uncertainty

I really have no idea what I want to do with my life.

People keep asking me, and I don't have an answer to give them. That frustrates me more than I can say. Not necessarily because their "Oh." sounds kind of like they're saying, "Oh, loser, you're going to UNC-CH to get a degree in nothing?" but more because it frustrates me to know that my future is still oh-so-uncertain. And I hate uncertainty.

Until less than a year ago, I thought I had it all planned out. Editing and writing. That was my career choice, and had been since I was about 8 years old. Then I interned at a book publishing company, and though it was an incredible life experience, God definitely used that to say, "No, Lauren, you're not supposed to do that." Since then I've thought about doing lyric writing...then one day I was telling a friend I was interested in that and I just thought, "Really? No." I'm interested in it, but is God calling me to that? I don't think so. I've thought about photography, but I don't know if God has really gifted me in that. Something I've been thinking about the past couple months is majoring in psychology or something at Chapel Hill and then going to Southeastern to get my Master's in counseling. That would be a super-cool job because I love Jesus and I love people and helping people through rough spots in their lives with Jesus is something I would definitely glorify God with. I feel like exploring that more. I also feel like if I say anything like, "Oh, I might want to do that..." then later on I'll come back and think, "Why did I ever say I wanted to do that?" especially as I tend to change my mind. A lot. And then I'll make my decision finally and it'll be good. But it takes a lot of mind-changing and perusing and tears before I ever get to that point.

I know I'm not interested in anything math or science related. I like more artistic or English-y type things. Especially ones that allow you to relate with other people. So photography, writing, music, counseling...they're all kind of together. I know the area I will eventually go into, just not anything specific. Like, at all specific.

Ugh. I hate that I can't know the future. If I could, I'd fast-forward ten years and see what I'd be doing, and prepare for it! What job will I have? Where will I live? Will I be married? With kids? What will my husband do? Who will my friends be? If I knew these things, my life would be so much easier. But then again, nothing would ever be a surprise. And most of the time I like surprises.

I guess it's not a big rush to figure out my career path/major choice. I have until the end of sophomore year = 2 whole years. And maybe this whole Europe trip thing will be something that will help me figure myself out. My prayer for now is that God will show me what I need to know at the time that I need to know it.