i will never drive you away

Earlier at Two Four we were supposed to be sitting and praying and basically asking God to convict us of anything in our lives that wasn't glorifying to him, though those weren't the words that were used. And as I was asking God and thinking through my life, I honestly couldn't think of anything. Disclaimer: by that I'm not trying to say that I never sin. Not at all! No, I mean that I couldn't think of any big, glaring area that bothers me and that I always try to put off and shove to the back of my mind because I don't want to deal with it but then looms ominously large in silent moments of reflection. Obviously everyday I'll do a million little things that I'll realize at some point weren't really honoring God with my life. And I can never ever manage to love God as I should. But when I looked at my life I didn't think, "oh, I have a problem with doing this to other people, or not listening to my parents, or not wanting to read the Bible." Nothing big or recurring or life-changing. I know I'm not saying this right, and I really don't want to sound self-righteous or holier-than-thou or like a perfect little Christian. So please don't think that. But then I thought about a couple years ago and how I never would have asked God to show me how I'm not glorifying him and then felt a peace in my heart like I did tonight. And then I thought...what if the rules I was following so rigidly blinded my eyes and my heart and kept me from really loving God and really honoring him? What if the regulations that kept me supposedly godly were what was holding me back from giving everything to him and glorifying him in everything? What if I was like the Pharisees, whose made-up laws kept them from the true God of the universe because he didn't fit their stereotype or follow their rules? That basically hit me like a brick wall. The very thing I thought would bring me closer to God kept me far away from him. And I truly, honestly believe that my wrong focus on the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law was something that kept me from a better understanding of God and who he is, along with a lot of other things. Thank you Jesus for bringing these people into my life who introduced me - unknowingly - to the idea that it's not the rules you follow that shows Christ to the world. And that, really, it's the spirit of the law (aka what the law was meant to bring about in people's hearts and lives) than the letter of the law (aka the actual result of the law, such as driving at a specific rate or not damaging other people's property) that matters to God.

Something that really has been bothering me is gossip. I have quite a few friends who have in the past used to be best friends with someone, and then now have moved on because they're not necessarily as similar as they used to be. That's not a problem. What I have a problem with is when they'll speak derogatorily of that person and say a lot of things that may or may not be true about them. In the past I've tended to stay away from people who put others down a lot because if they'll talk about someone behind their back to me or when I'm around, what do they say about me when I'm not there? I don't know that I could handle having a friend like that - someone I couldn't trust. Anyway, so the past few weeks, I've heard friends talk badly about other people I consider to be my good friends too. And I haven't said anything. I don't know if it's necessarily appropriate for me to say "That's not true!" when I don't even know for positive sure whether it is or not, or for me to say, "Listen, you're gossiping about her. Stop it." Nope, that would be more like me saying, "I'm perfect, so I'm going to correct you, in public, and embarrass you about something you're doing wrong because I never do anything wrong so it's my job to call your attention to your sin." I guess I have to consider what would be an appropriate reaction to gossip because it really bothers me to hear some of my Christian friends running down their sisters in Christ behind their backs, and I'd really like for it to stop.

Tonight Jared Via said something in Two Four that really impacted me at the heart level. Well, it was mostly something the Bible said, but the way he read it aloud and emphasized it and talked about it just made me see it in terms of my life and that hit me really hard. He read a verse in John 6...I don't remember the verse or the specific wording, but it said something like, "Whoever comes to me I will never (and this was Jared's wording...) ever ever ever ever drive away." And I thought of my life. I thought of having friends who I've become close to, and then they've decided that they don't want me anymore so they've basically driven me away. Of knowing people who don't want to know me, so they've hurt me in attempts to drive me away. Of having best friends who have completely dumped me for no fault of my own. Of being rejected by person after person after person. And then I thought of Jesus. I thought of how when everyone rejected me, he still loved me. I thought about how he loved me before I was born, how he created me with joy and delights to sing over me, how he understands when I cry, how his arms are always open wide, how he loved me first, how he died for me...and I realized that I had never really thought about it before, but Jesus will never, no not ever, drive me away. And even if others try to take me away from him, no one can snatch me out of my Father's hand. I can love him with abandon and he will never think I'm strange for caring so much or not care for me as much as I care for him. I think I almost cried, sitting there amidst all my friends. Because I deeply realized that he will never ever ever ever drive me away. My love is secure in the heart of Christ.