euphoria

eu-pho-ri-a, noun. a feeling of great happiness, elation or well-being.

That's the definition dictionary.com gave me. My definition for euphoria what I'm feeling right now.

A little under a week ago, I wrote a blog post in which I mentioned being the backwards person who falls in love with someone who won't ever love them back. Well, the night before Christmas Eve, my thoughts went to that person...and I realized that any feelings I'd ever had for him were gone. Completely, absolutely disappeared.

I had been praying for the past several months that if God didn't want me to have feelings towards him, that he would take them away. For about a year before that, I'd tried (unsuccessfully) to stop, after just drifting with my emotions towards that person for around two years. I have to say that, though I've seen God clearly answer my prayers before, it's never been anything like this. After begging him for months and months without noticing any change, suddenly, he said yes. It was the strangest thing, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is God working.

The thing that surprised me even more than the sudden and complete answer to my prayer, though, was the way I felt after the realization. Not disappointed, not relieved, not upset - no, I felt...happy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have any regrets about the dance God has led my emotions these past few years. I know he has his reasons for why this has happened, and I have sort of an idea about a couple of reasons. Those kind of things tend to come clear after awhile.

The reason that I felt happy was because, for the first time in a while, I felt free. I had surrendered my wants and my feelings to God, and he had done what he wanted with them. Feeling free is sort of a strange way to put the way I felt after giving up what I wanted, but it seems right to me because I knew, and I know, that I am right in the center of God's will for me regarding relationships and romantic feelings towards guys.

When you think about it, the fact that I feel free because I am being controlled by a Being greater than myself sounds backwards. But all I can say is that I feel more alive and real than I have ever before in my life. And the freedom that comes when you allow Christ to be in control of your life is more real than any freedom you could have by controlling your life yourself. I know; I've experienced it.

I feel like dancing around my room, shouting, "God is real! He's affected me! He's changed my life!"

The next step for me? Asking God to do one of his amazing things with my future feelings and relationships. No one is more aware than me of the fact that I am free to begin a relationship with someone new, but I don't want to rush into anything. If it's God's will for me to start dating someone tomorrow, I'll do it, but I want to be sure that this is something he wants for me.

It's incredible that, though just a few short months ago, I would not have liked this turn of events, God has changed my heart towards him and towards what he wants for my life. I trust him with my life, so I'm putting everything in his hands and forgetting about trying to control it myself. Haha...or at least I'll try. I have a habit of trying to replace God in my life. I don't know why because when he's in control, amazing things happen.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I'll spend my time lying awake with my Jesus, asking him to do his will with my future.

P.S. If you're still reading this ridiculously long blog post, good for you. :)