with my whole heart

I don't know what it was, but today something made me realize that I am not living with my whole heart. I've heard people say that scientists tell us we only use a small percentage of our brains. That may or may not be true, but I know that in everything I do, I've only been using a small percentage of my heart. I don't really know how to explain it, but I know that when I worship God, when I laugh with friends, when I sing in the car, when I serve others, when I love someone - I hold back. And what I'm holding back is not just a little bit, but a lot of my heart. I keep it to myself, holding it close so I don't get hurt. And honestly? It hasn't saved me much. True, I did not feel as heartbroken when people ignored me and hurt me and used me...but it wasn't much less. And the amount of what happy moments and situations God could have used me in was overwhelming.

A friend today asked me why I thought it was that I am so quiet and introverted. I told her, basically, that I'd gone through a long lonely period in my life and also had been hurt so many times that...well, I didn't really say it, but I don't trust people. They can hurt you, plunge the knife in and twist it and twist it and then walk away. I have experienced rejection, loss and broken trust in almost every form possible and the things people have done to me in the past are forcing me to reject not just them, but everyone else who tries to be a part of my life in any way. I hold back because I'm afraid of hurting, but hurt comes anyway, and the holding back is what ruins what good things that could come.

I don't love God as I could and as I should, I don't love people as I could and as I should, and I don't give everything to my God or to my friends.

I think what it really comes down to is do I trust God enough to live with abandon and recklessly open my heart to whatever he sees fit to let come in? And why would I not trust him? The question I keep asking myself is why would I hold back my heart from my God?

I want to live with all of my heart.