love, love, love

So the other day I was riding on a crowded bus on the way from Venice to the hotel. It was crammed with people and I was trying to stand up and hold on to the bar as it jerked its way from stop to stop. An Italian guy got on and from the back he really looked a lot like someone I know, and yeah, definitely thought something of. And it was like bam! I realized something. I don't know if I really truly think that or if that's something spur of the moment that later I'll reject, but I felt like for the moment I'd wanted love so much I was willing to settle for something less - way less - than what God has to give me. And in that moment I thought, "Lauren, what the heck were you thinking to think that could be love?" I feel like right now I am totally clueless as to what real, true love looks like...but God is teaching me. I think I wrote something on here before about how I'm memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. I have the first part of it down now, the part about how you can have incredible knowledge and do great things, but if you don't have love, you gain nothing. And now I'm starting to memorize the part everyone knows. You know, the part that goes, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..." and that's as far as I know for sure. It's really convicting me. I say I love people, I tell them, "I love you," with my words but with my actions? Am I really patient, kind, not envious, not boasting, not proud? I fail so much. I feel like I cannot truthfully say "I love you" when I can't live it out. But I guess saying "I love you" is more of a "I have feelings of love towards you and not only am I going to tell you that, I'm going to try to live it out."

I not only want to try to love my friends and family like that, I want to try to love strangers, and the people I'm serving in Greece like that. I want to love my roommate and suitemates at UNC like that. I want to love the people in my classes, the people I bump into in the hallways, the people I stand in line in the cafeteria with like that.

Oh, and what's going on in my life? I'm in France right now, in a hotel only about two miles from the border between France and Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be in Geneva, aka John Calvin/other early church fathers and Swiss chocolate land. The past two or three days we've spent in Italy. I love Italy. It's probably my new favorite country. I loved the mountains and then the flat, green land with the perfectly planted trees and the pointed, tall, dark ones, the water that was so clear and deeply blue-green. And Venice was definitely one of my favorite places I've been in my life. I loved all the canals and bridges and boats everywhere. And the architecture on every building was so detailed and unique! I couldn't live there because of the incredible amounts of tourists - it's really a very touristy place - but visiting there was incredible. I want to go back someday. And the stuff there was really well priced so I spent probably more than I should have. :) But you can get Italian leather shoes for really cheap if you look hard enough, and pretty Venetian glass earrings, and silk scarves, and hoodies for 20 euros as compared to 40 in other places. And then Milan! We stopped at the designer outlets and I bought some sunglasses and a necklace because I couldn't afford anything else. Even at like 70% off the normal price. But Italy - the weather, the scenery, the places, everything! - is so beautiful. I love it so much. Right now we're taking a long, leisurely time to get to Paris, where we're spending a few days to conclude our European tour. Well, not really a tour. Mostly my dad lecturing and visiting family. Only Venice has been real sightseeing vacationy stuff. But I'm really so happy that that's the way our Europe trip has turned out to be.

Oh, and something else I've been thinking about that is kind of related to the idea of love. I don't tell people that I love them, or that I miss them, or how incredibly blessed I am by their friendship. I hardly even show it. I think it a lot, but saying it is something I just now realized that I honestly don't do enough of. Do my friends even realize that I am so glad they're my friends? That they affect my life more than they could ever know? That God has used them in incredible ways to change me and grow me? That I am so grateful to love and be loved by them? When have I told them that? Try never. Why don't I tell them that?

i remembered!

So I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and the one thing I really liked that he said was to put your name in the place of "love" in 1 Corinthians 13. For example, "Lauren is patient, Lauren is kind..." Just saying that makes me feel incredibly guilty because I am not, have not been even today, either patient or kind in what I've done.

And something God told me was that I want love so much but I don't even know what it is and I can't even manage to properly love others myself. So I decided that I'm going to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 and try to put it into practice in my daily life.

And something else...I decided that whatever I major in, whatever career I end up in, it will have to do with people. Something I think is that people are the most important things to invest in because they're the only things that will last forever. So I'm thinking of a major in sociology, psychology, something like that. But that's totally tentative. All I know is that God is definitely calling me to a career in investing in people.

surprise!

If there's one thing I've learned from traveling all my life, and especially this summer, is to expect to never ever get what you're expecting. That is so true in my life with everything going on right now.

Right now I'm sitting in a McDonalds in downtown Vienna that offers free wi-fi. And they're playing "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne on the radio. Oh my goodness, total elementary school flashback. They play incredibly old American popular songs on the radios here. Oh, and speaking of surprises and the unexpected, I love European McDonalds! This is so unlike me because I hate McDonalds in the U.S. Not really hate...but I can never eat there because like everything has meat in it and their salads are awful. But in Europe, McDonalds sells veggie burgers. And they have delicious salads. And they sell donuts and brownies and other random good stuff that would not be fast food in the States. And french fries..oh my gosh, how I miss familiar, normal American food! So eating french fries is amazing.

So I didn't like Germany because the houses reminded me of that book "Brave New World" which was kind of creepy...but I was only there for two days. And it wasn't a final, I hate Germany, opinion. Just a quick passing thought. But I love Austria! Salzburg was pretty but I also love Vienna. I'm learning an incredible amount of German. I can basically get around Austria with my basic German and I can understand most of what people say to me.

And then I didn't expect to be sick in Salzburg, in pain my first day in Vienna, and get soaked one evening while running around Salzburg. Traveling is crazy and sickness just makes it more stressful.

But I love it so much. The pros so far outweigh the cons.

I had a lot more to say but I can't remember it anymore now that I actually have internet access. Plus I need to go back to the hotel and go to bed. Shopping tomorrow afternoon in Vienna! I'm so excited. Gute nacht, meine freundins. Bis morgen!

castles and mean girls

Today I went with my family to see a castle called Arundel Castle. It was incredible and awe-inspiring. I love castles. I walked into one room that was like a chapel inside the castle, and I looked up at the soaring ceiling and the stained-glass windows and it took my breath away. It was like the artists were trying to describe God with carved stone and colored glass, and they hinted at the amazing majesty he possesses. But then I looked down and I saw the rows of seats and I felt sad. Because there were three distinct types of seats - the ones in the front were very elaborate and covered in red velvet. Then there were in between seats, and farther back, plain wooden pews. And I immediately thought of...James, is it? where he talks about favoritism and not saying to the rich man, "sit here, in the best seat," and telling the poor man to sit on a stool at the far end. So many thoughts entered my mind after that. I can't type them all up.

And do you know what the English think of when they think of Americans? Mean Girls. Like the movie. They literally think all Americans are like that movie. Oh my gosh. I asked my cousins what they and people they know think of Americans and they said, "Mean Girls. Or they're all obese and at McDonald's 24-7 or if they're not they're anorexic. And they all have blonde hair and are really tan." I must have been a disappointment as I'm none of those things! But isn't that ridiculous...and kind of sad too...that that's the movie that defines us as a country? I really hope we're not literally those type of people! I think there's a lot of truth in Mean Girls, but I think they made it in an exaggerated way so as to not seriously offend, but hit home their point. So I don't think it was meant to portray Americans in a realistic manner.

I have so many stories already, and I haven't left England yet! I can't wait for the next few weeks. Tomorrow we take a train to Paris, and then drive. On the right side of the road, thank goodness. But soon I will drive on the wrong side of the road. It's a life goal of mine, haha. But tonight we're off to the Shimoyamas' for dinner. So please pray for whatever God wants to happen with these sweet and welcoming relatives to happen. And also pray for safe travel and not too much culture shock as we'll be in countries of different languages!

p.s.

P.S. They really do say "jolly good," it's not just a movie thing. Or a "film" thing as they say. And my second cousins are teaching me to speak British. And they have some hilarious misconceptions of Americans. Some that aren't quite appropriate for the web...but so funny. Everything is so small. And everyone is so friendly. The scenery is gorgeous - rolling hills and flowers and green, green, green everywhere. And old buildings and cottages and every house has a name...I saw one today called "the White House." I had to take a picture with it. Alisa and Elly laughed at me for being touristy and when the owner came out from his backyard he laughed when they told him I was an American and said, "Welcome!" And when my dad was trying to find his way on a roundabout while driving today, a guy on a motorcycle looked over and shook his head in a "Really? Learn to drive!" but in a nice way. I had to laugh. And I've drunk so much tea since I got here, most likely because I needed the caffeine. Did you know British people are just as fascinated with American accents as Americans are with British ones? Because they are. Not just from Elly and Alisa's reactions. They told me they and their friends are always trying to imitate American accents. It's hilarious. And hearing Tomio try to be a cool yet southern yet gangster yet preppy girl American is the funniest of all. If my camera weren't dead, I'd get a video of it. And I can't charge it because the power adapter my dad bought blew up my hair straightener. With a buzz and a horrid smell and an explosive pop! So next on the shopping list = new hair straightener plus suing Radio Shack for false advertising. "Works in every country!" If blowing up appliances is working, then they're right.

my life as a sleep-deprived world traveler

So facebook won't let me log in for another hour because I'm signing in from a different country and I failed to identify a certain number of friends tagged in pictures when one was a picture of a guy on a TV screen not even a legit picture of them? Anyway, so I thought I'd write a little on here. The flight to London was eight hours long. Eight hours. It was overnight, but the "night" was only about three hours long because we lost six hours. The sun set, then three hours later, it rose again. So crazy. And sleeping in airplanes? I just cannot do that for some reason. Maybe if the flight or the night was longer...but it wasn't. So I basically pulled an all nighter. And I've never done that before - stayed up all night long and then the next day too. It's killing me. I feel like I'm still asleep but I'm walking. It's like I'm in a dream. And not only is it a terrible idea to take a nap in the middle of the day cause it would completely ruin any chance of getting over jet lag, but I've been doing stuff. All day. We arrived and got our luggage and drove off on the wrong side of the road. It wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be. Then we stopped at a gas station because people were starving from the airplane breakfast they didn't eat and squashed by all the suitcases in the tiny European van - which incidentally my English relatives think is "huge!" Everything is different here. The brand names and the designs and everything. But really it almost felt at some point like coming home. I don't know why. And then we arrived at my great-uncle and aunt's house. We call them Uncle Chris and Aunt Carol. And I LOVE the British sense of humor. I love it so much. Because my Aunt Carol is very witty and she makes me laugh. First we talked with them for awhile. Then I changed because I felt disgusting. And then my mom's cousin Priscilla, her husband Takao, and their children, who are my second cousins and the closest thing I have to cousins, came for lunch. We were a bit shy at first because we really don't know each other. But then we went for a walk and talked for literally hours and had tea inside a church and picked bluebells and discussed differences between the English and Americans and made fun of each other's accents, and now we're basically new best friends. And even though I feel like I'm dying, practically for real, because I am so incredibly sleep deprived, I talked with them for pretty much an hour about Jesus. Please pray for them. Eleanor and Alissa are their names. Their hearts are so sweet and tender and they're confused about science and religion and faith and Christianity. I feel like they want to believe but there's nothing to tip them over the edge about trusting God rather than trusting science. They are so open and they even agree with a lot of the things that I say, and I think something I said hit a nerve with Elly because she stood there and was thinking and really seemed to care when I told her that my faith in Christ was something I could stake my life on and that I believed and trusted him so deep to the core of myself that I'd bet anything against him. She says she sees the case for both sides and just doesn't know and is unsure. And I told her I was sure and it was so great to have something in this shaky world that is never going to change and someone who I can always rely on. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I think she thought that she wanted that. Alissa was different, and I have the feeling that it will be different things that make them want to trust God if ever he chooses to make them His. I am just praying that God will use me and that even if it's not me leading them to Christ, that I make them think about him, that I make them unable to rest till they find hope in him.

It's 6:30 p.m. and I could sleep for twenty hours. ugh.

i am blessed beyond measure

I've always heard people say some variation of that. "Oh, bless your heart." "You're blessed with a pretty smile." "We've been blessed with good health." It's a phrase of Christianese that a lot of middle aged women overuse to the point of it not meaning anything anymore. So I tend to not use it. But sometimes it's the only word to really describe what's happening in my life. I look around and I'm so amazed at what God has given me! "My cup overflows."

I know high school seniors dream of graduating from high school and then taking a trip around Europe. And what am I doing this summer? I literally get a dream graduation trip. And then I get to go to Greece and tell people about Jesus. And then I get to go back and see my friend Lauren in Cambridge. And then I get to live in England for another month on top of that. God, are you serious? I didn't ask for these things. I didn't even dream of asking for these things. But you gave them to me and I can't contain my joy.

And then my life here in the States is so good that it's hard for me to leave. I have so many good friends and a wonderful church that I can truly enjoy serving and worshiping with. The other day I remembered my life four years ago. I was so lonely and though I loved Jesus and I knew he was enough for me, I had lost faith in Christians showing his love and being faithful friends. So, at this time four years ago, I can remember crying out to God and asking him for just one good friend. Only one. I look at my life now and I laugh at how little I asked God for. One? He's given me dozens and dozens and dozens since then! I have old friends and new friends, of all ages and personalities and I value each one individually. They all make me smile.

I don't say these things to boast in anything at all. These things were completely God's doing. My God is greater than my puny opinion of his power and can do anything. And this is evidenced by what he's done in my life. He's done more than I ever asked or imagined. I feel like I'm plagiarizing from a Bible verse when I say that. But it's so true. A lot of the things he's done or people he's brought into my life I never would have dreamed would become reality. Really, God? I can't believe the way he surprises and comes up with things better than I could have thought of. This is why my life is in his hands. Because he can do better things with it than I ever could.

expect the unexpected

I recently read a blog a friend of mine wrote about how your plans are not always God's plans, and he works things out in a way we never would have expected. He said it better, you can read it at http://romansfiveeight.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-plan-to-abandon-my-plan.html. But he basically described my life and the way I've seen God work the past few years especially. And it got me thinking.

If my life and the way God orchestrates it is completely unlike anything I ever expected, what about love? I have my own thoughts on what love is and how I'll feel about that person when he comes into my life. But what reason has God given me to believe that it's really truly what love is? Nothing he's ever done in my life has been expected or normal. So falling in love? That's going to be the hardest thing to figure out. I have the feeling the guy I marry is going to be nothing like I expect him to be.

I've been in what I thought was love before. And it felt like I expected and hoped for. But eventually I realized that this wasn't what God had for me. So now I'm trying to figure out what that is!

Something I struggle with is not really knowing guys who I would even consider going out with. A seminary student named Erin who spoke to the girls at Girl Talk described sixteen-year-old boys as "sitting around in their boxers playing xbox," which basically describes most of the guys I know. Not all of them. I know maybe two or three who actually love Jesus, are striving for godliness and have their lives headed towards a goal. But the overwhelming majority either do nothing or do things that don't matter. And they don't care about what God thinks about their lives. And then I know a lot of guys who are interested in dating just to date. They want a girl who'll make them feel good about themselves and make them look good to everyone around them. I'm not going to be that kind of girl for a guy like that. I'm interested in a relationship that glorifies God, in which we encourage each other to do great things for Him.

friendship and the future

How can I even begin to describe my weekend? My life is crazy and busy and such a mess, but I love it. And I'm a graduate! Everything just feels so unreal to me right now.

You know that feeling when you wonder whether anyone really likes you for you? I wonder that sometimes, and I know I will in the future, but one of my favorite parts of graduating was that I got a bunch of cards from my friends AND my family made me a memory book with pages from all of them. And they wrote nice things to and about me, and I could tell they were not just made up because you have to write something nice inside a card. Some of the cards really made me smile. I know I'll be keeping them for awhile.

Some of my friends are graduating and going off to college, and it seems to me like their attitude is, "Oh, it was great to be friends with you during high school, but college is a whole new playing field." They think they'll go off and make new friends and easily forget those they left behind. This may just be me, but I'm different. When I become friends with someone, I'm investing in the relationship because I want it to last, not because it'll satisfy my need of friendship for a season and then I'll move on and have other friends. I know that for at least a few of my friendships, they're never going to end. We may move to faraway places and get married and change as we grow up, but we'll always be friends in some way. I mean, what else are things like Facebook and Skype and Twitter for? And at my graduation party, I looked around and felt so incredibly blessed. We had a bunch of round tables set up for people to sit and eat at, and though we kept pulling chairs up to my table and fitting in as many people as possible, I couldn't even fit all of my close friends around one table. To say I'm incredibly blessed sounds too weak. To say I have amazing friends doesn't quite make it. To say God is doing awesome things in my life....words just cannot describe the workings of a loving and omniscient God.

I have this thing about including everyone because I know what it feels like to be left out. People have intentionally excluded me and simply forgotten about me before and I remember how worthless it makes you feel. I never want to make anyone feel like that. So something I really want to do is make everyone feel welcome to join in with whatever. I think that not only does it make other people feel good to be included and loved, but it's also a good witness to unbelievers because it shows that Christians are not playing favorites or backstabbing their brothers or sisters in Christ. It's also kind of acting out the part of Christ on this earth. Jesus wants everyone to come to him. So should we.

I also have this thing about not calling one person my best friend. I think sometimes it tends to sound like "She's my best friend, so that slot's filled. I'm not looking for another best friend. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to settle for second best because we'll never be as close as she and I are." So I'll say, "she's one of my best friends" because I always have more than one and I'm always looking for more. And I don't really judge how close our friendship is by how long I've known someone. I do have a best friend who I've known basically since third grade. Her family is like the extended family I've never had. We know each other inside and out and I love her like crazy. But I also have best friends that I've only known for like a year, and I care a lot for them and trust them completely. I love having friends and getting to know people better and growing closer and encouraging one another in our faith.

The one thing I really want to be able to do, especially as in the fall I'll be living in a dorm that has a lot of freedom for visitors, is make people feel like they're always welcome, and more than welcome, wanted, at my place. If you need to get away, if you want help, if you're in town and need a place to spend the night, if you just want to come see me and hangout and have fun then my door is always open. And if you ever need a ride or someone to talk/vent to or a shoulder to cry on at 2 a.m., I'll be there. Because I really think that people are the most important thing you can ever invest in. They're the only things that are going to last forever.

I have to say something about how I felt when I saw one of the best friends I've ever had come in the door and say "I'm here!!!" when I thought she was working at Water Country up in Virginia. I honestly thought I was not going to get to see her til August, if then. And then she leaves for Argentina for a year. Even though she accidentally texted me instead of her mom when she was on her way down, I thought there was no way she could make it. So when she came running in, I was completely shocked. She loves me enough to switch her schedule at work, convince her older brother to drive her down, spend four hours in a car one day and then another four hours the next morning and miss half of Mother's Day with her mom just to see me graduate and spend even a short amount of time with me before I'm gone for the whole summer. Now that's the kind of friend I want to be.

i will never drive you away

Earlier at Two Four we were supposed to be sitting and praying and basically asking God to convict us of anything in our lives that wasn't glorifying to him, though those weren't the words that were used. And as I was asking God and thinking through my life, I honestly couldn't think of anything. Disclaimer: by that I'm not trying to say that I never sin. Not at all! No, I mean that I couldn't think of any big, glaring area that bothers me and that I always try to put off and shove to the back of my mind because I don't want to deal with it but then looms ominously large in silent moments of reflection. Obviously everyday I'll do a million little things that I'll realize at some point weren't really honoring God with my life. And I can never ever manage to love God as I should. But when I looked at my life I didn't think, "oh, I have a problem with doing this to other people, or not listening to my parents, or not wanting to read the Bible." Nothing big or recurring or life-changing. I know I'm not saying this right, and I really don't want to sound self-righteous or holier-than-thou or like a perfect little Christian. So please don't think that. But then I thought about a couple years ago and how I never would have asked God to show me how I'm not glorifying him and then felt a peace in my heart like I did tonight. And then I thought...what if the rules I was following so rigidly blinded my eyes and my heart and kept me from really loving God and really honoring him? What if the regulations that kept me supposedly godly were what was holding me back from giving everything to him and glorifying him in everything? What if I was like the Pharisees, whose made-up laws kept them from the true God of the universe because he didn't fit their stereotype or follow their rules? That basically hit me like a brick wall. The very thing I thought would bring me closer to God kept me far away from him. And I truly, honestly believe that my wrong focus on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law was something that kept me from a better understanding of God and who he is, along with a lot of other things. Thank you Jesus for bringing these people into my life who introduced me - unknowingly - to the idea that it's not the rules you follow that shows Christ to the world. And that, really, it's the spirit of the law (aka what the law was meant to bring about in people's hearts and lives) than the letter of the law (aka the actual result of the law, such as driving at a specific rate or not damaging other people's property) that matters to God.

Something that really has been bothering me is gossip. I have quite a few friends who have in the past used to be best friends with someone, and then now have moved on because they're not necessarily as similar as they used to be. That's not a problem. What I have a problem with is when they'll speak derogatorily of that person and say a lot of things that may or may not be true about them. In the past I've tended to stay away from people who put others down a lot because if they'll talk about someone behind their back to me or when I'm around, what do they say about me when I'm not there? I don't know that I could handle having a friend like that - someone I couldn't trust. Anyway, so the past few weeks, I've heard friends talk badly about other people I consider to be my good friends too. And I haven't said anything. I don't know if it's necessarily appropriate for me to say "That's not true!" when I don't even know for positive sure whether it is or not, or for me to say, "Listen, you're gossiping about her. Stop it." Nope, that would be more like me saying, "I'm perfect, so I'm going to correct you, in public, and embarrass you about something you're doing wrong because I never do anything wrong so it's my job to call your attention to your sin." I guess I have to consider what would be an appropriate reaction to gossip because it really bothers me to hear some of my Christian friends running down their sisters in Christ behind their backs, and I'd really like for it to stop.

Tonight Jared Via said something in Two Four that really impacted me at the heart level. Well, it was mostly something the Bible said, but the way he read it aloud and emphasized it and talked about it just made me see it in terms of my life and that hit me really hard. He read a verse in John 6...I don't remember the verse or the specific wording, but it said something like, "Whoever comes to me I will never (and this was Jared's wording...) ever ever ever ever drive away." And I thought of my life. I thought of having friends who I've become close to, and then they've decided that they don't want me anymore so they've basically driven me away. Of knowing people who don't want to know me, so they've hurt me in attempts to drive me away. Of having best friends who have completely dumped me for no fault of my own. Of being rejected by person after person after person. And then I thought of Jesus. I thought of how when everyone rejected me, he still loved me. I thought about how he loved me before I was born, how he created me with joy and delights to sing over me, how he understands when I cry, how his arms are always open wide, how he loved me first, how he died for me...and I realized that I had never really thought about it before, but Jesus will never, no not ever, drive me away. And even if others try to take me away from him, no one can snatch me out of my Father's hand. I can love him with abandon and he will never think I'm strange for caring so much or not care for me as much as I care for him. I think I almost cried, sitting there amidst all my friends. Because I deeply realized that he will never ever ever ever drive me away. My love is secure in the heart of Christ.