friends, we've only lived in the same state for maybe 3 of those years. We've kept in touch through email, facebook, texting and phone calls ever since Grace moved to Virginia around 3 years ago. You could say that Grace isn't ever really there for me because she lives 3 hours away, but one phone call from her is often more encouraging to me than spending hours with some of my good friends here. Grace doesn't ever make me feel like I messed up, like I just did something stupid and now she'll look at me differently. I can completely let myself go and she won't make me feel like I made a fool of myself. She's the only friend I have who really truly knows who I am, because I hold back - probably too much - with others. Though we have practically all of the same views regarding our beliefs, we are definitely individuals in the choices we make in our lives, which couldn't be more different. And Grace likes me...I know she does, because she'll make time to visit me, or call me, or at the least send me a text saying she's too busy/sick/overwhelmed with schoolwork to call, but she thought about me and she's praying for me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't really have friends - like the people I hang out with could care less whether I'm there or not, like I just tag along with them because they don't want to be mean and say, "Look, no one really likes you that much anyway. Go find a new group of friends." But even that is better than having no one, so I try to think that everything's okay...and maybe it is, maybe it's something I'm just imagining. But even I can't ignore the fact that I don't have much to say most of the time. And when I do say something, it's nothing spectacular. A friend of mine said once that he thinks I have so much bottled up inside me that one day it'll all burst out...and that he won't be surprised if one day I suddenly and loudly burst into song. I laughed because the way he said it was funny, but the truth is that I do have a lot bottled up inside me that I never say. I guess part of the reason why is that I don't completely trust people anymore. I've had two best friends dump me - one without warning and taking with her every other friend I had in elementary school, one who had drifted strangely away from me and then suddenly dumped me within the past year or so. The way they acted towards me had a lot to do with me losing faith in friends. How do I know when I open my heart to someone they won't stab me while the armor is off? And the answer is that I don't know. I'll never know. So I simply don't let anyone close. Is this the right thing to do? I don't know. That's something I'm still thinking through.

I guess it's true that I can't control what other people do. The only thing that I can do is be a true friend myself and hope someone cares and wants a friend like me.

Reading back through this, I've been really negative about most of my friendships. Probably I've been too negative. In the light of a new day, I'll probably recognize that I do have many friends who care about me and that I didn't remember them. And these friends who I don't think care about me...maybe they do and I'm just too blind to see it, or too caught up in those friendships that failed. But these are just my observations on a Friday night when I'm home sick, missing several things I could've gone to tonight. :)