one fine wire

I'm juggling all the thoughts in my head
I'm juggling all my fears on fire
But I'm listening as it evolves in my head
I'm balancing on one fine wire


Everytime my balance was fine
Well, I was just walking on one fine wire
Everytime my balance was fine
Well, I was just walking on one fine wire
And it's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slow unraveling

This song has been on repeat on my iPod the past few weeks because it basically describes my life right now. I'm walking on a fine wire the rest of my life before I head off to college. I have to please my parents, my friends, college admissions offices, and others without losing my balance and messing up other relationships. The end is in sight, but it's so far to the ground. I also have to make decisions that will affect the rest of my life - where to go to college, what to major in, career goals, life goals...all these things will affect my life and myself, who I am as a person. And these decisions are looking me in the eyes and screaming in my face, now, now, now! I have a month, maybe two, before I choose who I will be. And how will I know if I'm making the right decision? God will never give me a thumbs up and say, "Ding, ding, correct answer!" Life is never simple or easy.

And just this past year I've stepped into a whole new realm of difficulty. I realized that I no longer felt called to or interested in the career I've wanted to pursue since age 8. For a while, I was completely without a clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. For the first time, possibly the only area in my life in which I had complete confidence was gone. And now I think I know what I want to do - write songs - but I'm so unsure about it that I haven't told hardly anyone. Because I don't know, honestly, if I have enough talent or determination to make it in any career. But since I started thinking about being a songwriter, a lot of things in my life have come together and made sense in my mind. I think it may be what God wants me to do. The thing that keeps me up at night, though, is the fact that it's highly possible that I might not make it in the music industry. I could very well waste my college years working for a degree that I couldn't use. I might risk my future on something that could crash and burn. Then what would happen?

I'm juggling all my fears on fire...