he hears me

Tonight God showed me again how much he loves me, how he hears me, how he knows me and hurts for me. On Wednesday nights at my church, we start off with half an hour of prayer, individually and then in groups. Someone talks for ten minutes about a Psalm - we started with Psalm 1 and are going through the whole book - and then we have individual prayer. Tonight the psalm spoke to me because it seems like God is using David to say, "You're not alone. I went through this, and God was here with me." It was like God was speaking directly to my heart, saying, "Lauren, I love you. I hurt for you when you're hurting."

The psalm was Psalm 13. It says,

"How long, O Lord ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

For the past several months, I haven't been able to sleep at night because of all these thoughts overtaking me. I've always been the kind of girl who needs to have everything planned out in advance, so not knowing what my future will be is something that brings me great anxiety. As well, I've been struggling with being discouraged. Often it seems like when one thing is resolved, another thing comes up to worry me.

So when David says, "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" I can empathize with him. Wrestling with thoughts...it's a perfect metaphor for the kind of rushed, crazy thoughts I have as I wait for sleep to come. I push them away, but they scream raucously for my attention, coming upon me again and again. One moment I'm on top of them and I am trusting God, but the next moment I fall and I'm disheartened once again. Satan is "overcoming me," and I'm too exhausted to care. But no matter how tired I am, I can't fall asleep. So these thoughts come on me again. It's like a vicious cycle.

But those last two verses were like balm for my weary soul, just a sip of hope so I can get through. "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." How amazing it is that he loves me. And it says right there that his love for me is unfailing. No matter how many times I fail and I fall, my God is always going to love me. When I feel discouraged, I can remember that, and my heart can rejoice in his salvation, the fact that his unfailing love for me was what caused him to send his son so that I can have everlasting life with him. Often I don't feel like singing to the Lord, or letting my heart rejoice, but that last line is so true. He has been good to me. When it feels like I'm going through a valley, I can remember all the wonderful things he has done for me, and it comforts me.

Right now my heart is rejoicing in his salvation, and I am singing to the Lord because he has been good to me, but I know I won't always be so sure, so confident. But I know that I can trust him because of his unfailing love for me.

That's all for now -

Lauren