late night insecurities

Everyone has issues with insecurity and problems with friends...so they say. But so often I feel alone, like no one else deals with the sometimes insurmountable obstacles that I consider to be part of normal life. I'll admit it, I'm one to invent problems that don't exist and imagine enemies out of people who like me the same way they always did. So most of the time it's not other people's faults. It's all mine. And so when I'm stressed out about relationships gone awry, I try to take a step back and laugh at myself, because in all likelihood, tomorrow will show that there's nothing to worry about.

Lately I've been trying to take more responsibility, I guess you'd say, for some of my friendships. Initiating conversations, telling people things that maybe I've always wanted to say but never quite got out the words, making plans to hang out when I get back, saying less of the "right" thing to say and more of what is really in my heart.

And in this, I've been thinking back over my life about the friendships, the people who really touched me and influenced me. It's not hard to see some landmarks.

I remember being nine years old and so homesick my very first night of overnight camp that I got out of my bunkbed and woke up my counselor in tears. And I remember the rest of that week...and the summers and weekend retreats for years to come, all with the same counselor. I requested her specifically every time because I knew that to Leah, I wasn't just another kid the camp paid her to keep track of. She cared enough about me that she treated a nine year old whose world had just been turned upside down like a friend.

I remember how erratic my friendship with Grace used to be...and sometimes still is! Communication is always an issue, and probably always will be as we both have super busy lives and live 300 miles apart (and for the next year, a couple thousand!). But though weeks and even months may pass without so much as a "Hi, I miss you," from Grace, I know she still loves me and always will. The situations we're in and the amount of time we get to spend together doesn't lower the level of our friendship. We will always be close.

These are two of my biggest role models who I really want to be like.

One of my things that I love about people is when they ignore obvious barriers and basically say, "I don't care that we're not supposed to be friends because we're total opposites/big age difference/you're not that popular/my friends don't think you're that great/etc. I'm going to be your friend anyway." Not a lot of people have the confidence to do that. But it speaks in huge ways. That is unconditional love; that is someone who cares less about themselves and what other people think of them and cares more about you.

So, obviously, that's something I want to do. Reach out to everyone, love everyone. Regardless of the details of their lives. What else can I do? Jesus did it; am I more special than he is that I can choose who is acceptable to be my friend? There are obviously going to be people I click with a lot more than others; that's life. But I want to choose to love everyone.

And something else. I know when I was younger it would have meant the world to me to have older girls pour their lives into me, help me when I was confused, pray for me, teach me about Jesus...so that's something I really want to do for girls younger than me who are just now entering different and difficult stages of life and needing someone to be there for them.

I guess I'm trying to turn my "I need friends, I can't do this without someone to be there for me" thing into doing something for other people. How great that my God can turn bad things into good things. I love him, a lot.